Philosophy of The Big Society

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Saturday, 25 October 2008

Relationships ...

Was going to take time out from blogging. Mostly because when life seems rather stagnant, then writing that seems irrelevant. However, have spent most of my down time contemplating relationships.

I know they are often difficult to sustain for people who don't have MH problems but for me (as a bona fide loon) they are erratic at best of times.

A couple of things have been going on that have made me revisit my concerns over relationships. That is on top of the weird depressive/stressy cycle that is the relationship I have with my Dad.

One of my neighbours has spent big chunks of this week moving stuff out. The marriage that seemed to be full of love's gold dream has withered under the pressure of real life. I don't know too much of what has gone on but I think the lack of additions to the family was the biggest nail in the coffin. I won't go into the affects that wanting children and not being able to have them have on the female psyche. Cos I think they are too obvious. I think it is sad and also sad that what I saw in the couple 5 years ago (love and hope) has changed so drastically. Life does have a way of reminding us that however safe you feel you are never really safe.

The other thing is to do with a relationship I have been party to for nearly 11 years now. Where does the time go? (Down a black hole).

It is not, and never was, love's gold dream. I think it was more a case of need and some sense of belonging in a world where neither of us felt we belonged. Also when we first met, things were different. I was the strong one. I nurtured and was much more comfortable with the compulsive caring aspect of my nature. I was also working and felt more part of some kind of normal existance.

That is not to say that there's no love (make that care), only I don't really believe that love is all that anyway. Mostly love has brutalised me. Those I have loved the most have been taken from me through illness..theirs and mine....or death. That is another life lesson I have learnt the hard way.

We have had more crisis, because of who we are as individuals, than I have time to write about and they have become suicidal again. This is where I look like the bastard in all this. I am so weary of trying to find believable reasons to give them for carrying on. I am so weary of us. I am as much to blame for the rut but it is true, well for us, that 2 people in pretty much continual states of despair do not a healthy relationship make.

I do blame MH services, at least in part, because their role in this has been to tell us we shouldn't be together, whilst offering minimul support or to view us as making our own beds and leaving us to it when we are struggling the most. In fact, I mostly agree that we shouldn't be together. Only because of the lack of real support one of us ends of picking up the pieces of where the other is at.

The bottom line for me is that I am beyond caring in many ways. Years of co-nursing Mum, whilst being a mum (at best part time) to be left supporting a Dad who was pretty much done in by his years of caring for Mum to lose her..and on and on that pain seems to go. I feel enough is enough!!!!

i don't want anyone to kill themselves, far from it but I can't be anyone's reason to exist or the one who carries them through, anymore.

My reason for living, ultimately, is because I am alive. Rather crass but true.

So getting back to the title....Relationships, I find them incredibly demanding and demanding of me things that are either long buried (and at present have no desire to dig up) or simply too much.

Sure this has been a disjointed, rambly, post but it is a reflection of where I am at. It doesn't get any better or worse than that.


  1. Hi Mandy
    Thought I would come back and write comment now have the time to give it thought post deserves and because I seem to have more energy than usual.
    Relationships are difficult Period, but especially when you are mentally ill. The problem is to try and begin to get better and just have a fairly functional life when you are MI I believe you need to be selfish. You ahve to protect your emotions and focus on you, thus sometimes distancing yourself from others, and their needs. problem is this may be contrary to our character. and I know for me I always do everything for everyone and thats what landed me ill in the first place. Having to be selfish goes aginst the grain and is not conduise to relationships of any kind.

    You say a lot of difficulty comes because your man friend(not sure what you call him) has MH issues himself and therefore can understand your problems but may not be in the best position to help you and may want too much support from you. That is a problem. However, on the other hand, I have a partner with no MH issues, but who seems oblivious to my feelings, problems and how to be helpful. His comment to my overdose on monday was 'oh, not again' and that was it.?? That therefore is no better.
    Not sure really how relationships and MH go together, best option perhaps someone who has been ill or has expereince of it is fully recovered , can understand, support us but doesnt expect anything in return. If you find one of those perhaps sending up my way :)

    Lareve x

  2. Hi Lareve

    Right now I don't want any man (or woman). I couldn't hack them and they couldn't hack me.

    Have had several calls on mobile from the man. I don't want to talk to him. I have nothing of any value to say and this "But I love you" spiel I usually get doesn't do it for me.

    I don't need I love you's.

    A box of choccies and a foot massage are more in line with my needs.

    Sorry your man lacks empathy. I think he has selfish down to a finer art than you.

    I have spent most of my life caring (and maybe too much) for others. Certainly putting their needs first. I can't do it anymore. It isn't there.

    What caring there pretty much focussed on Dad. Em too, but she is living her own life and that is what I wanted for her. Glad she is out of it really. We keep in touch. In fact we texted today, catching up and will see her either Monday or Tuesday. That will do for me.

    As for someone who is recovered and prepared to give their love and support to someone who is still ill. Dreamland honey. Dreaming has it's uses but the world (the people in it) doesn't work that way. Not in my experience! But is a nice enough dream :>)


  3. Yh I know it is a dream but chances are if did exhist probably find a way to screw it up anyway. x