Philosophy of The Big Society

David Cameron gets to be God!

Friday, 9 October 2009

There is no normal service to resume

Having felt slight reassurance from Minister for Care Services who, supposedly, stated that DLA payments were not under threat of being axed, it now seems that there has been a complete change around with charities claiming it is too late to save DLA and government murmerings that is more likey that DLA will have to be reformed (away).

What with time of year, overall feelings of debilitation and lack of optimism about the future of this country (under any government) plus strange goings on at 'review meeting' with Dad and visit to back consultant with friend (and the case of the disappearing and reappearing cyst and her being advised by said consultant that the best thing she can do is pray)...feel like I am living in the Twighlight Zone.

Just waiting for the next punch in the stomach.

Not much more to add. C'est la shitty vie.

Monday, 5 October 2009

Cannot be doing with Autumn...because

Winter is just around the corner!!!!!

It hit me today. The sudden flatness....the grey dankness of it all.

2 months to Christmas which I am cancelling on the grounds of having not much to celebrate. Real bah humbug stuff.

Managed a walk to local shops and back but felt bleugh. Spent most of day on facebook playing at Mafia. Encitment to violence? Nah? Just something more interesting than nothing to do.

Visited care home with Dad on Friday. Wasn't a good day for doing that because the joys of womanhood arrived and had the dizzy wizzy woo woos. Panick attacked (most of the way) as I walked to town. Don't know how I managed to interact without being the obvious loony daughter. Dad was outranking me on that score by telling everyone he wanted to die, whilst I tried to say that things could get better for him in the home.

It was very nice actually. Have heard such horror stories but this is a small place....bit like a guest house. Houses 6 residents and all the residents there (and staff) are female (something, I think, Dad would be comfortable with...he prefers female company to males). Dad was pre-occupied with saying how his life had fallen apart and he can't get it back together. Hmmm.

Actually, am emotionally barren now...except deeper stuff that wells up every so often and pours out (in private).

When daughter and me visited him again Friday night and he was telling us how he couldn't understand where it all went wrong and how he got to this...I felt compromised. I am trying to help him...but I can't. He is so gone and I can't bring him back. I tried to explain where I think the turn happened but I couldn't explain why (that is somewhere deep inside him..or deep enough for him not to want to share it).

Em and me both feel and shared, with him, our view that the care home seems the best of not many options and compared to other homes would seem to suit his needs, he took some kind of umbridge because he told us it was time for us to go.

He does act like a petulant or sulky child, at times. Is very frustrating and I don't know how I haven't just screamed my head off but somehow I know that is futile. Have felt it best to try to stay calm and then come home and collapse in drained heap.

I don't know whether he will agree to go in the home but I think and feel that if he goes back to his flat it won't be long before he tries to take his life again. Maybe, people think that is over-reacting but I don't want services to take that chance with him.

Oh dear. Roll on spring and hopefully some resolve of this dire situation.

Have planned to go and stay with friends in Derbyshire at end of October. Not in right place to be excited about it but feel the time away might help a bit. Friends there are nurturing and undemanding. Ho hum!

Thursday, 1 October 2009

Not merging but drowning

Actually, the title is not as close to what is happening as could be but is more relevant to what I think is happening to patients whilst the merger/take-over/whatever people choose to call it of Beds and Luton MH Partnerships goes ahead.

I have, as commented in response to Lareve, heard murmurs of massive savings (double figure millions of pounds) needed to be done by my local MH Trust in order to be fit for purpose of merger and gaining Foundation Status.

I had also heard that the merger was imminent but haven't been informed of anything definate, as yet. I am a bit out of touch so it could have already happened.

Makes lastest communication back from MP more poignant to me. He has written to Director of local Social Services asking what can be done for me in regards to my particular needs. That was good of him (and not a hint of sarcasm) because he has been the only person (in postion to do much of anything) that has stuck by me.

With STR worker on extended sick leave and my gut feeling is they are not going to return (and if they don't, they won't be replaced)...and the change-overs of care co-ordinators... and missing (never actually arrived) care support worker, I have no faith that my care needs will be met (with much consistency) by MH services. It would be nice to think that they could but you gotta live in the real world.

So an assessment (by Social Services) for a Direct Payment..and more so if it provides me with someone to escort me to such things as swimming... could fill the gap that the unmet care plan has left. The Direct Payment could provide the person and a set amount of their time and I could pay for transport. Sounds like a fair deal to me. Not sure Social Services will see it that way but I have a dream. Ha! ha!

In spite of the fact that there is minimul support going on here, I think I am doing well not to have lost plot entirely. I have walked to town and back, by myself, a couple of times, and had lunch in a cafe, by myself, and it felt okay. The problem is the blips in between. Like I have a good day and mission accomplished and then go wobbly again (where I am fighting demons alone and losing). Such is the nature of the beast...but no one could, justifiably, accuse me of not trying.

Am keeping away from the co-dependancy relationship that had another violent eruption a few weeks back. Am clocking that habit and that type of co-dependancy break down any chances of having healthier relationships with others as well as myself (not that I am looking for romance nor want it right now)..and is not like I didn't know better or don't. Is just so hard, when you are on your own, not to cave in and that is down to my own weakness as well as others.

As an only child, I should be used to loneliness but the events of my life (personal and illness related) have left me feeling lonelier than ever. I acknowledge pragmatically as I can....but it still hurts.

And I certainly don't need or want a network of people running around doing for me...just some consistency from those whose job it is to provide help me to branch out and maybe gain some confidence in doing things that are good for me. I like the idea of being part of a swimming club but there is no way I could go in cold...particularly as I am going to come out cold (literally not in from the water). Hmmm...I am certainly prepared to meet services half way. After all, at present, it is me doing all the work. Just can't help visualising it all going tits akimbo again.

Still, I am alive and not crawling around the floor, wailing. I consider that a plus.

For now, doing me the best to hold on to what ground I have and make the best of the good days.