Philosophy of The Big Society

David Cameron gets to be God!

Monday, 1 December 2008

What's it all about ...Alfie?

I think I know what it is least the reasons I carry on, in spite of underlying feelings of worthlessness, pissy frustration and entrapment.

It is about some basic motivation (although I don't feel motivated to much of anything) to live. That primal, animal, instint to survive.

Moving away from the basics, there is also a responsibility to and love for my daughter that prevails. A weird kind of responsibility cos is not like I was able to match the responsibility with actions for years but I have always felt (and most probably more so at times when I was contemplating suicide) that she didn't need to have to deal with my suicide. That it would be wrong to lay any responsibility (she might feel) for my taking of my life. Not just that, but I wanted to live for her because she deserved that rather than my death. If that makes any sense. Maybe that was self delusion. I certainly have never felt I was any cop as a mother so is not like I felt she was missing much in not having me but more that I wanted to hang on to the possibility/opportunity to be better for her. I also could sense, again maybe self delusion, that my own destruction would affect ways that might mess her up big time. The end of my life should not be the start of, or continuation of, her having to try and work out what my illness and death means because whatever kind of useless I was....a child is growing and developing and as one of the most central figures in her life, it would have been pretty damaging to her. I think, I don't know.

And our relationship is good. We have grown together in certain ways. We know each other and I feel like a mum. Her Mum. So, even in despairing times, I want to hang on for her.

Anyway, have prattled on there.

Reason for all this is that yesterday was a bastard of a day. I was hammering myself internally. Dr J seemed to be reflecting my own internal disorder and round and round in frustrating circles I went. I got to the point where I wanted to run. That had enough fighting, want to fly, thing. Knew that would be another futile endeavour so took a loz, cried and eventually slept.

Today, well it is not like Miss Marple is going to come round and cut through all the red herrings and resolve the case and the red herrings are actually more the realities of having other damaged people in my life who need, but aren't getting, any real care (outside of the erratic and exhausting bits of nurturing they seek or get from me).

I am damaged goods...more shop soiled than flooded warehouse stock. So, to try and resolve anything is seeming pointless to me. A case of take the sedation and get on with the day..Oh and I have a letter to open from the local council. Bet it won't be a crimbo card with heartfelt wishes of good will and joy to all men/women and children!!!!!


  1. Oh dear, hoped sunday would be good one, totally relate to what you are saying about your daughter and not wanting to screw her up. Here's hoping a better week is ahead.

  2. Mandy,

    I view suicide as a completely selfish act! Put your faith in Jesus Christ who willingly gave his life for us. I Focus on his self-sacrifice whenever I need to blot out thoughts of suicide.

    Right I'm off out for my constitutional.


  3. That should read Wallace Pettle-Jones

  4. Hi Lareve

    It is bloomin' cold out there and feeling cold in my bones so bunkering down for a few days.


  5. Wallace

    If you keep writing crap like that I will blot out your comments!!!!

  6. wallace
    what an old fart you are!! i find a lot of your comments so wide of the mark and deeply offensive, and tet there is something intrinsically endearing about you, dso i suppose you remain a loveable old fart at that but please do try not to make such excruciatingly awful comments.
    mandy you are very, very, far from worthless. you help so many people and look what a credit to your mothering EM has turned out to be be.
    please don't let wallace drive you to suicide.
    sending you ever so many hugs.
    lots of love

  7. Actually Wallace

    In spite of your lack of empathy..and even though I am feeling like a crock of shite here, you carry on posting but don't be surprised by the responses you get from me.

    If you actually bother to read my postings, you will see that nearly all the things you promote or supposedly believe in are things I am ,at best, sceptical about.

    I am sure if you want to contribute to a blog more in tune with your views, you can easily find one in cyberland.

    If you wish to continue to post here, fine by me but I can't see why you would..unless, you want to convert me and honey there is more chance of The Labour Party doing a U-turn on its policy of borrowing it's way out of debt than that happening!

  8. Thanks Margaret

    I had originally planned to go to town but then changed my mind. Either I am getting flu or my mental state is so bad it is making me feel like I have flu.

    As seems to be the case, I had to re-schedule because the pharmacist hadn't picked up my prescription and said they wouldn't be able to get my tabbies to me today.

    Don't know how I managed..was all over the damn place but got home (via a taxi) and feeling pretty fekked now.

    Going for a sleep. xx

  9. Hello Mandy

    Hope you are feeling better soon - It sounds you have hit a really rough patch. Thinking of you.

    (By the way have been reading Wallaces comments - I think it is a wind-up - an unpleasant unfunny pointless stupid wind-up)

    Take Care

  10. To Wallace - you can't just tell someone to believe just like that.The worst thing you can do to any of us mere mortals is to troll that stuff out and I should know having dabbled in religious.

    Mandy, I admire you for carrying on regardless with all the crap going on.I too feel the same about my kids & screwing their lives up.

  11. Oooo... Evangelical baiting... Can I join in?...

    Keep on Keeping On...

    We're all trudging along with you.

  12. Dear Pebbles, Sis and Socrates.

    Thanks for being here and your support.

    Am really having to muddle through this because I seem pretty raw and defences are down. Most probably why I am picking up viruses, infections and whatever this latest thing is. Normally the lozees help but at present they are making me feel woozy but not mentally any more settled.

    I know is the time of year playing a big part in this. I hate winter...and it hates me back.

    Gotta just roll with the punches and when I can't crawl into my pit.

    As for Wallace. You know, he isn't all bad. Well, I don't think so. He is entitled to his opinions, even if I think they seem to be very blinkered.

    The comment about believing suicide is selfish, well I think alot of people who don't suffer mental distress have that he really isn't alone in the masses on that score. And yes, I think it is a view that lacks any real insight into the pain that mental illness causes and having lost Tommy to suicide this year, it hit a rather tender spot in me but I am not blinkered by Tommy's death. His parting was a loss not only to me but to part of the human psyche in all of us that needs to be and often cannot. It also made me review my view on prejudice and human ignorance's part in his downfall.

    Anyway, am digressing. The point, for me, is that Tommy had a right to be and so does Wallace. And I have the right to express my views about Wallace's views. Not that I think that will change them but, at least, whilst some kind of debate is going on, there is a chance that people can learn something (if only about each other).

    Perhaps I have gone soft but I have a soft spot for Wallace...Yes, I am madder than even I thought I was!!!!! Ha!


    Dionne Warwick Alfie 1967 Smash; Grammy Hall of Fame 2008

    Show'n me age here - Jeremy

  14. Hi Jeremy

    Will have a look at the link. I really like Dionne's voice so think it will be a great version of the song.