When tears are not enough

Dad is very tearful of late. For example, when I rung him yesterday I could hear he was choked up. I asked him what was upsetting him and it was because his care co-ordinator hadn't turned up. He said his support worker had assured him he would get a visit yesterday. Hmmm.

Now, I get frustrated when I am told that members of the MH team are coming to see me and then they don't but at least they have the decency (usually) to inform me if they can't make the visits.

Dad told me he feels like he is being left to drown. That was upsetting to me. Firstly, because he is so lonely and in a horrible depressive state and depression is the sort of illness that compounds itself the more it is left to do so. Secondly, it comes back round to me to wonder what I can do for the best for him and I don't know.

I said that perhaps the best thing was to ring his care co-ordinator this morning to ask what the problem was and try and organise another visit from her. I could do that for him but I want to try and help him to be as independant as he can. I feel that in many ways he has infantilised himself. Maybe that is not how it is, perhaps his illness is infantilising him but I do think there is part of him that is stuck in some sort of stubborn cycle and he is craving attention whilst saying he doesn't deserve it. Oh what horrid games our minds can play on us and others.

I thought about going round but when I go round I feel the weight of his illness and I will try to talk him round on certain things, counter his self loathing with reminding him he is loved but ultimately I can't make him stop being depressed. I can't make him do anything. It is a selfish thing to admit but I can't cope with him and if anyone should it should be me cos I understand depression. How cruel and relentless it can be.

I thought about asking him to come and live with me again but I don't want to be battling against whatever it is in him that can't or won't shift.

I thought that maybe he does want to go into a care home but his pride stops him saying that. I do think he wants to be cared for. Well, don't we all in one way or another? He isn't physically incapacitated though, he is mentally debilitated and perhaps if he went into a care home it might be the right place for him. Although I have concerns about care homes and the level of care they actually provide.

The only other non professional who is in regular (phone) contact with him said that she thinks he should go back into hospital. Another hmmmm...because Dad said he was left to rot there the last time and what point going somewhere that is supposed to encourage healing when it does the exact opposite. Then again, my view of acute care is very negative and I my experience is that it is left to the patient to heal themselves (as best as) in these environments and get out of them as soon as possible.

I keep wondering how much longer Dad can handle himself. I wonder how much longer I can handle him. Is not like I am handling him though...more like constant fretting.

I will ring him later and ask him if he rang his care co-ordinator. If not, I will ring her and ask why she didn't turn up. I might even ask her what else can be done because at present I am at a loss.

And for the record I feel like a total shit for not being able to help him in any way that is showing signs of helping him.