Philosophy of The Big Society

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Saturday, 13 December 2008

When you are are up

Back from Mo's blog. Certainly reminds me of some of the times in my life when I have been the better end of my spectrum..and before I give the media something else from which to spin a line about how wonderful having bipolar is, the problem, for me, has always been lack of consistency.

Sticking with the pozzies. The pictures on Mo's site are brilliant...witty as and some of the chat is around feeling upbeat when those around blogland are not so upbeat. It certainly isn't a crime although it got me to thinking about one of my stays in acute care. I had gone in with depression, and thanks to Prozac, was lifting pretty damn sharpish. I could be found dancing around the corridors. (earplugs attached)....a bit ironically listening to The Smith's 'The Queen is Dead' cd.

Why am I writing this..well most people in the unit were in dire straights of mental distress. I had gone in there having been fighting a losing battle with depression for months. There is always an air in units, of supression (encouraged by the apathy of staff whilst they make a big show of following policies and procedures...Jobs Worths) but on reflection, I can see how un-empathetic I must have come across. Because I was. I was on a high. When I am on such highs..which is becoming less of a state, the older I get...I am very wrapped up in the moment and the moment is all about putting out energy. As in it is in there and it is coming out.

I do remember some other patients asking me why I was in hospital and not being able to answer that because at the time I didn't care about that...was more interested in encouraging them to join in singalongs. I even asked the staff if they could organise a karaoke. That never came to pass. I think staff get irritated by people on highs. Is not good for equilibrium...everyone has to be flat and compliant. Is custom and practise!!!

Anyway, here's to the good times. Whether they were chemically enhanced or not. I am glad I have (indirectly) been prompted to remember. Remember the sparkle. It is still in me, somewhere.


  1. Def a double edged sword Mand.Thanks for another insightful post.Hope your weekend isn't too hectic.
    Love Sis xx

  2. Thanks for sharing a bit about your stay on units. Interesting read. Do I detect a slight optimism from this post? hope so
    take care x

  3. Hi Sis

    It is a double edged sword and what with the shrinky dink appointment Monday, am not in best place to feel anything uppy. That is if I manage to get to it, am wondering whether they will be coaxing me towards taking Lithium.

    I would rather it be understood that I need some status quo on the lorazepam until such times as Dad is showing signs of positive movement or I get to point where I give up, Christmas (and all the memories that drags up) is over and done and I have a better level than now.

    I have still yet to hear back from the local council on how much money they want to claw back from me in order to balance their books and look good in the eyes of the Government.

    The on-going communications with the credit card supplier, with me trying to prompt them to take some responsiblity in following up fraudulent it seems the scam can continue on with money being transferred (without my consent) and for which I am being charged additional interest.

    All I want out of this weekend is to feel a bit more numb. Dr J is, supposedly, coming to stay but he (even though he suffers MH issues) gets angry with my depression.

    I know it is fucking boring being around a depressive but he has the option to stay away and I have said that he should only come if he wants to and not to expect a carnival atmosphere.

    I can't make it any clearer than that.

    And yes I know I am a grouchy pants but under the circumstances, I think it is more than a little justified.

    Hoping your manflu has either flown away or is in the process of taking flight.

    Hugs xx

  4. No Lareve

    You don't honey(if I was a optimism car, I would be running on empty). Is more a case of wishful thinking.

    And the stinkers at the GP have sent me a prescription renewal slip that I can't use until 6 January. If they think I am going to survive Christmas on .5 lorazepam a day they are severely deluded.

    I sense a High Noon moment coming between my GP and myself!!!


  5. Make that a Bun Fight at The OK Yah Corrall!

  6. Thanks for all the kind words Mandy. I'm sorry you're having such a crap time just now.

    Please forgive me but I am pissing myself laughing after misreading this post. I thought you said while you were listening to The Smiths most of the people in the unit were into Dire Straits. I envisaged a musical taste war... hippys versus post punk indie. Lots of people in kaftans giving you the cold shoulder.


  7. When I was sectioned in my local psyche hospital - I had the Eagles "Hotel California" playing in a loop in my head

    "You can check out any time you like
    But you can never leave"

    Still I had lots of stuff going on in my head then ..... and now

    I lived on bread and jam in hospital and the nurses were no good at all just wanted you to take the pills and behave. You couldn't have a shower after 8pm and one night I got snet to bed!

  8. WOW
    its those bits I had forgotten. I had a rush of memories SUDDENLY of those good ole days. The ones scattered sparingly amongst the pile of bad ones.


  9. It's a simple equation for me Mandy, when I'm down, there is no way I'm posting. When I'm really up, there is probably no way I could work out how to post even if I wanted to. When I'm mixed (which despite the stigma of 'that's the worst sort' etc, is actually, I think, if you've been doing it all your life, and I'm getting on a little now, it is one's self trying to regulate extreme mood constantly...) when I'm mixed I find I can react and post and spout shite, but always keep an ironic smile on my apparent textual etheric utterances. If that makes sense. It certainly is a bit of a whirlwind at times. I don't often know if I'm coming over as this or that.

    In other words, I generally try to 'sound in good humour', as a matter of courtesy, no matter what I'm like. If I'm really bad, I'm not here. Full stop.

    When I'm semi-down, the last thing I like is other people who are down. It certainly doesn't help me. It is probably different for other people.

    At the moment I am flying, but extremely agitated and irritated about nothing. [long spout detailing everything I'm not irritated about deleted]

    Does any of that make sense? I hope so. Take care, David :-)

  10. Rereading my last, I don't expect anyone to make any sense out of it either, since I can't. I'll try and write a blogpost on the subject. All the hairy chest, D

  11. No problems Mo,

    As in if someone can get a laugh out of me now, they are doing well :>)

    Can you imagine the nurses..."someone get the largactyl out for the indie and give the Dire Straits posse a combo of Prozac and coffee - on the hour - every hour)". Ha!


    I remember being in the Luton equivalent to Coldit and getting in a massive panic in the early hours of the morning and the nurse said "Go back to your room and come back after the shift change". I kid you not! What's worse was I didn't even know when the shift change was!!!!

    Did you ever taste the delights of the reconstituted scrambled egg at breakfast time? It would be swimming around in water (most probably trying to get to the shallow were all the in-mates).

    And yep...sleeping tablets were compulsory. Heaven forbid the night staff having anything to do past 11.00 pm.


    Thinking back to care free times....

    I could tell you what I used to get up to in the old army huts (that were on the grounds of the first asylum I was taken to). Only this isn't that sort of blog..well, not often. :>)

    Heck, it certainly wasn't all bad in acute care, all the time.

    And I have read what they say about SSRI's killing your sex drive but they certainly didn't have that affect on me. Rather much the opposite.

    Shame the effect only lasted 6 months before the meds did fekk all for me.

    Nope, I am not going to heaven but that is fine by me. I can't play the harp. :>)

  12. Abysmal Musings

    I get the agitated states. I get really irritable and impatient with people, especially if they aren't getting how essential whatever it is that is essential to me at that moment in time.

    At present I am coming second in an endurance test. How to be so totally fucked off and still carry on. Dad is coming first.

    Am quite tempted to buy him a t-shirt with "Don't even think about robbing me of my martydom".

    I am sure to all those conciensious objectors ls who don't have to deal with someone being depressed 24/7, 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, I sound like a bitch...I would say "Try it from this end, you wouldn't like it".

    And to prove I can out martyr the best (watch out Jesus I am gunning for your crown of thorns) I am going back to Dad's tomorrow for another round of 'Which one of us is the most useless'!!!

    Usually I relent though...and smile sweetly and go "It's a bum rap mate".

    And off she trots with a round of "I like to go a wandering with the world upon my back, and as I go a wandering I feel like an old hack..foll da ree..foll da ra" etc etc to fade

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  14. Dear Mandy,

    Yes, to the irritation, but of course we have the balm of telling ourselves, forgive them (David/Mandy/Fillintheblank) for they know not what they do.

    I hope you hang on in there and keep it going. Your dad to you must be like my kids to me. I wonder... (I mean, it's set me wondering).

    I wrote the post: How Mad Are We?

    p.s. an online friend who died last month whom I've known for a few years has a fantastic photoset here: A Kind of Dignity, and here: A Long and Narrow Land

    Don't ask me why I wanted to share that now...? I don't know either, but I hope you like them.

    Atb, David.

    p.s. edited to make the links work.

  15. Thanks David

    Will have a look at the links when I can give them full attention.

    Sorry, that your on line friend died. Would like to write something more appropriate than that but didn't know them. Hopefully, will maybe know a little more of them when I look at their photos.

    Dad is very much a child at present. HIs illness and states are making me think alot about our past, our relationship and how people get to be in such bad places.

    Sometimes, though, is best not to think too much.

    Will get back to you after have looked at the links.

    Hope your Sunday is the best it can be for you :>)