My daughter got home safe

In the midst of utter waste of space that is trying to piece myself back together only to fall apart, or pull myself apart, there is something real and worthwhile that happened today.

My daughter, who is covering for a manager on annual leave, had to travel a ways in the snow. My achievement of the day, such as it was, was to get to the care home crimbo buffet, aided by Craig. He is very helpful (at times) but mixed in with that is his jealousy, paranoia and come downs off alcohol. Both of us know it is a relationship based on needs (both of ours)..every once in a while I dare to be honest about that and another game starts, manipulation, threats...and other really pantsy stuff that does neither of us any good. Anyway, whilst trying to be all things to everyone around me, doing an adequate enough job (well I thought so)...until I got home and gave my cat some fusses. Fekk, you'd have thought I had ignored Craig all day. As I was close to ab dab point I said "Maybe we need to talk now...cos there's things need sorting out". Answer "No, you don't know how lonely I get" and I don't. I understand loneliness but I can't know how lonely anyone else gets. I don't know what actually goes on in their heads and more so I am too tired to double guess.

The conversation ended there. He sulked for most of rest of the night. I twisted myself into wondering how I make any of this positive...apart from packing bags and fekking off. Not realistic cos would be taking me with me!!!! So it was put up and shut up until I could get away to my bedroom...and some breathing space.

Anyway, that is all the negative crap and yep, I deserve it because I haven't got the bollocks to be totally alone.

The good stuff is that daughter got to and from work. She is safe and I am relieved. And if I should compare myself realistically to anyone it should be her because she is getting on and doing what she has to do and I admire her.

Confused ramblings about MH care and why it hurts my head even more

Don't know where this is going to go but it's a case of I've started so I'll finish..somewhere.

The good news is I am getting a Direct Payment for another year. When my care co-ordinator put the paperwork together (and from what I saw, really well) I was sort of optimistic. Well, that was one stage of the process done and dusted. Then he went on 4 week's leave and a social worker was covering for him...then he went on sick leave, came back for a week and is back on sick leave again.

Was woken by a phone call, yesterday, from the lady who is covering for the social worker, covering for my care co-ordinator, to tell me she was at the panel meeting to discuss the application and (in a nutshell) what did it mean? DOH! DOH! DOH! I tried to explain...through the total fugg that is my brain, first thing in the morning, but don't think I made a good job of it. All I said was "Do your best and good luck"??????????????????

The application was for an extension of 6 hours and payment for care lady to attend activities with me.

What did I expect? Nothing! I know that councils have to make massive cuts, benefits are to be reduced to fekk knows what and quite how that will equate to living costs....AND the mentally ill are the hidden disabled. As in, if you can't actually see it, it doesn't exist. Well...for those who don't suffer it. Not dissing any other disabled group but is not like ATOS are going to be able to get inside my head and go "Fekk, it's a mess in there".

Anyway, I digress, what I have got is another year of the same payment. The lady covering social worker, covering care co-ordinator said the panel have said "How you use it is up to you but you have to fit that into the payment"..£21 per week. So if I want care lady to attend activities with me, I guess I have to save up enough hours so that I can cover costs and paying for her time. Nosebleed cos it may well mean no weeks of seeing her to then pay for a course of yoga or tai chi. Well have to jiggle it about. Will think on that after the festive farce.

She also told me I got the payment because I was not so reliant on MH services??? Have reflected on that. 2 things that affect that 1) The successive STR workers that gave me support directly from CMHT have been scrapped 2) When I try and make contact with care co-ordinator, or recently social worker covering for them...they take ages to get back in touch with me or are on sick leave.

Not sure what to make of that either in respect of emergency appointment I had with shrink in October, where new meds were tried. Maybe that is just a red herring in amongst all the crap in my head.

It could be paranoia but to me is like MH services are being dismantled (maybe bit by bit and they hope nobody actually notices!!!!!!!!!!!)

The lady covering etc etc blah fucking blah informed me that the panel EXPECT me to be living independantly at the end of this Direct Payment. I assume that means independantly of any support services. That could be because there won't be any left by then. I don't know. I do know that I live on my own and running my home (well the council's home I live in)..it's pretty scrappy round here. Not all ship shape and Bristol fashion in fact it is pretty run down..DIY not a strong point and housework gets done as and when mood and energy levels permit.I am surviving (for now) with intermittent okay times and lots of anxt ridden stressed times.

Friend rang me today to say that GPs are now going to take control of care across the board. Err...WTF does that mean for people with mental illness? Will GPs be expected to provide MH services? If so, wonder what the GPs think about that? Personally, I can't envisage them being able to cover both a person's mental and physical health within a 5-10 consultation meeting but maybe I have got wrong end of the stick. Hands up...am bewildered by most things that are going on...

My bottom line is that I will hack what I can hack for as long as I can hack it and then the get out clause will be applied. Sounds meladramatic. Actually, it is a bit of a relief to think that I can have some control when it comes to ending this torment (both internal and external).

As for those people who believe it is selfish to take your own life. I have thought about this alot, in relation to myself. When my daughter was younger, she was one of the reasons I kept going.

Times change, she has changed. She is still awesome. However, she is actually living a really independant life. She's all grown up and doesn't need me anymore. In fact, I know I am more of a burden in her life now than I was then. I am more miserable, less able to hide my hurt and anger at what is happening.

All the hopes I had in the past that there would be a medication that could balance me out are gone (through having tried them) and I am reliant on benzos. If things were not going to get worse, I would think on coming off them but with what is to come, I would rather take them and have some relief...some calms within the storms.

I know, I am pessimistic person. I think that is based on my view of what is real and really happening...and just because the latest big buzz is around resilience that doesn't mean I can become more resilient than I have had to be to survive this far.

Ah bollox.

Just who are the police protecting and why are the media becoming such suck arses?

This is footage of Jodie McIntyre being dragged from their wheelchair by the police during recent protests.

When I saw this I had to ask "Why?". What possible threat could Mr McIntyre pose to a group of policeman?

I didn't watch the news yesterday. I have been deliberately avoiding it, although by doing that I am avoiding things like the interview BBC News did with Mr McIntyre. I have been told it was biased and that he was made to look like a villain. Well, if someone in a wheelchair being pulled about by the police is an act of crime then nobody is safe to do anything without it being seen as deviant behaviour (except the police).

I dont' usually bad mouth the police force, although I still think the shooting of Jean Charles de Menenez was an utter cock up on policing front (and the man died uneccesarily) because my experience of dealing with them has been that they have been obliging, kind and actually found my Dad when he was wandering around the Yorkshire Moors in a state of mental distress. However, I fear their prime directive is to serve the government rather than serve the public.

And what next: Water Canons, calling the army in to every protest? The British Government condemned China over the student protests in Tiananmen square, in 1989



but now the government labels all UK protestors as rioters (and the media follow suit) and the police are to be their henchmen. It won't be long before the state starts controlling everything.

Disabled woman beaten up on bus while everyone just watches

THE disabled mum beaten up in a pram rage attack on a crowded bus told yesterday of her disgust that no one tried to help her.

Nova Willet, 36, said fellow passengers ignored her cries for help and some even laughed as she was beaten unconscious by a foul-mouthed thug. She felt “sickened” nobody intervened when she was punched and kicked in front of her three-year-old daughter.

They just watched as she screamed, “Help… he’s trying to kill me!” while the yob repeatedly smashed her head on the floor.

Her attacker, who was with two small children, laid into her then tried to drag her off the bus.

He leaned over her bloodied face and snarled: “I’m going to f****** kill you.” Nova, who has debilitating auto-immune disease lupus, said: “People don’t want to get involved. The community spirit just isn’t there any more.”

She lost a tooth and suffered internal bleeding after the attack in which her 32-year-old husband was also battered.

Advertisement - article continues below »

Nova decided speak out in an effort to catch the man who lashed out on the No 85 in Kingston, Surrey, after their baby buggies became entangled. She said: “I smiled and said, ‘Sorry can you get through?’ To which I got abuse. He said, ‘You’re going to have to move your buggy’.”

When she explained she couldn’t move he unleashed a torrent of abuse. The man, who had a baby and a girl of about six with him, then launched the brutal attack.

Nova said: “He threw me all over the bus and was whacking my head against the hand rail. He was punching me in the head and kicking me. When I fell he started ramming my head into the floor. I remember my husband trying to pull him off and my daughter screaming. But nobody on the bus tried to help in any way.”

Nova thought she had been stabbed after her glasses were smashed into her face.

She said: “There was a time when people would not have stood by and allowed this to happen.”

Anyone with information about the attacker should call Kingston police on 020 8247 4946.



Read more: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/12/08/disabled-mum-beaten-unconscious-in-pram-rage-attack-tells-how-bus-passengers-ignored-her-pleas-115875-22768468/#ixzz17eltOuF3

Is it pessimism or realism that makes me question the latest Govt consultation?

I have just printed off the easy read version of the government consulation on 'Changing Disability Living Allowance'.

The government site is below.. and sorry I can't do a direct link. I have been shown how to, several times, but always forget :<(

http://www.dwp.gov.uk/consultations/2010/dla-reform.shtml

I do intend to respond and am grateful that the cut off date is February because I am in no fit state to respond right now.

Am going to attempt to play at normal human (best as) because it is my daughter's birthday tomorrow and our quality time to 'celebrate' is later today. Fekk, it is so hard to keep up with the jollies.

Wish I was more 'Grace under pressure' than her ugly sister 'Ava panic stricken'.

Anyway, before I take another benzo and hope I settle...I can't help wondering if it is all just a faitez complis. That could have wider meaning than specifically talking about this consultation.

Because I have believed that it is worth people having their say and being given opportunities to have their say, I have been involved in consultations before.

Biggest one..in regards to personal involvement was the Herts and Beds 'Investing in Your Mental Health' consultation that took place a few years back. As a service user rep (and I look back on that time as a total waste of my time) I was involved in meeting with other MH service users and gauging their views on the consultation paper, what it meant to them and what they actually wanted.

In the May, the SU group was given the deadline end of September to get views back. So all through the summer myself, and 2 other reps, organised meetings across the county. It wasn't the easiest of things to be involved in (my travel phobia meant I had to be escorted) but by early September all the meetings had been carried out. Due to some management issues and my desire to do things fairly, I ended up typing the response, getting coppies back to the people we met and other SU reps..to ensure I hadn't missed anything and was staying true to what people had said.

The response did get back to the Strategic Health Authority in time. I later presented the responses at a mini conference type thing. Not only do I hate public speaking but loathe it with a passion but, as ever, no one else wanted to or was available.

What were the actual outcomes of the consultation? 'Investing in Your Mental Health' ...as a project..was scrapped...the project lead (head of MH in Strategic Health Authority) moved sideways and it was never heard of again. Apart from me saying what a criminal waste of time it was..particularly for those of us who took it seriously.

I can't help thinking "Here we go again". There is no such thing as democracy and what point actually raising concerns when the decisions have already been made?

Gonna put the paperwork to one side and rethink this. My expectations have been raised in the past, I have believed in democracy and, ultimately, been lied to and totally disillusioned. :<(

In case anyone feels discriminated again...

In the words of the 'Disney Corporation' ..."It's a small world after all"

For my Antipodean visitor

The Big Society just gets bigger and bigger. Ha! Ha! Ha!

Who will help the homeless?

I try, really hard, not to watch the news. It is not like I need any more reasons to feel utterly miserable. However, I stayed with Craig last night.

There is another more personal story in here but I am so angry with my inability to continue to perform at a level near normality at present. Yes, I know that mental illness renders people incapable (varying degrees) to lead normal lives and certainly not without alot of help. I can imagine the recovery natzis insisting that there are many people with mental illness leading normal leaves. I would question how ill they are in the first place? and what levels of support (where it comes from too) are in place for them.

Anyway, my battles with my illness aside...I was in tears yesterday when watching the local news, at Craig's.

Two YMCA centres in Cambridge have been closed down due to lack of financial support. I don't suppose Cambridge is the only place this is happening either. It is the thinnest edge of the wedge and, not surprisingly, assistance to the most vulnerable is being shaved off first. These centres provided essential support for homeless people and now these people will be left to fend for themselves and I can only imagine (although expect that there may well come a time when I will be forced to join them) what it is like to be living out on the streets and at the mercy of the savage winter weather being experienced across the UK at this time.

My heart goes out to them and I am acutely aware that I have so much more in common with them than the people who are taking away any support they have. Very sad :<(

A Condundrum over Control Issues in Care Home

The conundrum is how I deal with an incident that happened today.

Before I explain, best as, have to state that the person concerned has previously been, what I consider to be, abrupt and even a bit mean in the way they speak to residents.

On reflection, maybe I should have said something before but I have let these things go....actually I should have said something before.

I intend to take action now. I am just not quite sure what action to take.

One of the residents has got into the habit of hurling themselves, head first, at the floor. OK, that is childish behaviour and it isn't doing them any favours but looking at it from a humanistic point of view,they are very poorly, have little control over their lives and to large degree over the function of their body. They are striving to get attention and clearly, whatever attention they are getting (which from my observations, when there, is very little but I don't see other rezzies getting any more) is not enough.

Whilst I was there today, this person, kept trying to get up off their chair. On a couple of occasions I helped, such as I can, and on other occasions a staff member came to help out.

Not long after the staff member left the room, the resident went head first to the floor. I cried out for staff to attend and went over to sit with the resident. Both the staff members on duty rushed in. The most senior's first actions were to tell the resident off (in front of everyone in the room) and then storm out to get the contraption (apologies don't know correct term) that will aid them to lift the resident off the floor.

I got a cushion and placed it under the rezzie's head and stroked their shoulder and tried to reassure them. The other member of staff stood there a bit dumbstruck until the senior came back.

Once settled into the chair, the senior went off to notify next of kin and ring and ambulance (fair enough). I sat and stroked rezzie's hand and chatted to him whilst the other staff member kept dabbing a big bump that appeared over their right eye with a cloth. Can't for the life of me think why they did that but I guess it was doing something.

What infuriated me was the total lack of respect given to the resident. In fact they were treated like a naughty school kid that should be scolded and the fact that this was done with an audience. If that is not over controlling, well I am a born again Liberal Voter (and there's fat chance of that happening).

At the time, my priority (actually instinct) was to provide TLC and as much reassurance as I could until the paramedics arrived but the more I think about this the more angry I am becoming.

I can go about this one of two ways or maybe both. Talk to the person, one to one and tell them what I think of how they handled that situation and/or speak to the manager. I think it would be only fair to talk to the person first. I don't relish the idea and I imagine it could get quite heated but what happened has to be challenged. I think it has to be challenged because if they carry on, and are allowed to carry on talking to residents (fellow human beings), like they are pieces of trash....and in a leadership role...it will continue to breed fear and well fekk knows where it will end but no care home should be run on fear. I don't think anywhere should be run on fear. Sadly it seems to be becoming the norm, these days.

I think I should talk to the manager too. Maybe they are aware of this staff member's behaviour and have turned a blind eye or, maybe, they really don't know how this person behaves. Either way, they need to be confronted with the truth and then to decide how they will deal with it.

I know there is a risk of upsetting the apple cart as it is but the apple cart could soon turn very sour if left as is. Hmmm...ultimately, I have to follow what my morals and emotions are telling me and they are telling me "It just ain't right".

Got to think of best way to plan what I am going to say but, in spite of what certain anonymous people think of me, usually (particularly in major life shit and certainly when trying to help others) following gut reaction turns out best....Hoping it turns out for the best this time. Hope.....possibly the naeivist form of self deception but sometimes it is all I got.

and I really hope it doesn't get to point where I feel I have to go to a higher authority. 1) Because if things can be sorted for the better in situe that has to be best way 2) Higher authorities are usually run by impotent wind bags with no desire or clowt to do anything other than give lip service, cover other people's backsides and tick boxes.

One more thing, I don't think 2 members of staff are able to properly look after all the residents in the home so there is a staffing issue and that, as is usually the case, all boils down to money!!!

Ho fucking hum!!!!

Base...how low can you go?

Title just popped into my head so I put it up.

Arrrrrgh! Have had few weeks of depression, mixed with cold virus symptoms that seemed to keep appearing and disappearing (no obvious reason, migraines etc. Midweek had this freaky manic up thing. I don't much like that either. Is not euphoric or care free. It is a bit wild and lary and not easy to control. In between all this had impulses in middle of night to go walkies. All except one night, at Craig's, managed to curb it. That night I was wandering around early hours, trying to find my friend's house. Fekk knows why? Didn't really want to wake her up. I tried buzzing one door bell..got spooked and walked off. Thanks to another friend being on end of phone, and them talking sense to me, called a taxi and went home.

Since then, I haven't had one good night's sleep. I am sure there are insomniacs out there that would think me a lucky bitch for getting any good night's sleep...but, usually aided by loz, I can zonk through a night, no sweat.

Well, don't know about other people with Bi-polar but if I don't get proper sleep, I start getting iller and that is what has been happening.

I am drained all day and want to sleep ...or not feel so drained!!! At night, I am wide awake. Mostly contemplating running away. I used to do that sort of thing when younger, without any contemplation. It was a more care free state of being then. Now, I just feel total entrapment....bit like sitting in some metaphorical cell (real enough to me) on death row, waiting to be sent into the gas chamber.

Normally for me it is 3-4 bad days and a 3-4 coping days (coping and doing positive things..as in things I enjoy)....now I enjoy very little any day. Even chocolate doesn't touch me. I know, it must be serious!!!

The only real difference a day brings is some new physical ailment to be dealing with. I know depression and physical illness go together. Immune system gets wham'od and the viruses send a round robin to all their pals.

Even my care co-ordinator coming up trumps wasn't enough to lift me any higher than level of coffee table. He bought round a file load of paperwork (yak) but it was relevant. Certainly the proposal for continued Direct Payment. I actually hugged him and told him I was bowled over by it, cos, from where I sat, it all looked in order and relevant to my needs. One less thing to fret about. Okay, so next stage the All Powerful Panel Meeting...and I am not expecting anything so if they say "No go" it will be no surprise. If they say "Yes" it will mean something positive but right now am too low to appreciate it. Thought of going outside...even just to local shops freaking me out and Craig is having to accompany me to see Dad because I feel like I am going to collapse all the time, or bawl or make a twat of meself in front of other vulnerable people who would be shaken and stirred up if I do.

Every winter it's bad...I am not sure if it is worse this year...last year I had been fighting 2 year battle with services to give Dad proper support. Culminating in his suicide attempt, 3 month stay in acute care and finally transferred to the care home, which he is now settled nicely into and making progress. I don't use the word recovery. It isn't recovery...it is some sort of coming back out of his shell....secure that he is safe, he is 're-becoming' (to a certain extent) Dad I knew, again.

I think it must be a case of every winter is bad...and every winter I am older..and every year one load of crap gets replaced with another load of crap. Scary times do not make for settled, calm and collected Bi-polars. Well, not this one, for sure.

Plus gotta cancel my respite care cos there is no one to look after Suki Cat and Suki Cat is too old, too frail and too set in her ways to be stuck in a cattery.

Know I said it hundreds of times but I wish I was a bear...and I could find a big tree (with big enough hole) for me to curl up in, hibernate and awake in spring. Sure there will still be crap to be dealing with but there will be sun and flowers, blossoming trees and lighter days. 4 months...right now that is too long, by 3 months and 31 days!!!!!!!

Ummmm.....If it was simply a case of teaching granny to suck eggs

how comes most people have never even seen granny sucking eggs?

Flippancy has it's uses, especially when Nanny is back with their guide on how to survive 'The Festive Season':

1. Drink sensibly

A bottle a day should keep you suitably inebriated to endure it

2. Eat well

Nanny recommends a light salad, followed by a yoghurt and a piece of fruit.

3. Be active

Yep, even if that means forcing yourself out of bed. You could even try to do the housework that has been put on hold for a few months.

4. Get involved

For those living alone, go knocking on neighbour's doors and ask them if you can join in their festivities.

5. Relax

Make yourself a cup of tea, do some deep breathing exercises, have a bath and then hit the benzos. You really should not be bothering the Crisis Team at this time of year and ruining their fun.

6. Sleep

If only eh? But if push comes to shove try a mix of Tip No 1 and Tip No 5

And here's Nanny's link http://www.mhf.org.uk/media/news-releases/news-releases-2010/22-november-2010b/

Telling it how it is

I been doing that for years and still I get the "Get over yourself" Brigade insisting that some collective we must rally on and conquer our illness, most probably because it makes them feel better about themselves.

I am sure that anyone with an on-going and utterly debilitating mental illness will know that it takes extra effort to do just about anything and life is exhuasting enough without added layers of guilt from other people to have to deal with AND if I could have recovered, I wouldn't still be at the mercy of this fucking disorder.

Best intentions or deliberate bullying doesn't make me feel any better and I am taking this opportunity to tell the likes of the Recovery Natzis to "Fucking well, fuck the fuck off"

END OF!!!!!!!!

Migraines and Mind fucks

I feel like saying last post I put up was a total waste of time. It most probably was but it was where I was at, then.

Now, I am feeling/thinking (such as brain can hack) like...it was all about theorising rather than realising how dire things are going to get without any real care for the people on the butt end of it. In that regard it led to nothing new!!!

Ho hum! I keep trying to access places where I can make some positive difference and coming back into myself.

This isn't just frustration about that, it's the joys of womanhood dragging me back into the bog. Yeh! I know all women suffer (varying degrees) but I get floored every time and the migraines trigger one after the other. Dropped migraine meds and 2 loz. Hopefully, will feel more comfortable soon, at least relaxed enough to sleep.

There is progress of sorts. A minor operation that can be done to remove lining of womb and hence no more periods. Had letter from consultant saying I have a 'consultation' meeting scheduled for spring. I need to get my act together (more so now I have printer ink) and write back saying at the meeting I want to discuss the operation, and basically go for it.

Rallied through (sort of) meeting with care co-ordinator and a social worker. Won't say too much about why social worker was there but based on the meeting, I am glad he was and have another meeting scheduled with him tomorrow to try and move forward with Direct Payments. Sort outstanding issues out and re-apply for more hours. Not sure where it will lead. Times being as they are and attitudes towards the sick (surpluss to requirement) it may turn out to be nothing but, realistically, I need more hours of my care lady's time.

Thankfully, my friend's son is going to get my prescription for me today because in the physical state I am in, aggravating mental state, I wouldn't make it.

It's time for bed and I just hope I get a long sleep. Not so much to recharge batteries as to shut down and shut it all out for a while.

Some healthy debate (at last)

I have spent some time but maybe not enough, venturing around blogland to gauge how people are coping and what their views are, in regards to what is to come as part of reforming the welfare state (whatever that actually turns out to be).

There is, understandably, a lot of fear out there and little hope...but I could just be reading specific blogs and not getting a generalised view (if there is such a thing).

A friend sent me a link to a blog called 'Labour List' and the specific posting I was sent is 'Coalition 'welfare' policy - back to the workhouse'. Remember doing a blog posting myself, few years back, saying this is what I fear would happen (workhouses for the mentally ill) and believed would happen at some point in not too distant future...anyway, I am digressing.

What I like about this posting (apart from it's content) is the level of debate is has triggered. Some of it, maybe, not so much debate as disagreement but overall it makes for something healthier/good for me than just 'ranting' (as I am apt to do) or going round in circles with my own view and nothing to bounce it off. I do discuss things with friends and fam (my daughter) but, I think, it is more objective...make that more indepth/broader....to get views from people not personally involved with me.

I recommend people read the posting and the responses because, can only speak for myself here, I am finding out information I did not know before but I am also seeing different perspectives...more importantly it is healthy to see something like real debating going on rather than reinforcing or being part of a hysteria raising cycle/circle.

It could just be me, locked up in MandLand, and sometimes too trapped by the terror or too angry to absorb anything properly because I am too busy wanting to get back at the 'bad guys and girls' (Angry one woman mob with nowhere to go) but I have not yet come across a blog where I have seen debating between people of differing opions going on about a subject that is so important...something that it is going to change the very nature of our society and, as yet, I have yet to be shown it likely to be anything other than brutal and harsh for those of us who can't cope with mainstream due to illness/es.

I will be posting on that blog (working on composing myself appropriately beforehand...which might fail and I will just burst in with usual off top of head stuff) but I wanted to give people the opportunity to have a look at it for themselves and make up their own minds about it.

Link to "Coalition ‘welfare’ policy: back to the workhouse"

Chairman of Motability signed up for cuts

Neil Johnson was one of many businessmen who signed a letter supporting the financial cuts to public services and benefits for disabled people.

"Motability Operations is a not-for-profit company that runs the Motability Car Scheme, and more recently, the Powered Wheelchair and Scooter Scheme." It is also the largest fleet operator in the UK and the biggest supplier of used cars to the trade, it is owned by the major banks: Barclays Bank plc, Lloyds Group plc, HSBC Bank plc and Royal Bank of Scotland plc.

Johnson is also chairman of Umeco, a company that produces weapons and Hornby (that lovely train set company).

I think all the above speaks for itself.

Will Jeremy Paxman Do The Honourable Thing and Resign from University Challenge

After challenging.... let's be honest here ... interrogating Claire Solomon on her role in the disruptive behaviour of fellow students at Wednesday's protest at Millbank Tower, I have to wonder at his suitability as compere of a programme specifically aimed at and including University Students.

Claire Solomon made it clear that she was not involved in violence and his representation of her, detracted from the real issues students are facing.

Paxman continued to grill her, about her age, whether she was a student, how long she had been studying, if she was taking gap leave and how long for etc etc etc. It isn't just about what you ask but why and how you ask it and the tone in which it comes across, which was accusatory.

Simon Hughes, was part of the interview, he made a point of glaring at Clare and then turning away from her and focussing on NUS Aaron Porter, whose view was that throwing the extinguisher off the roof was dangerous (like nobody else would know that) but generally he supported the action by the students.

Hughes steamed into Porter, saying that the NUS president had encited fellow students to hunt down Lib Dem MPs who'd signed the original pledge not to raise student fees and Hughes exploited that as if there had been some violent intent behind Poynter's words. Poynter, flabbegasted by this, insisted that he did not say that. However, Hughes refused to let him talk any further and says that the electorate decided that there wasn't a majority so it wasn't the Lib Dems fault that the fees are going to go up. Basically, blaming the Tories for Lib Dem subserviance.

What I got from that interview was that Paxman and Hughes gave little opportunity for the NUS President and student to put their views across and bullied them when they tried to have their say.

I used to like watching 'Newsnight' because Paxman used to put politicians on the spot and try and get them to tell the truth. Now he comes across as another pack dog, doing the Government's bidding!!!!!

I wouldn't so much say it's 'Shutter Island' as Shutter Shed

Yep...I have seen the film. Not sure I have seen the light!!! As in the "You really must take responsibility for your own actions..even if I am not" league!!

What I got from the film was that it was pretty damn good. Leonardo Di (never quite sure how to spell his name) acted his part brilliantly. No surprise for me cos I really rate him.

I liked the way it reeled me in, not sure till quite a ways into the film that the main character is in some kind of psychotic self denial. I did clock early on that he was carrying a lot of psychological and emotional baggage but I thought it might have been to do with interrogation. As in he having been involved in interrogating Natzis and then having to see first hand, the horrors of the holocaust (as an American Army man). Got that one wrong! Oopsie!

Was scared to bits by the Lighthouse (The grand finale of the Big Brother House) and the atmospherics got to me too. I felt alot of the supsense that went with 'Blair Witch Project' only the quality of this film was heaps better and more substantial.

I think, wherever there are gaps or uncertainties in films, people (me included) fill them in with what we want them to be. For example at the end of the film, my view is that he realises he has been in denial about his past, as well as the violent side of his character (although I am not sure if that violence was a pre-disposition or in direct response to his wife killing his children) and prefers the labotomy option to having to live with the reality of what he has experienced, done and feels. Craig (who watched film with me) thought that he hadn't got the remotest idea and still thought that it was all a conspiracy against him.

Am suddenly wondering what it was that prompted me to write this post. Well, I am getting sick to death of people and their social engineering/control talk...using the media to tell other people how they should be living their lives whilst in the next breath proclaiming themselves too sick. For what, to be taken seriously? Is that a kind of sickness? To think that you have authority and and the right to moral control but then to start saying that when it comes to them, they are 'exempt'? Is it a twisted belief that they can save people...or more that they are trying to save themselves at other people's expense? Whatever, I am highly scepticle of anyone who claims to be representative of me, whilst never actually asking me what I think, feel, experience (trying to super-impose what they believe I should be feeling etc on me). The reason this is so important now is that social engineering is much more of a reality and when it comes to responsibility.....I fear people will be made to be responsible for their illness (blamed for having illness) and when they don't cut it, in this brave new world...they will be subject to a different kind of labotomy. Extermination of a sorts...just like in the film. The guy didn't cut it...it was 2 strikes and out.

Big Brother, who on one hand is believing themselves generous and compassionate.... on the other...imposing their morality on someone to the point of extinction. Well, that was my take on the film and is my take on what is happening now with more to follow.

The propoganda seeds are being sown. We all belong in a Big Society. Big Brother has told us that. Now it is how society is manipulated to believe that there is an ideal type ...a uniform type...and only they belong. Faulty goods are not allowed (particularly with mental illness) and will be blamed, bullied and driven out (of their minds, communities and homes). Ultimately, mental illness will no longer exist..it will be those who can 'fit to type' and the mentally ill will be deviants who must be punished. Paranoid maybe? But time will tell.

As for the Shutter Shed. It's about me reality checking and downsizing accordingly. Metaphorically speaking and who knows what on the literal level.

I don't think it will be a case of even having 2 strikes. 1 strike and then fekked!!!

ESA not fit for purpose

If you agree, as I do, that Employment Support Allowance has not been thought out properly and that the support mechanisms, job opportunities for those who can work (including flexible work which understands the erratic nature of severe mental illnesses)and actual understanding of how mental illness affects people period, please sign the petition at:

http://www.gopetition.com/petitions/esa-is-not-fit-for-purpose.html

One in 4 of us.....

....can tell the difference between Stork and margarine.....and the rest are lying!!!!!

Direct Payments. A Tale of Utter Confusion on the part of the Professionals

Viewers to this blog (bless your hearts and stamina) may remember that my ex care co-ordinator...in line with my care plan...put forward a proposal to Social Services in order for me to get a Direct Payment to help with issues around isolation, agoraphobia and depressive side of my illness.

That was Autumn 2009. Social Services agreed to fund me in December of the same year and I, eventually, got a back payment of £800 in May 2010 (in lieu of the months leading up to that point).

It took another 3 months due to MH Trust insisting I must use one of the care agencies recommended by them, only to later be informed that the care agencies they recommended do not provide the sort of support I needed (their words not mine) and me than having to (muchly supported by local Disability Resource Centre) go through process of employing a care lady (drafting job description/interviewing etc etc etc.

So, I have had 3 months of my care lady's time at 3 hours per week. Thankfully, I picked the right lady. She is brilliant. Empathetic, on time, flexible and friendly.

There are however, still a few outstanding issues such as

Central Bedfordshire Council, whom set deadlines for me to return expenditure paperwork to them but do not send me the paperwork to complete. Up until this month I had been photocopying forms and sending them back. To ensure I was adhering to their policies. However, I have been a bit strapped of late and can't afford printer ink...so the paperwork has not been returned and the file (I bought and organised to ensure everything was in its place is now devoid of some essential paperwork).

Not only are they incapable of keeping to their own policies but on the odd occasion I have needed to talk to them about things like "How come I still have £1,000 in my account and only 3 months left of my care lady's time?" along with "Could I use some of this money to pay for my care lady to attend Thai Chi classes with me?" I mean who is going to be working for somebody 3 hours per week and pay for themselves to do that? Not many people, me thinks. I have left messages on answerphones and, as yet, not one response!!!!

I am sure there are people thinking "How come this woman still has that amount of money" or "WTF is going on?" Well, firstly, I have stuck by what I thought was the original agreement of 6 months to pay for care support and secondly, I haven't got a damn clue what is going on anymore. Maybe, social services are providing the Direct Payment for a year. If so, then they should have formally written that into the agreement. Basically, I have spoken to a few people about this and their view is the council have totally lost the plot on this and are in a mess.

Anyway, Care Lady managed to hunt out 'Thai Chi' course starting on Monday. Centre needed enrolment fees by today. I rang council, no-one available to talk to me, rang Disability Resource Centre who told me it was up to Care Co-ordinator. Rang CMHT office..Care Co-ordinator, out...due back any minute....waited around for hour and then had to make executive decison to pay for care lady's enrolment fee from Direct Payment as Em only had a while to spare to take me to the centre (she is in the middle of moving into a flat share) and so it friggin' goes.

Care co-ordinator finally got back to me half hour back and is in agreement that part of the direct payment can and should be used for care lady to do activities with me..as per mental and physical well being/care plan. He now has the ominous task of trying to make contact with the council to confirm this.

Case of watch this space become supper massive black hole.

Hell, if council has a problem with that they can sue me and I will counter sue for all the ruddy aggro they put me through. Well, actually I won't because I can't be doing with trying to get a lawyer,I can't be doing with the many layers of bureaucracy that weave themselves around and then swallow me up.... and I can't be doing with trying to get to courts....although I could ask Care Lady to accompany me. Ha! Ha! Irony my very bestest friend.

The right to reply...where?

Being prepared to.... as Ms Dorries states people should... "Stand up for what I believe in", I went to her blog to ask her, what I thought to be, pertinent questions about her comments.

Surprise, surprise....comments aren't allowed. Well, I certainly couldn't find a comment section. If anyone else does, please enlighten me.

A personal spat that got out of hand or something more sinister?

Having read and re-read the article in 'Disability Now', it could have been a spat that got of hand????

Labour v Tory....bitch v brat? Or maybe Ms Dorries has issues with disabled people having any kind of quality of life????

People will make of it what they will but I have issues with people who blog about how they are doing all sorts of things and then when someone questions if they are poorly..they suddenly go into victim mode. I don't believe you can switch illness off. If I could have, I would have years ago.

However, neither do I believe that because someone is ill they shouldn't have a better quality of life or be allowed and SUPPORTED to have one... and what I constitute as quality and support 1) might be someone else's nightmare and 2) I gotta ask just where is the support?

I am one of those dirty rottern scroungers that uses Facebook. I use it because it allows me to socialise in ways my life/illness does not allow. Some days it stops me being and feeling totally alone. Other days I find it overwhelming..on those days I find most things overwhelming.

If an MP genuinely believes that Social Networking is not something disabled people should be allowed to do..then I have to wonder if that MP would also have disabled people wearing armbands, living in segregated parts of towns and ultimately sent to gas chambers. Maybe that sounds extreme but the Natzis took away the rights of people they believed lesser mortals..to the point of genocide..and let us not forget that the mentally ill were the first to be targetted by the Natzis, although nobody has the balls to be that open and honest about it when they are giving history lectures!!!

Bedfordshire MP encourages dobbing in of disabled people who use social network sites

Article from 'Disability Now'
http://www.disabilitynow.org.uk/latest-news2/news-focus/mps-blog-sets-web-a-twitter/?searchterm=dorries

"Disabled internet users have hit out at Conservative MP Nadine Dorries following her open invitation to report benefit recipients who communicate online excessively.

Ms Dorries, MP for Mid-Bedfordshire, wrote a blog entry on her website on 30 September, asking readers to contact her or the Department for Work and Pensions if they knew of anyone on benefits and using social networking site Twitter who has tweeted more than 35,000 times in the last three months.

Many disabled people took this to mean that Ms Dorries felt that those who regularly use the social networking site are not entitled to benefits.

Ms Dorries reacted in a second blog entry: “If you Twitter all day, every day, about claiming disability benefit in one tweet whilst arranging a night out in the pub in the next […] don’t expect someone like me not to a) inform the authorities and b) tell you to get of [sic] your Twitter and get a job.”

It is understood that Ms Dorries aimed her comments at one particular disabled tweeter, though they affected many more.

Ms Dorries told Disability Now: “[The tweeter] has whipped up an online storm by presenting an inaccurate portrayal of me, but I feel that people don’t really know that, as a Labour party member, she has a political motive.”

The tweeter, who preferred to remain anonymous (but you can read her tweets at twitter.com/HumphreyCushion), replied: “She’s wrong, I’m just a woman with a blog; I am not powerful like her.

“What she said puts everyone in the same bracket. It’s none of her business what people do at home, benefits or no benefits. The internet is really good for keeping disabled people in touch with people.”

Sarah Ismail, a disabled journalist and blogger, agreed. “I am a freelance journalist and blogger who uses Twitter to promote my work and find new work. If I could say one thing to Nadine Dorries it would be that we don’t all use Twitter to plan trips to the pub!”

Disabled tweeter Andy Platt added: “It is very alarming that a person with views like hers sits on the health select committee, which will inevitably give her a voice in the setting of some aspects of Government policy on people with disabilities.”

Nadine Dorries told Disability Now that people who are “genuinely” disabled have her support. “But if you are someone who can sit on a keyboard all day constantly updating something every few minutes, you have that level of attention span and stamina, you should be working.”

She added: “We need to see more employers providing opportunities for people to work from home. Disability organisations should be working to change the way employers think.”

•Nadine Dorries’s blogs can be found on blog.dorries.org

The grieving never ends

Thanks to Norm for caring enough to listen to my terrorised warblings in the early hours.

My friend's Mum is being cremated today. I had gone into strident mode. Was going to walk to friend's house and from there join her and her family and go to the service. I felt okay about it, was wanting to be there for her..would say the normal response to situation but last night was like melt down.

Ms Strident can be really handy. Not that I have much control over her. She takes over whenever she takes over and most probably because she has to.

Having spoken to Norm, and felt I could muddle through another night, I dropped a lorazepam and fell into sleep. Woke up (as is the case) quite groggy but Strident was there, demanding I washed my hair, sorted out what I thought was an appropriate outfit to wear,busying myself trying to organise myself and then I thought about the crematorium, a freezing cold January, the droning words of the vicar, Dad's empty body sitting next to me and Mum's coffin slowly rolling behind the curtains. Shouting my final "Goodbye".

I am so fucking sick of saying "Goodbye"...of loss.

I feel an utter shit for not being there for my friend. I rang her. Of course, she was fine about it. She even said that it most probably reminds me too much of Mum's funeral and that she knows I am ill. She made a point of saying I must get to Craig's and stay safe. I bawled. Because she was so understanding (on such a day) and because I am so useless.

It isn't all about Mum's death though. It is about losing both parents at the same time. Of not being able to share my grief with my Dad...because he was gone away himself.

I have a daughter of nearly 22 and I feel like a child. A frightened child.

Yeah, I have fought, over and over for my Dad and my own survival and I managed to get my daughter through her GCSE's and A Levels ..... and maybe I will fight some more. It isn't easy though. Being mostly alone, being targetted (although i don't take that personally..I know there are many of us that will be targetted..we are surplus to requirement).

Patient Guard, this mutt is dog tired of fighting and grieving and needs to sleep.

From Dawn Willis to Zen Asylum.and back to Tommy.Gotta ask ourselves where the seeds of discrimation are sown and spread like a disease

Apologies for anyone who has already read my comment on Zen Asylum's thread but felt it important to repost here:

Reminds me of what local Mind did to my friend Tommy. He liked to dress in unconventional (challenging for the 'normalists') ways.

On several occasions he was taken for quiet chats with the user group manager (who was paid for with Mind coffers) and ultimtely he was forced to leave as they made it intolerable for him to stay within the group.

I had long since left the service user group, by this time, because I realised that Mind were actually in cahoots with MH services and the Department of Health spin rather than actively making themselves a democratic voice for local service users.

After, or maybe as part of a manic episode, which ended with Tommy going into acute care, being pumped with drugs and not being allowed to wear clothes he liked..he was sent home with minimul support from services (or anyone actually) and hung himself.

The last I saw of Tommy was in the acute unit, when my Dad was in there, and he told me he was on Olanzapine and doing okay. I asked him to take care and wished him the best. F'ing futile on my part.

All I remember is thinking "why isn't he wearing the clothes he likes?".His best friend later told me the acute unit staff refused to let him. There were a fair few organisations refusing to let Tommy be.

Another example of how diabolical charities are is: after the funeral service, Mind had organised for people who attended the day cente (run by them) to go for a drink. Tommy's best friend was not invited, even though he was a regular visitor to the day centre.

If that is charity then they can stick it where the sun don't shine!!!!

Connecting into Pro-Action and not just Reaction

I had closed my blog down to comments. Not going into details about why (some things are far more important than that). However, I am allowing comments because I want to connect with people who are worried about Welfare Reform, the future of disabled people and to share information in regards to protests and action that can be taken.

Due to my illness, I won't be able to get to many of the protests but hope that by connecting to other people, I will be able to get to some or pass information on. Whatever I can do, really.

If anyone else is going to the November conference, from the Bedfordshire area, please let me know. I can't afford £30+ pounds in public transport costs but am happy to contribute towards petrol.

A coalition against cuts

The Coalition of Resistance Conference should be pretty good I think and it is only £3 for unemployed. If you sign up with them they send you news about what they are doing. They are on Facebook as well:

Coalition of Resistance Against Cuts & Privatisation | Newsletter 6 | October 24

Coalition of Resistance Conference | 27 November | London
Conference Registration
Name
Address - Email
The conference is filling up and it is important for people to book places now. We have managed to aquire extra space for the conference and there will be a wide range of workshops and plenary sessions.
One of the largest will be on organising against the cuts in your locality and we will be hearing from many of the new anti-cuts groups springing up around the country. Also there will be sessions on defending the welfare state, working with the unions, states of inequality, analysing the crisis and debating the alternatives and many others. A full list of speakers and sessions will be sent out shortly.

How you can help
We have just acquired some office space and are asking for volunteers to help us build the conference and help with the website. Please contact us if you can spare some time.

Please send us a small donation. We have a paypal facility on the website or just send a cheque made out to the 'Coalition of Resistance' to our address. Any money received will help us develop the campaign.

Join your local anti-cuts group and please send our website reports and photos of all your activity. If you need help setting up a group in your area please contact us and we will try and put you into contact with others close to you.

Andrew Burgin
07939 242229

http://www.coalitionofresistance.org.uk/

I want to take action but where is the coalition of disabled people?

If one more person tells me not to worry cos it might never happen I will scream (again)!!!!

Maybe some people's way of coping with the inevitable is not to think about it. If you are a person that thinks (deeply) about things how can you not think about what is happening? This is all about deliberate homicide by neglect. Calculated and merciless!

Disabled people do not count, unless they can work and even if they can Britain is a country in industrial decline....the competition for what jobs are out there is high and unless the Government intends to positively discriminate, I can't see how disabled people with the ability to work (who aren't already working) are going to be 'accommodated'. And for those of us who can't work in mainstream.....there is no flexibility to work within the limitations of our illnesses. But let us be clear, the Government has no intention of supporting people with mental illness to work and I mean those with severe mental illnesses. I don't think that was the intention of the previous government either. When I spoke at their party conference about welfare reform and the disabled....and the possibility of flexible work options...I was looked at as if I had come from another planet.

It was all about recovery and that meant within specific deadlines set by the Government. It is slighly heartening to see that those who were actually part of the sub groups (ex NIMHE) are now contradicting themselves and saying 'it was all spin and no substance'. That is now the money has run out for them and they are forced to deal with the reality some of us have been living with since we can remember. However, it's too little too late. They were happy to buy into the spin when they were rewarded. Such is human nature and there will be those who will survive the culling by latching onto something, possibly government driven or by a middle class clique that intends to make itself 'the voice of the subclassed'...but I know how these things work. It's survival of the fittest and so the fittest will do alright out of it, whilst the least able get ignored.

I see some organised protests and wish I could be part of them. I just can't get to them. As ever, the more able are there, or disabled people who have those who support them to get there, whilst the least able and most isolated are left outside of things.

It would be something to see a coalition of disabled people, supported by the more able, protesting at what is to come. Sadly we haven't got the strength and against a political system that is hell bent on eradication, our time is running out.

Universal and then the much more personal bleugh stuff

Have ventured further out into blogland, tonight. Haven't done much of that lately. Call it paranoia/neurosis/cowardice but sometimes I need to keep enough of myself for myself to keep going, without the graters and haters on my case.

Well, I ventured to a site which watches what government funded return to work organisations are up to. Not sure they have been up to much post new government. All charities and projects waiting around to see how political land lies before they try and stake their claim. Back to the plot (mine such as). It's talking about the 'Universal Benefit'.

Dare those of us with mental illness speak about it? In this climate of micro living, for fear of discussing anything of real importance. Well, I dare...cos there is much to lose and fekk all to gain. That is if I am picking up the media hype correctly.

One benefit for everyone on benefits. I can see how people might see that as fair. People without disabilities, who don't live alone and have a more conventional family or extended family network cushioning/supporting/whatevering that is positive. Note to others who have never had conventional families...I am not quite sure what a conventional family means but I like the idea of it in the fluffy sense..and would like to be part of one. Maybe I need to put myself up for adoption.

Looking at what would be worst case scenario for me but most probably financially best option for government, is this going to be based on the lowest financial denominator. I mean....a weekly income of round £50 to live on? If so, it won't be long before I lose my home (marbles having been well and truly lost before hand).

This may sound like melodramatics but I think I will be looking for the opt out clause in life. I don't expect this to sway anyone's opinion. It will just be a reality for me that I won't cope with bills (I can't pay) or what might become the luxury of deciding what days to eat on. Ho hum.

What will be, will be and I may not be when what will be is!

I had previously toyed with (then shelved) a posting about what constitutes self harm. Which may or may not have proved interesting. It came about after a discussion I had with my 'phone a friend'. Have been suffering with ear ache, more itching and swooshing in ears which then seemed to spread into my jaw. Had been mostly neurotic..trying to work out what it might be...swaying between infection and cancer but 'logic' got the better of me and thought infection most likely. Anyway, sort of mid conversation it struck me...what it was and also reminded me that my memory can be very selective. Have had pretty rancid couple of weeks, fighting, mostly, losing battle with depression..but putting up one heck of a fight. Somewhere in the middle of last week I got to the angry and frustrated with self stage and punched both cheeks with my fists..and then promptly forgot I did it. May sound bollocks but that is how it was...and it was the conversation with friend that triggered something in my memory.

After that, decided best not go to GPs. What's to say, without ringing alarm bells? "I inadvertantly punched my cheeks so hard one has swollen up?" or be honest and then get that look from them..the one that means they want you out of their surgery as soon as. I certainly don't need to have 'Self Harms' as another tick on my care co-ordinator's check list. I don't consider it habitual. I have done this sort of thing before but not often. It just got to that point..the point where I did it and wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I think if I had done a post on self harm..I would have been seen as 'lame'. Actually, calling it self harm...even though my jaw is refusing to move that much and hurting like fuck when I force it to. Another daft cow moment.....payback in neurosis too high!

The final bleugh stuff..the bleughest of all for me, right this minute, is it feels like winter already. I always get the dreads around October time..followed by traditional (having never come to terms with) winter doldrums......but it seems worse this year. All the rain and the rain and then the rain. Sometimes, I like rain. Summer rain...on brave days walk about in it.......but this is dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting rain.

Then again these are dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting times. Could be personal...could be more general. That is how I am feeling it.

Letting Go - Final Letter to MP.

Thank you for your latest letter and your support with my many communications. I apologise if it has seemed I am just making a nuisance of myself for the sake of it. That has not been the case. I genuinely believe that I have had to fight for some basic rights for my father and appropriate care for myself.

I do now feel that specific areas of concern in regards to my own care have been addressed. Respite care is now an option for me and is in place as is the Direct Payment, which I am using to get support to take me out and involve me in things that are beneficial to my well being. I do not think I would have got these without your support and the support of the lawyer.

However, I am most unsatisfied with what has happened in regards to my father. I understand the law is the law. Both my father and I will abide by that. What has frustrated both of us the most is the lies we have been told and the way we have been messed about by different services. It still continues with my father having asked for an advocate and not got one. Being told by South Essex Partnership trust that he was not sectioned, in the past, when both of us know that he was. These things seem to drag on and on, with endless streams of paperwork to go with them, just trying get to the bottom of things and I do not think it is in the best interests of my mental well being to keep fighting for this.

I do feel that I am letting my father down but I can’t continue to battle on, hitting brick walls. His basic care needs are being met and I no longer have to worry that he is in a position to kill himself. That, I think, is as good as it is going to get.

I do worry that if organisations are allowed to keep lying that it becomes acceptable practise but one person can not change the system and I would be stupid to try.

Again, I thank you for help and hope for a better future for us all.

Accountablity and sharing one's own truth

I have taken, of late, to not sharing much about me and what I do. Mainly, because of the vultures out there who just love to pick at the bones of people if they get half a chance BUT I am sharing my latest letter to my lawyer because ..well just because I feel I have to keep fighting for justice in a country where justice only serves the most wealthy and able.

Here goes

Dear (solicitor)

Re: On going concerns regarding South Essex Partnership Trust and Gaining Access to Pertinent Information

I am afraid I am writing to say I am most perturbed by what is going on. In addition to the Trust continually delaying it’s response to the letter you sent them on my behalf (at the start of summer). I am perturbed that I still don’t have a copy of the letter you sent to them, so am unaware of what has been written on my behalf.

I would like to clarify that during our initial meeting, prior to you taking up my case, I was seeking a copy of the Report on what led to my father’s suicide attempt, last autumn. This is a fundamental piece of evidence in regards to the level of neglect my father was subject to and the level of pressure I was put under, having to try and keep my eye on him and maintain my own mental well being (which was severely affected by what happened).

I understand from what you have written that my father is not entitled to legal aid. However, I think that the law is being abused by the Trust’s unhelpfulness in providing formal documentation, which is paramount in him receiving what he is entitled to.

The panel met in December to agree what support my father would be given and both my father and I were (verbally) informed that the panel agreed to him going into a care home and that the costs of this would be covered (in full) on the grounds of his ill health. However, Social Services are now paying for his care and he is losing his pensions because of this. It is not fundamentally about money. It is about what is just and fair and, his entitlement to formal documentation on what was agreed. I write this to you because due to the misguidance both of us have been given, I have been called upon to act on my father’s behalf in matters that have caused me major stress and distress.

All either he or I have had is verbal agreements. Nothing has been put in writing, at any time, and sent to him or me.

The only resolution, I can see to this situation is that Freedom of Information Act Requests are sent to the Trust for the original formal documentation. That being

The Report completed on my father (including details of the stress it put us both under)
A copy of the original agreement that the Panel made, in December, prior to my father going into the care home.

I appreciate that you think that my father’s outstanding issues have no relevance but in addition to the length of time it has taken for any of my concerns to be addressed, which has been a very long time indeed, the fact that I have had to try and get (unsuccessfully) documentation regarding verbal agreements and investigations/report, I think it unacceptable and there must be a way for the law to carry out a duty to vulnerable people who are being abused by continual system failure and deception.

I have sent a copy of this to my MP because I believe it isn’t just about the law trying to make people and organisations accountable but for those who represent them to try and do so to.

I feel strongly that both my father and I have been continually neglected and treated unfairly by systems that have done little to alleviate the stress placed upon us.

Yours sincerely

As banks make mega profits....David Cameron proclaimed new Messiah

It really is amazing what 2 month's in office can do for the economy! Well the Financial Sector.

Yes, of course I know it was fekk all to do with the Tories but they will claim it is something to do with their 'Big Society ethics (a bit of 'penny pinching' from the rich and 'pound pinching' from the poor'

Fuckers!!!!

I am expecting my letter from Job Centre confirming I have been given work as a CBT Therapist any day now.

Me: "Tell me about your childhood"

Followed by heartbreaking trip down their memory lane

Me: "Now it's my turn!!!"

Why send in the clowns when you can use Trojans????

Would like to thank the person who sent the Trojan virus via this blog. Very clever of you. Now you can go off and feel all smug about your technical abilities.

Love the way it's all anonymous and behind the scenes. Total cowardice really!!!

Evidence suggests there is more to depression than low serotonin levels

'New Scientist' Article: "Rethink Needed For Cause of Depression"

"IF YOU thought depression was caused by low serotonin levels, think again. It looks as if the brain chemistry of a depressed person is much more complex, with mounting evidence suggesting that too much serotonin in some brain regions is to blame.

If correct, it might explain some of the negative side-effects associated with selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors (SSRIs), antidepressants like Prozac which increase the amount of the neurotransmitter serotonin in some parts of the brain.
The traditional view of depression was largely based on the observation that SSRIs boost mood- although why they do so is unknown. "Because antidepressants increase serotonin in some parts of the brain, people assumed that depression must be the result of low serotonin levels," says Christopher Lowry of the University of Boulder in Colorado. But the discovery of multiple types of serotonin-releasing neurons in the brain, along with high levels of serotonin recorded in people with depression, is prompting a rethink.

"What's more likely is that there are subgroups of serotonin neurons that are overactive in depressed patients, rather than underactive as we have all been assuming," says Lowry.

It's likely there are groups of serotonin neurons that are overactive, not underactive as assumed.

One of the first clues that something might be amiss with the traditional theory came three years ago, when Murray Esler at the Baker Heart Research Institute in Melbourne, Australia, and colleagues found that the level of serotonin in the brains of people with panic disorder was four times higher than in healthy volunteers (Stress, DOI: 10.1080/10253890701300904), and in depressed people who were not receiving treatment it was two times higher than in volunteers (Archives of General Psychiatry, vol 65, p 38). They also showed that long-term use of SSRIs in people with depression and panic disorder seemed to decrease serotonin levels through an as yet unidentified mechanism.

Now, in studies of rats and mice, Lowry has found that there are multiple types of serotonin neurons that can be independently regulated. He presented his results at the Forum of European Neuroscience in Amsterdam, the Netherlands, last week.
This fits well with findings from other groups that there are two types of serotonin receptor in the amygdala, a brain region linked to emotion and anxiety: 5-HT2A receptors that inhibit anxiety, and 5-HT2C receptors that promote it. The roles of the receptors were identified by injecting drugs that either stimulated or inhibited each receptor and observing the animals' behavioural response

Together, the findings might mean that while high levels of serotonin in some brain regions like the prefrontal cortex can lead to improved mood, high serotonin in other regions could have negative effects.

Evidence for this idea comes from Gina Forster at the University of South Dakota in Vermillion and colleagues, who injected a stress-related molecule into the brains of rats and found that it triggered two phases of serotonin release. An initial wave of serotonin appeared to increase fear-like behaviour in the rats, while a second wave decreased this behaviour, possibly because it activated a brain region called the medial prefrontal cortex, which is associated with calming of fears (Neuroscience, vol 141, p 1047).

The new findings have implications for how SSRI drugs work. In the long-term, SSRIs do tend to have a calming effect, although more research is needed to understand how they do this.

However, in the short-term some people taking SSRIs report feeling increased anxiety. This is "almost certainly due to the activation of one of these groups of serotonin neurons", says Lowry. The suicidal thoughts some people taking SSRIs claim to experience may also be linked to boosting serotonin, as suicide is thought to be associated with increased impulsivity. "It may be that certain types of SSRI are affecting these impulsivity circuits in the brain," says Lowry.

Learning more about these different groups of serotonin neurons could lead to better treatments for depression and anxiety disorders. "It might be possible to design very specific drugs that can turn on or off specific groups of neurons that are deregulated in anxiety or depression," says Lowry."
http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg20727703.300-serotonin-cell-discoveries-mean-rethink-of-depression.html

Panic Ye Not...All will be fine (cough, cough)

With everyone on incapacity benefits or DLA for MH related illnesses stressed to max that their benefits are going to be taken away from them, a reassuring word (via Hansard site)....

Yes indeed. Paul Farmer of Mind, will be acting as an advisor to the government on the capacity assessment process.

Phewee..and there was me thinking that us loons were up for another hammering.

We all know what stirling work Mr Farmer has done on placing 'Mind' centre stage in the role of deliverer of work programmes for the mentally challenged. What do you mean, a clash of interests? No clash of his interests (for himself). Oh yours...well, sorry mate but yours, mine and anyone else with mental illness's don't count.

Rest assured Mr Farmer's position as government lead will be secure for quite some time.

Butt-kissers....you best get back to doing what you do best. There might be something in it for you.A shiny shiny award given to the person with the most chapped lips.

Bullying within Blogland...and while we are at it let's talk about stigma shall we!!!!

Another blog is likely to bite the dust. One of the few I venture to..one of the few I believe is written by someone who is genuine and not trying to become some MH celebrity or ,worse, hell bent on destroying others who don't agree with them.

Was kinda discussing this on Facebook the other day and for all that the MH elite will look down their noses at it, I have found many people there to be much more supportive than those (who do have or claim to have MH problems)out in Blogosphere. I think that says more about Stigma and Discrimination (as in where it's roots lie) than any anti-stigma campaign, I have come across, says!!!

One person came on to my FB page and wrote about 'countefoil' which is actually a clique of people whose sole purpose seems to be to harrass those who don't agree with an agenda they are following. Obsessive, I call that... but damn dangerous too because there are many vulnerable people who blog. Who find it an outlet, where they can express their feelings and experiences in ways they cannot in other areas of their life. Nasty little fekkers, sending private emails (not just the odd one either but in a pack) can actually push someone who is quite fragile over the edge. Do they give a damn? I doubt it...as long as they can carry on making out their the experts, all the time behind masks...all the time shifting from being ill, when they feel threatened to in recovery when there's something to be gained from it. Dolly Parton's tits are more real than they are and more impressive!!!!

I changed my blog and when I did I changed my attitude too. I got rid of the email option so if people have got the balls to express an opinion, they can do it openly on my blog. If not, they can keep their opinions to themselves. I haven't however, become a faceless wonder...when I go to other blogs (which gets less and less as time goes on), I go as myself and I also put my email address up before my comment gets posted...so they can email me if they wish. I am not frightened to stand up and be counted and defend my beliefs. Is not heroic..is just being honest.

What I won't tolerate is people I don't know sending me abusive mail because they haven't got the bottle to say what they think openly and on the rare occasion I do now get abusive emails, I simply write 'F off' back to them.

Blogland can be (and often is) swamped by a bunch of fakers, showing out, in order to be headhunted by the media. I don't think that makes for a fair and objective view of people with MH problems but such is life.

As for me, I will continue to write what I write, as I think and feel, depending on level of importance to me, other stuff going on in my life and my personal state of being at time.

Not going to let any snidey arsewipe (or groups of) stop me.

A voice from the wilderness...saying "I don't know WTF is going on either"

As I hadn't heard anything from my lawyer for some time; not since she emailed me writing that she had written to South Essex Partnership Trust, raising the concerns that I had discussed with her (back in May), I decided to touch base and ask where things were at.

I got a response today. Cutting to the chase, The Trust Complaints Manager has managed to acknowledge receipt of her letter to them and promised a response by 7th July. Well, that date came and went so the lawyer chased them up. They asked for a stay of grace....until 16th July and then, in another communication, requested a Written Consent Form signed by me. Luckily, I had signed the form at the original meeting with lawyer.

The Trust then asked for a 2 week's delay (in addition to that of 16th July). Lawyer has given them one week, which takes us up to 23rd July. Wonder what excuses The Trust will come up with then. Bet it's the tried and tested (and used like a worn out record) "The manager is on leave and won't be back until......whenever". We shall see!!!

Lawyer was also concerned that she wrote to my psychiatrist and ex care co-ordinator (after our initial meeting) asking them to organise a CPA meeting with me, and she hasn't heard anything. Talk about weird timing. I got a letter, today, requesting my attendance at a meeting next Monday...perhaps she will get a copy of that letter, in the next few days...and perhaps not.

In the meantime, the issues over Direct Payments have gone on...with the Trust, originally insisting I use a care organisation approved by them..only for ex care co-ordinator to be told (by that company) that they don't cater for the sort of care my Direct Payment is to be used for. An officer at the Disability Resource Centre got involved and between them and myself (with minimul input from CC) we drafted a Job Description, that is now in the local job centre. Closing date for applicants, Friday. All being well, interviews next week. Considering it took from the Panel Agreement in December until May for the Direct Payments to actually start being made...I reckon this is small fry. Am laughing here because my review date (effects of Direct Payment on my well being) was scheduled for June. The way things are going, I won't even start using them till August!!!!

As for the care support being provided to my father, by the Older Age Person's Team...That is another blog posting, in it's own right, and is not a tale of SEPT doing something right but actually not doing anything at all. When I last spoke to Dad about it, he blames himself for being a 'hopeless case'. I don't blame him at all..I blame them for adding to his feelings of worthlessness by their highly conspicious absense in regards to his care. Luckily, his basic needs are being met and very well, by the staff in the Care Home..but that is no excuse for the Trust to have no involvement in his care at all. Ah well, me thinks the complaints manager will have yet another letter for them to pussy foot around....sadly father is not entitled to legal aid and local advocacy services proved utterly useless after he took his overdose. Almost like they hadn't got a clue what to do. Welcome to the ruddy club!!!!

Health Service Journal - Survey -Govt White Paper on NHS Reform

Can't remember when I subscribed to HSJ online thingy but it was in response to some lame comments made by shrinks on there....friend sent me details. Anyway, that aside, have mostly avoided it because it is aimed at quote - Health Professionals unquote - and I don't want to be spending too much time around those types.

Latest update from the HSJ is email encouraging people to complete their survey on the effects the outcomes of Govt White Paper will have on NHS reform. I assume the people it would prefeer responding to it's survey are NHS professionals but I took up the challenge, whatever.

From the titbits of info I am picking up... here and there, the shift will be from PCT to GP Commissioning.

I actually found the questions directed to specific answers or more likely not allowing for a broad and most probably more general view on what 'people' think the outcomes might be. Then again, it was aimed at NHS staff rather than Jo Public (and patients) at large. Naughty HSJ...aren't you forgetting where your bread and butter comes from?????

I have to say, of the about 10 questions that were asked, I answered half-ish of them with "Don't know" because what a govt says it sets out to do and what actually happens are often very different things. However, I do believe, it should (whether it does or not) cut out alot of unnecessary and surplus to requirement management that's sole purpose seems to be to provide layers of bureacracy, at present.

I like the idea of GPs having more power to have specialisms within their surgeries (should they choose to use the money that way) and also the power to refer patients on to specialists (not necessarilay the ones they are referred to now). Is this where a possible choice agenda for MH patients could begin in earnest? Maybe...I think that depends on the GPs...or individual GPs more like..and the relationships they have with their patients who have MH problems.

It could all be part of some privatising of NHS..not so much through the backdoor as via a window (of opportunity???). If I was asked "Will that be a good thing?" I would have to say "Depends on the quality of the services that will be given and who will have access to them". I think there is enough of a divide between the rich and poor in this country already and we already have private healthcare systemS for those with the dosh who can then CHOOSE to opt out. Ho hum!

Would have been more democratic, on the part of the government, to do some of this consulting with the public (as pioneers of The Big Society) before producing the White Paper but we all know that rhetoric is exactly that and this Government is hell bent on getting what it wants. The rest of us are just along for the beating!

Not sure if anyone can access this but if you want to have a look at the survey, hope the link works.

http://www.zoomerang.com/SurveyWEB22AWM95HEED

A woman, finally, gets some justice for the injustice done to her whilst in care

http://www.belfasttelegraph.co.uk/breaking-news/uk-ireland/church-pays-woman-drugged-at-home-14868828.html

The Church of England has paid "substantial" damages to a woman who claimed she was heavily sedated during her time at a children's home, it has been disclosed.
Teresa Cooper, 43, accepted the out-of-court settlement from church authorities after alleging that she was abused and restrained with doses of tranquillisers and other drugs.

A BBC investigation last year revealed that some girls who were heavily sedated while living at Church of England-run Kendall House in Gravesend, Kent, in the 1970s and 1980s went on to have children with a range of birth defects.

According to files from Kendall House, which is no longer a children's home, girls were given massive doses of a number of drugs over long periods of time.

Former resident Ms Cooper's three children all have birth defects and she has fought an 18-year campaign to secure justice, she said. Her eldest son was born with respiratory difficulties, her second son was born blind and developed learning difficulties, and her daughter was born with a cleft palate and a short lower jaw.
Ms Cooper, who left the home in 1984 at 16, was given medication at least 1,248 times over a 32-month period. This included three major tranquillisers, drugs to counter side-effects and anti-depressants, including up to 10 times the current recommended dose of Valium.

The Diocese of Rochester said it has not admitted liability but said it hopes Ms Cooper would now be able to move on with her life. In a statement, it said: "Although Ms Cooper instructed a legal firm, no legal proceedings were issued. In reaching a settlement, no admissions of liability were made. It is our fervent hope that the terms of the settlement agreed will assist Teresa Cooper move forward with her life."

Ms Cooper, a writer who lives near Chelmsford, Essex, said she would like a public apology from the church. She said: "The settlement is a step in the right direction. The church has worked with me on an equal level, which took a long time to achieve and I'm quite happy with what they have done. But I would like them to investigate what happened, what went wrong and to investigate the drugs that were used that saw girls go on to have children with birth defects.

"There are lots of things the church can do and which I believe is their Christian duty to do, and I would also like a public apology at the Synod. Hopefully, we will now get justice for the other girls."

A statement through her solicitors, Lavelle Coleman, said: "In a recent settlement, Teresa Cooper has received substantial High Court damages and has concluded her years of effort to secure justice in her case. Represented by Lavelle Coleman solicitors and Elizabeth Anne Grumble QC, Teresa was finally vindicated and her pain and suffering were properly acknowledged."

Respite-ary unblockage...in spite of bare faced lying and skullthuggery of all sorts

How long it is since 'Steppingstones' rehabiliation and respite care centre was closed...I cannot remember....but would guess around 5 years.

So it has been a 5 year battle...with much bullshitting from the powers that be along the way....to get to the point I got to on Wednesday. That point being, I finally got some respite care. Yep, get the balloons, party poppers and banners out. Houston, we have lift off!!!!

Well, I had lift off :>)

I think the several letters from MP, literally starting from the words "Public Consultation" (which turned out to be a staged one off event in central Bedfordshire... only MH Trust managers and a couple of members of the service user representative group attended - no other invites sent out) might have helped along the way. Those letters and the threat, more than any action taken by a lawyer and mostly a pro-active care co-ordinator who had to find out about the centre in Luton, with minimul support from managment (a certain member of said management insisting there was no such thing as respite care in Bedfordshire and rather grudgingly saying that if the care co-ordinator believed I needed respite to go and find it). Thankfully she did, not long before finding herself another job and I don't blame her. With bosses like that, who needs enemies!!!!!!

Anyway, it may have taken a long time but progress has been made and overall it was what I needed.

The centre itself is modern and not in a clinical, clinking clanking of keys, people ushered to meds, ushered to OT, ushered to meals and then ushered to bed, way. It, has rightly won awards for excellence because it represents valuing patients in a way I have rarely seen in anything provided by MH Trusts before.

It has 3 floors. The bottom one is what I would call The Everyday Floor. Staff Room, Kitchen, TV Lounge, side rooms for visitors and meetings and a couple of bedrooms. I was in one of them. The other 2 floors are for men and women, respectively (so that, I assume the needs of women can be catered for specifically as with the men..I assume, I don't know and didn't ask).

The highlight of my stay has to be the garden. A place in which I spent the biggest part of my waking day. As I wrote to a friend, most of the other part of it spent at 'puffing billy' (no sexual activity took place)....just outside the centre walls. I find it ironic (then I would as a smoker) that in amongst all this anti stigma bollocks that goes on...you have a line of people forced to smoke on the pavement outside an NHS building (which has no name because it doesn't want to bring attention to 'psychiatric references').

I think the song does go "The saddest sight I ever saw was people smoking outside the hospital wall". I am not being pro or anti smoking here. I abstain because I am biased by addiction but there has to be a better way of acknowledging patient needs without them having to pace about outside on a busy road, looking really conspicious. Perhaps the NHS policy is to shame patients into quitting the habit. Believe me it doesn't work!!!! Just give us bells and we can walk around bawling out "unclean" at the top of or voices!!!!

That is my biggest gripe and I know I will always be outnumbered on that one. Mid winter, snow falling,extremeties frozen, I will be out there puffing away.

Back to that glorious garden. Massive it is. Lots of different trees, flowers and plants and wonderful aromas. Slap bank in the middle, most encased in lavendar, is the pond. I spent a fair bit of time playing spot the fish. Was informed there are some but never got to seen them. Can think of worst ways of wasting my time.

I did plenty of reading (something I have struggled with lately) and my cans were rarely off my ears.

There was a bit of a mix up over an OT trip out bowling. I had (whilst taking notes of patient meeting) put my name forward along with 3 others to do this activity. When the time came, the OT person didn't turn up. So I went back to the garden and it was only when I went out for a ciggy, I clocked their car full of other patients. I assumed, based on her blank look when I asked if I could still attend, that people in respite are not allowed to go. Later I spoke with the Staff Nurse because I needed to know what the policy was. The policy is anyone can go but it is a first come, first served basis. Hmmmm.....Not sure if the OT lady had an issue with me (she is also the smoking cessation champion!!!) or just my paranoia but the communication went totally tits up and it left me feeling completely isolated, dejected and paranoid.

After ringing my mate, decided not to just up and leave and their advise was to talk to the OT personage and let them know how it made me feel. I didn't get that opportunity...so decided to leave it be because I do need to use respite care (sure that time will be pre or post Christmas) and should the same thing happen next time, I will challenge them directly and see what the problem with me, if there is one, is.

The other patients were friendly, in their unique ways and I became fond of one person. I will call her 'Rani' (which is not her name) and in spite of the many difficulties she has, came with me to the local shop and said if I forget where it is, she would take me there again. We had brief but warm chats during my stay and when I was waiting for the taxi to bring me home, today, she came out, gave me a warm hug and wished me well. I hugged her back and said I wished her the same and that if she was still there, next time, I look forward to seeing her.
I nearly cried.

The most basic kindnesses get me like that. There are so few of them around these days. It's all top show, no underwear city....and fekk all feelings to show for it.


Time was too short to really bond that much....and I felt a bit like I needed to keep some space...so that people didn't get too attached to me..or vice versa and then having to leave and me dealing with that. It was only respite and, anyway, I know that I can be over-bearing so kept myself low key.

Staff were pretty helpful too. I did struggle around my medication. That was my issue rather than theirs as I don't have a set time for taking them and had to ask..and often I got paranoid and then would get to freaky point before asking. Lesson learnt..particularly as staff nurses made it clear that as long as I stuck within my allowance, when I took my meds was down to me.

My relationship with them grew from minor distrust (because of prior experience of most things MH Trust wise) to respect. I knew the lead STR worker from stay in the old style pyschiatric unit, before acute care become too much like a mini prison style pressure cooker environment and the staff nurses were really good. I felt I was dealing human to human, rather than playing the boss/servant game.

So South Essex Partnership etc etc etc Trust. You do have something that, mostly, works really well and like I say, I am the first the lambaste when all is not well but credit where it is due and I give the respite care place 8/10. If the OT had gone smoothly it would have been a 9....the other 1 point is out of the centre's control because you can't change national policy!!!

Now it is time for me to collapse in heap as my dry disks are playing up....time to sedate myself. It will still hurt but I won't care so much.

The futility of voting for change

As I am sure many others are, I am deeply concerned about the goings on of this Tory/Lib Allegiance Government.

Previously, I have waxed positive about my local MP (Tory) who did, a fair bit of the time, fight my corner as I tried to get local MH services to do their jobs properly, fairly and consistently. However, a local MP dealing with their constituents is very different to a steamroller approach to stuffing the poor and vulnerable.

I have lost faith (totally) in the political system, which I should have realised only serves a certain section of society. I detest above all the Liberal Democrats for selling themselves out (apart from the referendum next May on Proportional Representation...which seems to be the only thing they now care about viz a vie their morals) and becoming whores to their power lust. Hope they enjoy the time they have sharing power (make that being subserviant to the Tories). I doubt they will be respected come the next general election..whenever the fekk that will be because the Tories wanna close the system down to a point where they run the show...indefinately.

The only political action I will be taking, in regards to the shite hole this system is, will be to go along to future balloting stations and write "It all stinks to high heaven" on my voting paper.

Fekk em all because they sure as hell are going to fekk me over!!!!!

So much for the Glory Days

Thank heavens for Whistleblowers, I say

Daily Mail Article -
Whistle blown on South Essex Mental Health Partnership Trust

Beds Mental Health Trust goes SEPT-ic

Yep....it's merging and blurring and all round a bit of a cock up.

Oh Beacon of the South East hasn't turned out quite to be the shining light that everyone assumed.

I heard, via the grapevine, that an amount of money that was 'supposed' to be allocated for carers was used to cover financial probbies elsewhere and when South East Essex Partnership Trust were asked where it had gone, they replied "Well, nobody told us it was ringfenced".

Dr Geohegan...that self proclaimed bearer of the silver slipper in this Cinderella service land, seems to have been missing in non action for the past year he was 'caretaker' managing..Literally nobody could communicate with him and he refused to communicate with anyone else (including my MP).and not much has been heard of him since he officially took to the helm of a very much run down Bedfordshire and Luton MH Service.

In fact, the only thing anyone has noticed since he started is that jobs are not being re-advertised, caseloads are doubling (likely to treble now) and quality staff (such as my most recent care co-ordinator) are leaving Community Mental Health Teams pretty sharpish...needless to say the dead wood is being left to float around in the mire with no one having the balls to either breathe some life back into them or pile em up and ship em off.....apart from some of the more angry and vocal patients. Others are doing the usual talking on corners and the talk is not of a renewed faith in a kind of seconded management team overseeing their care service more a depressed acceptance that it can get even crappier than it is. When you are having your care services delivered by one of, if not, the worst MH Trust in the country there isn't much to be optimistic about.

I understand (altough don't have the full details) that SEPT is once again being called to task about some other misdemeanors in the core (Essex) part of it's service. That is the one with Beacon Status.. the Trust that everyone in the Eastern Region bows down to before it's glory or gets their eyes burnt by the glare.

I have to say I am not surprised my care co-ordinator is leaving. She was one of the bright young things, intelligent and eager and run ragged...doing the job of 2 (maybe more) people.

Finally, between her, my MP and lawyer (although the latter seems to have sauntered through the gate after the horses had bolted) my direct payment has been paid into my account. That was last week. I remember the frantic day my care co-ordinator turned up and insisted I opened a new bank account that day, because the panel had agreed it and she had been informed I must have an account for the impmending payments to be paid into. That was the week before Christmas.

It does..and that is mostly due to correspondence between my myself MP (a rather vacant MH Director who wrote an Action Plan that seemed to be for someone else). In this plan the Director, who had informed me in November that it was looking positive in regards to the Direct Payment Application. In the plan he made a key point of stating there was an option of going for a Direct Payment to support my needs viz a vie my care plan. Did he take an amnesia pill at some point.

Actually, the commitments he made in regards to Dad's CMHT input into his care have amounted to fekk all. Dad hasn't seen anyone from that team for a couple of months.

All this is bureaupap is now with the lawyer. I am sick of dealing with complete cretins who obvisously are better at writing Action Plans (incorrect as the information within them may be)..than keeping staff informed of and ensuring they adhere to what they should be doing.

If I were to give Dr Geohegan one piece of advice, it would be to find out what his Directors are up to..and if they are up to directing. After that, I would say that I think he bit off way more than he could chew. He is most probably relieved that the Tories got in, with their agenda to slash public services...it now gives him an excuse to carry on what he has been doing (pretty much unchecked) for the last year.

I wonder if Mr Cameran is planning to look at the management styles and salaries of those in top tier positions within MH Trusts and to equate that with what is actually being delivered to patients. Not that anyone will give a stuff.

People are going to be so stressed and hard pressed. Dog will eat dog, anything smaller, less cunning, injured...The time for the survival of the fittest is nigh.

Hark..I hear the bell tolling! Nope it's just the pinger on me microwave oven, telling me the pizza baguette is ready.