Philosophy of The Big Society

David Cameron gets to be God!

Saturday, 27 November 2010 low can you go?

Title just popped into my head so I put it up.

Arrrrrgh! Have had few weeks of depression, mixed with cold virus symptoms that seemed to keep appearing and disappearing (no obvious reason, migraines etc. Midweek had this freaky manic up thing. I don't much like that either. Is not euphoric or care free. It is a bit wild and lary and not easy to control. In between all this had impulses in middle of night to go walkies. All except one night, at Craig's, managed to curb it. That night I was wandering around early hours, trying to find my friend's house. Fekk knows why? Didn't really want to wake her up. I tried buzzing one door spooked and walked off. Thanks to another friend being on end of phone, and them talking sense to me, called a taxi and went home.

Since then, I haven't had one good night's sleep. I am sure there are insomniacs out there that would think me a lucky bitch for getting any good night's sleep...but, usually aided by loz, I can zonk through a night, no sweat.

Well, don't know about other people with Bi-polar but if I don't get proper sleep, I start getting iller and that is what has been happening.

I am drained all day and want to sleep ...or not feel so drained!!! At night, I am wide awake. Mostly contemplating running away. I used to do that sort of thing when younger, without any contemplation. It was a more care free state of being then. Now, I just feel total entrapment....bit like sitting in some metaphorical cell (real enough to me) on death row, waiting to be sent into the gas chamber.

Normally for me it is 3-4 bad days and a 3-4 coping days (coping and doing positive in things I enjoy) I enjoy very little any day. Even chocolate doesn't touch me. I know, it must be serious!!!

The only real difference a day brings is some new physical ailment to be dealing with. I know depression and physical illness go together. Immune system gets wham'od and the viruses send a round robin to all their pals.

Even my care co-ordinator coming up trumps wasn't enough to lift me any higher than level of coffee table. He bought round a file load of paperwork (yak) but it was relevant. Certainly the proposal for continued Direct Payment. I actually hugged him and told him I was bowled over by it, cos, from where I sat, it all looked in order and relevant to my needs. One less thing to fret about. Okay, so next stage the All Powerful Panel Meeting...and I am not expecting anything so if they say "No go" it will be no surprise. If they say "Yes" it will mean something positive but right now am too low to appreciate it. Thought of going outside...even just to local shops freaking me out and Craig is having to accompany me to see Dad because I feel like I am going to collapse all the time, or bawl or make a twat of meself in front of other vulnerable people who would be shaken and stirred up if I do.

Every winter it's bad...I am not sure if it is worse this year...last year I had been fighting 2 year battle with services to give Dad proper support. Culminating in his suicide attempt, 3 month stay in acute care and finally transferred to the care home, which he is now settled nicely into and making progress. I don't use the word recovery. It isn't is some sort of coming back out of his that he is safe, he is 're-becoming' (to a certain extent) Dad I knew, again.

I think it must be a case of every winter is bad...and every winter I am older..and every year one load of crap gets replaced with another load of crap. Scary times do not make for settled, calm and collected Bi-polars. Well, not this one, for sure.

Plus gotta cancel my respite care cos there is no one to look after Suki Cat and Suki Cat is too old, too frail and too set in her ways to be stuck in a cattery.

Know I said it hundreds of times but I wish I was a bear...and I could find a big tree (with big enough hole) for me to curl up in, hibernate and awake in spring. Sure there will still be crap to be dealing with but there will be sun and flowers, blossoming trees and lighter days. 4 months...right now that is too long, by 3 months and 31 days!!!!!!!


  1. Hi Mandy :)
    It is I, Kim, from Facebook.

    I am so glad to've come across your blog.
    I am sending you a nice warm hug from California USA!
    I love the way you write.
    You really paint a picture with your words.
    I hope you don't mind if I hang about the blog and read a bit :)

  2. Thanks for visiting my blog. I haven't been about here for a while. Sometimes, I trough to point where words seem futile.

    Visited your blog too. Good stuff.

    Hugs to you in California from not so sunny Dunny (Dunstable) xx

  3. Thank you for the comment it inspires me alot. i havent been as actie with my blog and i felt that not many were reading it anymore. but im glad that some people still are.i remember i started my blog to help people, so that if i ever did recover every step of my way would be on here. and i could see how i recovered.

  4. Dear FR

    Am glad if it helped in some way. I try to be as sensitive to other people's problems and issues as I can but I wear size 15 clown boots:>) and sometimes say something really lame.

    You are young and I really believe that acts in your favour. May come across as patronising but when I was younger I had an energy that often carried me through. Now I am a knackered out old fart. Ha!

    I hope you can connect into/with people of similar age, experiences, interests and even to provide some fun elements into your life. Yes, having fun is allowed (whatever bah humbugs might say otherwise).

    Take care and thanks for dropping by. x