Philosophy of The Big Society

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Saturday, 17 January 2009

Meanwhile back in Blogland..or not as the case has been

Have not been on for a few days. It wasn't so much a deliberate act of separation so much as things going on outside of it that I got wrapped up in and then, at the end of the day, being too pooped out to write.

Been a mixed bag of nuts. Wednesday night was a kind of replay of shxt hitting fan with Dr J. He has been dominated by paranoia encouraged by 4 litre bottles of cider. I was on the butt end of this and he kicked me out of his flat whilst shouting obsenities at me. All because I agreed to dog sit for a friend the next day. I have long learnt that my involvement with anything to do with anyone else gets him on one and decided that I had to make a choice 1) be controlled by him 2)have a life outside of him. I used to think I could combine a life outside of him with a life with him (although that needed me to compartmentalise) but for him that is not enough.

So I rang a taxi (whilst pacing around in the cold, trying not to look like a sad lonely, vulnerable, woman) and went home. Not long before I got a was the usual on the lines of "I am sorry but it was all your fault". I didn't have much to say except "Leave me alone". Then came the text "I have taken an overdose". I called an ambulance and passed on the address. Got another text saying he had refused to let them in and taken another overdose. By this time, I had had enough. It is horrid that people take overdoses, that they feel that is the only option but it is also horrid to do things like that to manipulate other people. I have known Dr J for 11 years (I know stupid bitch or what?) and I am long past being driven frantic with worry by him).

He he always does. Maybe one time he won't. Maybe one time he will take too much of a risk with himself but I do think that is his choice. Not mine.

I am not answing his calls because there are patterns of behaviour, in both of us, that I need to work on. Well, my own. I can't do anything about his.

Some good news is that Dad had a couple of, in his words, "Better days". I have spent quite a bit of time with him. Seen him everyday since Tuesday. He even went to get me some ciggies cos the dog I was looking after is too old to be taken walkies in places she doesn't know and left tied to a railing, outside shops.

Last night Em, her fella and I went for a fish and chip supper at his place. Dad said he was slumping again and was worried about that. Me too, but I didn't tell him that, I said "We have to take life one day at a time". I reckon if he gets some good days and some slumps that is better than a year of slumping or in the inertia of continual depression.

And now it is the weekend. I have been quite busy this week..and when not busy been demanded am rather tired. If I can get my arse in gear, I am going to stay at a friend's tonight. Although I am thinking that going back to bed for a few hours and then carrying on trying to get my house in order, later, would be good. On a mini quest to tidy the place up have cleared out my wardrobe and kept clothes that I do still wear..rather than ones that have been hanging around waiting for the right moment to wear. The front room and kitchen need some more serious attention although I have dusted and had a bit of a clear out there too.

For now, I can put things on hold and snuggle back under the duvet. Will endeavour to catch up with other blogs over the weekend.


  1. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks. I'm so sorry you've had to put up with that sort of behaviour from Dr J. And you are quite right to believe it is his risk, no one is forcing this action upon him, sad as it may be. Well done for not answering his calls and trying to break the pattern. **sighs** many many sighs for messed up people. Enjoy your duvet, that's where I have ended up too!

    Lola x

  2. I know Lola

    If I had a pound for every **sigh** I would be loaded!

    I crawled out of me pit around 11 or there abouts. Since then have felt yukky. I think it is another dose of post-dealing with stuff exhaustion.

    Also am in anti social mode. I haven't the energy to get to friend's house and think I will plod about home or slob out on sofa watching dvds.

    Hope you got to relax under your duvet x

  3. Hi Mandy
    What can I say about Dr J that's not already been said. I can;t comment on the OD'ing pot and kettle and all that. But it seems he uses this as a tool to manipulate and get what he wants - something I have or would never do. One day it will backfire and leave him hospitalised or dead, I hope he knows that.

    11 years, you have some patience.!!

    Snuggling down with films and duvet sounds good. Will do that when little one in bed. Have bought mamma mia- a feel good movie I think.

    Take care
    Lareve x

  4. Hi Lareve

    Maybe I have patience..often I am too shell shocked for much of anything.

    And is not a straight line 11 years but more offs than ons.

    I watched "The Boyfriend" (Ken Russell version) earlier. That was pretty surreal and then "While You Were Sleeping" which is one of those sloppy films but one of the better ones. There's something about Bill Pulman...something bloke next door sexy although why he ever agreed to star in that Jasper - Friendly Ghost film is beyond me.

    Enjoy Mamma Mia..and tell me what you think of a singing Pierce Brosnan :>)