Philosophy of The Big Society

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Monday, 4 May 2009

Excommunications ..and other things to do with relationships

Have been away in the Hinterlands with myself. Actually thought I was making some progress in the earlier part of the week and I reckon if a medical personage had seen me they would say that I have been. Managed to curb Loz use (although is another on going battle), got out everyday for walkies and started to make tracks towards promoting cards and sussing out craft fairs.

Midweek it all went a bit boobs akimbo. Dr J's birthday was Wednesday and although I thought he might be spending it down the pub, had hoped that it would go relatively okayish..his end. Was not to be. His relationship with his family has always been strained (there is a history of child abuse that has left him scarred and his family in denial). Such is the problem with 'times of celebration', they often rake up the past and rather than celebrating, people (me for sure) find themselves swamped by those things that hurt the most. Dr J, gutted that his folks didn't send him a card went into a downward spiral and when his father turned up with 2 bottles of cider and a tenner the next day, it was too late for him.

From where I was standing (too close for comfort and too distant to provide any real comfort), I thought it was better that he accepted the offerings rather than let his emotions take over (and that is because, ultimately, it is he who gets hurt) but that is always much easier said than done (especially when it isn't about me)..certainly when I said "At least they actually bothered to give you something" he lost it with me and accused me of being on their side. If anything, I despise them for what they did to him as a child and how they refuse to take any responsibility for that...but it isn't about me. I thought about saying "I am actually trying to help you deal with it in the here and now" but knew anything I said would be wrong. So I shut up and listened to him raging. I stopped listening Friday, when was clear that there was a cycle of hurt, anger, hurt that I wasn't part of and was perpetuating itself. I do understand is much easier to rage at someone (other than the people who are responsible)but I also understand that if you can't do something about it then is best not to pretend you can.

The outcome of this latest sorry saga (and acid phone calls and texts back and forth) is that his father has disowned him (for the squillionth time) which means his family have disowned him because they are all scared to death of the man. Yep, is despicable behaviour...and Dr J didn't help himself by giving his father ammunition but some people don't need ammo..they are arseholes anyway!!!

The problem solver in me says "Fekk em" because he is better off without them..only when you are severed from your family there isn't always much else to rely on particularly if you are a person who struggles with social situations and is paranoid to the max around other people. Some people learn social skills, some people do it because it becomes the only way to survive outside of your family (or is a natural development from being in a supportive family) and some people are so damaged that they can't because their family has been their safety net and destruction at the same time.

For sure...there must be a better way but that would involve some heavy 'family' realisation/counselling that I doubt Dr J's father would volunteer for. Is all about the lightbulb wanting to change because it realises it was faulty in the first place!!!! And I sense the counselling should have happened way back. Perhaps it is never too late but I think this might only be resolved with an ending to a high drama relationship film where the father is on his dying bed apologising (making his peace so he gets to heaven). Is it cruel of me to want it to be happening now? yep it is, but I have no care for his father. Maybe the bloke is sick...but I don't think so. Some people are fundamentally vicious and controlling.

It got me to thinking about me...and being the half militant/half soft arse I am and whether my behaviour damages my relationships with people. The answer is yes but my situation is very different to Dr J's. My family has disintegrated and I see it as my job (in the absence of) to try and hold what's left of it together...whilst all the time trying to hold me together. Is tricky stuff and maybe medication can partly help in that (or therapy) but I have to say I seriously doubt it. Some things take much more than medication and talking to make okay. Some things you just have to endure.

And so is bank holiday Monday. Just snother day for me and am hoping the forecasted rain stays away because I want to be out in the garden with my book. As a byline, the book is called 'December' and is superb. Is about a family (Dad, Mum and Daughter - who has stopped speaking) who are fighting to hold each other together, at the same time as trying to hold on to themselves. Perhaps is not so dissimilar to some of what I feel but the writer is gifted in getting into each individual's psyche so I empathise with all the characters and not just one.


  1. "half militant/half soft arse" - I like that. Take care Mandy, D x

  2. Hi Mandy
    What you say about Dr J's family very much resembles one of my friend's situations.Her father was an absolute git and he died suddenly.She was releived he'd gone and so where her family if they admitted it.It didn't stop her hating him .He was a real nasty sod who'd threatened both her and her Mum with a shot gun, just for going around someone elses house.He really was controlling and messed with head throughout most of her childhood.
    Anyhoo that's enough from me !
    Love Sis x

  3. Relieved someone likes it, D

    I spend too much time being one when I maybe should be more of the other and vice versa. Still, we are what we are!!!

    Today I totally lost it in Dad's CPA review meeting. I had to leave the room because, I couldn't take any more.

    After the meeting Dad's Social Worker type person came over and offered me a ciggy and said "Why are you breaking your heart?". If the answer wasn't obvious, I didn't feel like telling the life story from since Mum got al and then she said "If we are not careful it will be you who is having the breakdown".

    Is a bit too late for that.

    I breakdown I try and mend myself and I break down again. That is how it goes.

    So at present am more soft arse than half militant.

    You take care there too x

  4. Hi Sis

    If Dr J's Dad died suddenly I go and dance on his grave!!!!

    I would have to do it on the QT because I think his death would actually rake up even more stuff within the family. The guilt in his mother for not protecting her first born son and daughter (mixed with whatever kind of loss of the bastard she married). I can sort of understand women tolerating taking a constant beating (well...put it this way..more than them allowing their children to take constant beatings and sometimes being party to that too).

    Also there is a divide between the 2 eldest offspring (of which Dr J is one) and the next 3... in age and how they have been treated.

    Is a dynamic I can only handle by staying the hell away from it.

    Dr J has vowed not to talk to his family ever again and that is in spite of his mother's texting him to tell him she loves him.

    I don't blame him for that but wonder how long he will hold out. Is easy to stand by decisions like that for a while (not just because they are morally right either) but family pulls can play heavy on the heart.

    I try to keep out of it...because what is said one minute can change the next. All I have said is that I don't want anything more to do with the family. I have enough to be dealing with, with my own.

    And I consider myself lucky that for all the pain (and it is very painful) both my parents loved me and Dad still does in his own way.

    With a child dying every week in this country of neglect and abuse...that is food for thought.

    Hugs to you xxx