Philosophy of The Big Society

David Cameron gets to be God!

Wednesday, 18 March 2009

Just looking, not buying

Due to some internal conflicts and general debilitation (aggrevated by demands that I have felt unable to say "No" to and needing to get things done, which has proved complex because my support worker has gone missing in non desire to blog has been hammered.

Been a case of fear and loathing in Dunstable.

So when I have been on blogland it has been to venture to other blogs. Sometimes that is healthy because it can stop introspection, that "Why me" self indulgance and can even add some jollity into the day (Dr Rant, on a good day, is hilarious although they can be a bit dictatorial in their views). Other times it can be reason to bang my head against wall in frustration that others seem to be doing so well, reinforcing what a waste of air I am, or it can piss me off because there are those who would dictate the way forward for the rest. Like there is any absolute in dealing with mental illness. My arse!

Today, I ventured to Abysmal's blog (amongst others). Can't say I am glowing with the joys of spring but, for whatever reason, it made me laugh. Laugh at the futility of it all, maybe. Not sure, but sometimes stark realities help, in some wharped way, to deal with all the variables (of the illness as much as other people who I am in direct contact with).

Fekk me, sometimes I prattle on. Sometimes the prattling leads somewhere useful. More often than not, and certainly as I have realised I am older and more tired, it serves little purpose but to while away time.

I used to watch the semi-intellectual debating programmes (late night jobbies) with gusto...thinking that there was an ultimate logic to it all. Now I realise is people liking the sound of their own egos. A crime I am just as guilty of..only these days my ego spends most of its time being totally confused by most things.

And whilst on the subject of variables.....have meeting with shrinky person tomorrow. Sort of instigated by me, in that I haven't been coping at all well and things have got worse. Care co-ordinator thinks meds are the answer and I am open enough to discuss options (such as they are) with the prescriber. The list of medicines the care co-ordinator promised to send me, ended up at the local sorting office because they hadn't paid enough postage. It cost me £1.06p to receive a statement of what Bipolar is (like I didn't know that) and 3 medications which are the offical meds for the illness: Lithium, Sodium Volporate, Carbomazepene..another list of anti-pyschotics, the main one being Olanzapine and a lealfet on Venlofaxene.


Have tried Volporate and Carbomazepene. Wouldn't try the Volporate again as it sent my blood pressure through the ceiling. the Carbomazepene made me feel sleepy the first time I tried it but I managed to stay relatively well for 6 months (came off it because had to go back to work, which meant getting up early in the morning and being compus at work... and the second time I was put on it, the more I took the more drunk I felt. I won't touch Olanzapine but, and this is where I start getting the heebies, might try Lithium. Only because I am so bloody desperate and not because I genuinely believe it will help..but it might??????

One thing I have to do, which I have rightly been reminded about (by someone who genuinely cares) is that I need to get them boundaires back in place. I too quickly allow people to take over my space and their needs become more paramount to mine. As example someone texted me 10 times on Monday, and although I understand people need others who they can turn to, getting a text in the middle of the night saying "If I die tonight it will be due to the medication" is not condusive to holding any safe ground in myself. I think people are so needy and because their needs aren' being met by services (or other more able people) they will turn to people, like me, who aren't necessarily equipped or stable enough to give them the help they need but know the score and can empathise in some way. Sad really.

Anyway, people will keep waving and drowning. Of that I am sure.

Dad's care assessment took place Monday. Outcomes, if what was agreed is put in place, are that he will get a carer going in, at tea time to make him a snack, warm drink and do a few bits around his home. He also agreed to have the modern day version of meals on wheels. A hot dinner and pud (for £3 a day). That covers the eating front and maybe daily contact with a carer will mean some conversation and help with the isolation. However, his continual falling over was not addressed and I worry about that. Still, is some progress and I asked for follow up reviews to see how it pans out and if it doesn't pan out too good (as in Dad remains 'incapacitated') then residential care needs to be sought. Dad seems to be coming round to the idea that residential care is best for him. Time will tell.

And now back to me and today I will be mostly dossing.


  1. Bah, sorry things have got no better Mandy. Maybe Meds are a good option to explore? Although I'm playing devils advocate after bawling my eyes out on My Mum's shoulder for 4 hours this afternoon whilst spluttering "I'm never going back on those sodding drugs again, never, never i tell you!" But in all sense, sometimes they can be a good thing. Hope it turns into promising option for you.

    Not good to hear about your support being taken advantage of, sounds a little too much to have to cope with if you are struggling yourself. Stay safe, fit your own oxygen mask first, then help others.

    Lola x

  2. Hi Lola

    I think, things haven't got any better because I was already at the end of my tether months back and is only now services are looking, with any real agreement to do things, at Dad's care needs.

    Sorry you had a shite day but bawling is healthy. Not saying that continual bawling is good..although better than internalising it all and it errupts in other (neggy and dangerous) forms. Sometimes, well quite often, I am feeling it all like metal wire and electricty continually circulating and the negative stuff bubbling ever up to boiling point and when I cry..well the relief is pretty immense. Maybe it goes away too soon but while it is there it is like something massive eases.

    My wish is what you wish for, for yourself. In that, you don't need the sodding drugs anymore. I wish I didn't but I sense that without something (that hopefully will prove to have more positive side effects than negative ones) I could end up doing something bad to myself and i want a fighting chance..with semi decent odds.

    Seeing my Support Worker in the not too distant future and on a more regular basis will help too.

    And on the looking after self front. I cancelled something I agreed to do today, so that I could get my space back and veg out. The plus was that I didn't feel a heel for doing so because I knew I needed the space.

    Normally I guilt myself out and that becomes another hammer for the falling.

    You take care there too and am glad your Mum was on hand with shoulder for you to cry on.

  3. Hi Mandy, sorry if it all seems a morass. Thanks for the compliment - I write for a whole host of selfish reasons, and one of the biggest is simply that if something I've written cheers someone up, then it's worth it.

    Support, etc - you do what you can when you can, and make damn sure you stop when you can't - or before you can't ideally. It's hard though.

    Metal wire and electricity. Yep - know that too damn well.

    Oh well - I'm just rambling on again. Take care eh, hope you find something one of these days that helps you feel better. I feel 'better' at the moment, but in so far as I refuse to think about being ill, up, down or sideways. Perhaps I've given up and am just trying to learn to live with myself on a practical level, not my ideal level?

    Oh well, take care again etc, yours D x

  4. Hi D

    Want to apologise for calling you 'A' on your blog. Don't know where that came from.

    I used to write alot - poetry- (some would say alot of rubbish Ha!) but I haven't felt the inclination for ages. I used to do it for mostly selfish reasons and I think most art is done like that and actually should be. Someone should write things that are relevant and interesting to them...and if others find it relevant and interesting that is a bonus.

    I don't think that makes writing narcisstic (or any other form of art). Is more a personal thing than that. Heaven knows why I wrote that but it came out so there you are. :>)

    If you wrote that poem on your page...well, quite blown away by it. I thought it had been written in the 18th century (or thereabouts).

    I wouldn't even know what a stanza is but it sounds clever. I used to write, again mostly, in a rythmic way. Cos that is how it sounded in my head.

    If you like, one day I'll send you one of my poems as long as you take it at face value rather than look at the appropriateness of structure. For me it is all about feelings and situations.

    Hope your state of feeling better for whatever reasons continues


  5. Ha no I didn't write that! Far too good for the likes of me!

    Yeah, would love to read one of yours.

    Have I given you the link to mine? D x

  6. Hi D

    Thanks for the link. Will check your poems out soon. Have been a bit lapse getting gack to people because things have got busy again. Naughty Mandy (boundaries!).

    Off to visit Mum's plot today and needing to doss out at some point but will deffo give them a read. Will also hunt out a couple of mine and send them through.