Philosophy of The Big Society

David Cameron gets to be God!

Monday, 9 March 2009

It all comes down to staying power

I have dropped another half a loz to deal with the squiffy eyes. Am getting cycles of migraines again...and have clocked that there is a link with lozees. In sense that if I try and leave it too long before taking one, that triggers a migraine too. Whoopie! Another added bonus.

Whilst semi offering me something that could amount to nothing, the kindly MH people who saw me Friday told me that Lorazepam is not the answer!!!!!Yep, as in if there were other answers then the lorazepam wouldn't be the answer. If Dad was getting care then I wouldn't either be at home, for whatever reason going more insane or with him going more insane.

Anyway before I rant on about how sweet but ineffectual MH staff are (well some are sweet), causing those working in services to become more affronted by my blatant disregard of how much effort they put in (that is those who are actually trying to do their job properly) and those with MH problems \9who think the sun shines out of the arses of the MH services) to become more affronted by my insistance that 'treading water' is the name of the game. Hell, why the fekk should that matter? Is not like I am going for patient of the year award.

And bless their hearts, friends are now reminding me how ill Dad is...or how much of an emotional drain he is on them too and how he must go into residential care....Cheers.

Unemotively, I can see that everyone (including me) is playing pass the parcel with Dad. I don't expect anyone (who hasn't got a professional responsiblity) for Dad to do anything but if they can't do anything, I would rather they would not do anything and then I wouldn't keep having to get negatively reinforced about how useless a daughter I am and that he is beyond them. Is worse that MH services are making it very clear that they are playing pass the parcel and that the parcel is ultimately back in my lap.

My MP's contribution to all this is to forward my letters, along with his questions as to how things can be resolved, to an acting CEO..whom I am not sure exists and certinly acts like he doesn't. I think he is hiding behind his finger and hoping no-one spots him.

perhaps I need to justify why I am an active participant in this pass the parcel game. Well, let us take Saturday as an example. My friend, the one who does offer practical support has a duff back, which quite possibly needs an operation, so I went round to Dad's with lunch. I was worried he wasn't going to eat..which seems to be a regular occurance....was there half hour and got a migraine. Ended up having to take a tablet and then getting strung out and taking a loz because Dad can't cope with himself let alone someone with a migraine.

People who have had breakdowns will clock that I am too fucked to be providing care because my illness seems to be spreading like a cancer through my psyche and pouring out through my body. And yep, I am fighting the paranoia and self destruction as best as I can..and still trying... but am severly blotting my copy book by failing. No gold star for me then. Get the Dunce Hat out.

The month is nearly up and, as expected, (although would much rather have been pleasantly surprised) nothing has been forthcoming in regards to additional support. And so am going to make an appointment to see the MP. Quite how I am going to manage to hold myself together to get there, or whilst I am there, is another matter.

I have asked a friend (a friend with varied experience in MH field and qualification enough cred wise- in the eyes of those who like qualifications) to be there with me. They have kindly agreed. They will be acting as MH advocate. More because everytime I wonder where this is going I freak out and although will be seen as a drama queen..can sense that I am heading towards something horrific. I am trying to avoid suicide - as anyone who thinks/hopes there is more to life than despair would but by fuck endless nothing feels like a better option than endless cycling into more despair.

I am fighting for something more than horror. I just can't see where it is.

Perhaps I need to apologise for any sensitivities I have rubbed up the wrong way but ultimately what point a blog if the blogger can't write it how they feel, think, see it?

and I used to think it was sad that people committed suicide but maybe it isn't so sad. Maybe it is release and maybe I am trying to find reasons to talk myself either into or out of suicide. ?????????? That buck deffo stops with me.


  1. Endless cycling is better than endless nothing - believe me.

    It will pass, I promise.

    Take care Mandy, get in touch if you need an ear, D x

  2. 'and I used to think it was sad that people committed suicide but maybe it isn't so sad. Maybe it is release and maybe I am trying to find reasons to talk myself either into or out of suicide. ?????????? That buck deffo stops with me.'

    Mandy - please ring me if you need to. I would miss you greatly if you weren;t there. But, I am not goign to amke the decision for you. I don't think suicide is an easy way out or weak but sometimes the only exit door showing in a pitch black room. Hold on hun, for your friends, and Em and those you continue to inspire (like me),

  3. Hi D

    I would believe you...if you knew better and no disrespect intended but how can anyone know that endless nothing is better than endless cycling (into despair)?

    Endless cycling ...per say..going up and down..well you get the ups with that and I remember the ups and alot of them were good or at least better than the opposite.

    Am in a calmer place now. Thanks to 2 lorazepam and also a conversationw with one of Dad's MH Team. The only member of that team who I think is putting in the hours and giving Dad all they are able to in regards to care. Someone, whom I believe actually does care.

    Needless to say, them having spoken to other teams, there is no room at the Inn..In fact, there isn't an Inn!!!

    We are both of the opinion now that he needs constant care. Due to the dizzyness and falling over that is happening to him (frequently) addition to continued depression and anxiety, isolation, disorientation and lack of proper nutrition.

    They are to be talking to another member of the team - Someone with medals and a larger salary - about a social care assessment but that is all possibly, maybe, dunno's. Have said I will leave writing till MP tomorrow, as they have promised to get back to me and then I will ask for this meeting to prompt some real action in regards to permanent care.

    Last week, my care co-ordinator asked how I would feel if Dad went into care. Would I feel guilty? The answer is "Not any more". I am acutely aware that I am of little use to him and that in residential care, his falling over will be monitored..more so, there will be someone there to help him up or call for additional medical support and hopefully provide some other support too.

    I will actually be relieved, if he goes into care, that he is safe, and more likely to eat and interact. Now I just fret all the time to no avail.

    Anyway, sorry to have prattled on and thanks for the offer of your ear. I might well hunt it out..the ear, that is. x

  4. Hi Lareve

    I will ring you. Know you have stuff going on, so not sure when.

    Am actually avoiding the phone because when I answer it, I get alot of incoming that i can't do anything about.

    Although am not a mega Stephen Fry fan these days (QI is still Quite Interesting, to me) and hang me for my sin of not being bowled over by his massive wit and intelligence but I remember him saying something about telephones being like babies. That constant ringing that is demanding attention. I get that one - BIG TIME!

    for me it is a case of getting to a point where everything becomes senseless noise.

    The sedation and the quiet, for now, is doing me just fine.

    Catch up soon xx

  5. Thinking of you, Mandy. I have no answers, no solutions, but you are in my thoughts.

  6. Yes, I was being glib, but it was with the very best intentions behind it. I really don't think it's possible to compare 'something' with 'nothing' - I think the categories are mutually incomprehensible.

    But I have a sneaking suspicion that at the very bottom of the cycle of despair lies the home of 'endless nothing'. So... ever the optimist.

    Why am I optimistic? Ha! You've seen the alternative. I'm optimistic even when I'm the very last thing but. Just as a mannerism. A habit. It's a front, a piece of fakery, a syndrome, something that skates me over the thin ice for long enough. I could carry on and on in this vein, but I'm sure you know the tired old bit of advice that underlies it all... Yep. When you feel shit, procrastinate and then some. Maybe one day I'll trip over and go head first through the ice and that will be that, but it won't be for lack of cultivating my annoyingly positive habits.

    I hope things look up for you soon my dear, D x

  7. Hi Manders,

    Hope the incoming lessens up a bit and you're able to reach a more bearable equillibrium this week. Not entirely convinced that the eternal void is any worse than struggling with mortality at exhausted broken spirited animal level either but having a gallows sense of humour seems to help or at least it helps me anyway as I'm like fucking Bambi out there on the thin ice and I've just given up trying to do the Torvill and Dean bit ...besides I'd never squeeze into the lycra one piece trouser suit now ....

  8. Thanks C

    I'm kind of trying to get to the point where it doesn't matter what the answer is...if that makes any sense. :>)

    I've taken no chances today. Woke around 3 am and dropped the quarter of a loz had on the shelf and then took another half when I woke up again at 7. Perhaps, for now, the practical answer is keeping topped up on loz and not allowing the gremlins to crawl all over me.

    You popping by and rooting for me helps does others who care.

    Take care xx

  9. Well D

    You carry on with them annoyingly positive habits. They aren't doing me any harm and ...actually...even if it is jiggery pokery, flaky fakery or puppy uppy is all fine by me.

    I'm not qutie ready for pouting some plastic fantastic but am managing the odd earnest smile. Does that count?

    (Winks and moves on) x

  10. Norm

    Bring on the gallows humour, mate.

    As for the opportunity of seeing you on the ice in some flourescent lycra...I would pay to see that.

    I know, cruel bitch or what? x