The jumble sale that is my brain and things being what they are

Slumping and thumping is too simplistic a term for where I am at but is close enough.

The infernal fight with the self/selves to make sense of it all (external and internal madness)...and to carry on living with it. Takes it out of a person. Namely me!!!!

I haven't been posting much because it takes such an effort and uses energy that is better used surviving.

The one shining moment in an otherwise frustrating week was going back to the zoo. Comparing that day to this, well I don't know how I managed it but it was an uppy day. I saw Azizah and her remaining offspring. Sadly, 2 of the baby elephants died recently due to a virus.

VIRUSES. All I have to write about them is ARRRRGH!

My heart lifted because they were playing together, locking trunks and Euan (her son) kept nudging her up to the BTM. Teasing her and they would then have another round of nudging and fussing each other. I was so pleased that their grief had been replaced by the joy of being together. Today, that is making me cry a bit because when I look at Dad and me there is no human equivalent of trunk locking. But, the brutal reality is things are what they are and although it hurts like hell, all I can do is try to live through this.

Anyway, there is too much grief and often I can no longer see it for what it is because am busy with the business of existing (sometimes never really sure why).

Another mega moment at the zoo was feeding the rhinos. That was a first for me and what a first. My friend has a friend who looks after them and I got to stroke them and feed them bananas (which they accepting with gusto). Was blown away by the fact that these powerful creatures were comfortable with me and vise versa. I know they are captive. Am not that muppety but still they didn't have to let me fuss them. The baby actually talked away to me in rhino talk. Think that translated to "Ere missus give us some more of them yummy yellow things".

So that was the highlight of my week.

The rest of it has been pretty grim. My new acting care co-ordinator wants me to focus on one thing ...a mini goal... to achieve. Totally get why she is doing it. I know target setting of old. Only every time I try to focus...I get a rush of too much of everything demanding attention. I am finding it impossible to focus on one thing that doesn't come attached to lots of other things. Ho hum.

The Labrynthitis (if that is what it actually is) is adding another layer of useless articles into the jumble and making lone trips to the shop difficult. Have managed it..just the once but was petrified. I can never tell when the dizzy spells are going to come but they are deffo much worse when stress levels are rising. Catch 22s abound.

Paranoia has also been prevalent. After the event...the event of tying myself up in conspiracy theory knots, I can see it for what it is but during...well during I have thought that a friend was trying to poison me, that government agency spies have been parked up the road monitoring me and checking my phone calls and that my father is doing what he does to deliberately drive me to kill myself because secretly he hates me so much. At one point I thought there was some master-plan with everyone involved to make my life so unbareable I couldn't carry on living BUT it is me. I just can't cope and I have to try. It is that simple and that complex.

The let out clause is going to see the extremely sympathetic (with hands tied behind his back) shrink tomorrow and accepting Lithium. Only it doesn't seem much of a let out clause to me. More another load of toxins to send what little of my brain isn't twisted into a heavily drunken state of detachment....my capacity to logic retracts whilst my midrif expands. Doesn't seem like a fair deal to me but I don't think there is one to be had. You take the meds and the side effects (and hope upon hope there are some positive ones in there) or you don't and carry on with the chaos that you know (which is apt to be your destruction anyway).

ending on some kind of pozzie. I checked my answerphone. Have been avoiding the phone (part of conspiracy theory) and got a message from ex care co-ordinator. A very honest description of how things are for her in her new job plus her wishes that my will keeps me going and that she was missing me. Missing me. Hmmm. I was touched by that. I am touched by anyone who shows something like real care or interest in me. Particulary as I struggle to find anything worth hanging onto in here.

Okay so it's a gloomy post (with intermittent sunny spells) but if i am going to write. Make the effort...it has to be about how it really is.

Oh there is another pozzie. The chap I knew from respite care who had gone missing, was found by the police in another county. Officials are putting it down to him not taking his medication. Yes, quite possibly and the fact that nobody was giving much of a stuff about him till he disappeared. He is safe for the time being and that is something.

And just because I am paranoid it doesn't mean there aren't iffy things going on . Orwell wasn't so far out when he wrote 1984. The public gets what it tolerates.