The reluctant prostitute

Bare with me here cos am just thinking aloud.

I don't like sex. Maybe that is shocking to read> Maybe that sets me apart from most of the rest of the species but it is fact.

I find it uncomfortable, complicated and frustrating.

I am a sexual being and I understand how to make the best of myself....usually for myself as well as the people I am going to be around. Viz a vie a night out.

However, sexual acts, with others, I view as purely perfunctory...mostly to keep the peace and am internally breathing a sigh of relief when the act itself is over although...it warrants a bit more acting afterwards....again to keep the peace.

I don't know exactly why. It doesn't go with 'Bipolar' territory. Or so I have been told. I wouldn't actually know...because I only know a handful of people who have bipolar disorder and they are alot more sexually active than I am (if their words are to be believed). I can't talk about other people's sex lives or drives with any certainty..cos I am not them and don't live their lives.

Some people might think "Why is she writing this and why now?" Weeeeeeelll...was having conversation with a friend and they were talking about a theorist called Simone Weil. A woman who, again by all known accounts, had no interest in sex.

I said..something like "I can relate to this woman" although I know little of anything else about her but am going to find out. She interests me enough to start reading up.

For me it is not that I have no interest in sex or sex drive (erratic as it may be)...I just find the pre-conceptions, expectations, possible demands, assumptions that go with sexual relations (and based on most previous experiences of sex...lots of mess for not much pleasure) put me off before I even start to feel horny.

The rare times I have enjoyed it, have tended to be because it was more impulsuve, most probably more base animal than anything. Allowing me some freedom that I feel I don't have when it is part of a 'relationship'.

Perhaps, it is something to do with my illness but I think it is more to do with me....things that have happened in my life. Not just sexual but 'relationship' wise and the sort of person I am.

In spite of being 'the spikey fridge' around the sexual act, I crave affection. I would say I need affection but because I get so little and am still alive, assume it is more hunger. I see affection and sex as 2 separate entities. I totally get that it is possible for the 2 to be combined but I have to say, again due to my experiences, usually sex is one thing and affection is the missing link.

Hmmmm....I don't see myself as needing or wanting therapy to get to the bottom of this and make me a 'normal' sexually functioning person.

I do get really pissed off with myself at times for having sex when I don't want it (that is because I am in some kind of relationship and appreciate the other person's need for sex) but it is a type of compromise that I am prepared to compromise on. That sounds sad and it is for both of us...but don't be telling me to "Come out of the closet" with the boyfriend. It ain't that simple. If it was, I would have come out of the cloest years ago!!!!

But oh for some affection....there is something that reinforces the positive, a sense of worthiness, an acceptance of my being (as an individual)without demanding something else and a sharing with another person, something warm and comforting, which is pleasureable to me (and hopefully to them) on the rare occasion it happens.

Ho hum. Maybe, I should be bawling my eyes out here. I think I used to...and then think I should be in therapy to be "normalised". I spent years thinking I was a freak.

Now I know I am freaky...but it is Mandy Freakyness...I am more accepting.

I really do wish things were different or I could meet someone who has similar feelings and wouldn't be expecting certain performances but I don't think life works like that. I am a little too leftfield and is hard enough trying to find someone who accepts me (the bipolar thing mostly..well and my attitude problem) let alone doesn't want to paw all over me for self gratification.

Yeah! I know I am warped but sex is very important to most people. It just isn't to me. I much prefer a good read of a book, half decent DVD to watch and big box of choccies.

C'est ma vie.

Deprived of Dunstable....Desperately seeking affection...well not that desperately but could sure do with some!!!!!!!!!!!

A game of little consononts..or maybe big ones

Yes, folks, Ms Vordeman may have left the building but it doesn't mean the fun and games have to end.

Think of your favourite or actually any MH related word (or sets of) that you can fit into 9 letters (jumbled them up) and put them up in the comments box.

Let the lurkers have a field day with their gray matter. Ha! Ha!

Here's another mix to get you started:

ZENZOBZUB

Techy problems and divine intervention...I think not!!!

Everytime I try and access this site via 'itsallabouttheprophets' route, I get a message warning me that the site isn't certified....even if it's owner is certifiable.

I actually tried the 'Google' search engine route and it bought up a link to a Catholic church site called the same. Actually, not really that surprised but was the best laugh I have had, so far, today.

Haven't foggiest how to resolve issue so am going to google the other title, which brings me straight here.

Not that I have much to write so heading off now.

And who will care for our young?

Was touched by communications from a teenager, who is struggling with their illness, with no support from services (due to their age.

Having spent years..mostly in vain...trying to work with services but occasionally making some progress in them working for me....and,hopefully, putting positive suggestions into the equation (maybe they are totally ignored as the steamroller rolls ever onwards but some of us have to try)

Anyway...the reason for this post is that I am quite appalled that young people (those under 16) are excluded from care support...or so it seems..and would welcome suggestions on how young people who are in crisis, suffering mental distress and are swamped by this world can get help.

Are there networks, already out there, that they can join?

Are there phone support lines available?

Are there any kinds of therapy that are out there and can be accessible to them?

And a biggie....any suggestions on coping skills, things that have helped other young people to work their way through. This could be through personal experiences or from knowing someone who has/is suffering as a young person and has found positive ways of coping.

If anyone can offer advise or wishes to share their experiences on any of the above, please do post in the comment box.

TY

A voice of reason.... beyond the brain washed

http://www.zenasylum.com/

It's a matter of choice. Ha! Ha!

Long term Lethargy and other legacies of love and brain function gone a bit weird

Haven't posted for maybe too long and maybe not long enough...dependant on whose reading and where their morals or whose light beam they are caught up in. As it is actually down to me, am posting now.

All that glimmers is most deffo not gold!!!! That statement is not as random as it appears. The truth of the matter is it doesn't matter how much you try and cover up the smell, shit still smells of shit!!!!

Captain Non-Sensible's Log Stardate today:

After a fractious couple of weeks due to uncertainty of being able to get access to a lawyer, it now seems that I will be going to the old smoke (thanks to friend who has car and has been kind enough to offer to take me) to meet with said lawyer and the 'list of concerns' that I think need addressing in regards father's needs and mine.

In the meantime...due to personal flaking...another friend is acting as interim representative and has made contact with MP. I feel I can longer communicate with Trust management because it has all been 'verbal' on their part. Have had fekk all in writing about anything from Dad's care, to the post suicide attempt report, to what care plan has been put in place for him or who is actually taking responsibility for what, where, when and how. No, I am not surprised...simply worn out.

The Direct Payment which I was asked to open a separate bank account for back in December has not materialised. I have been 'verbally' informed, the paperwork has been sitting in some Social Services Administrator's in tray since January.

I have been told many things that have added up to nothing more than me still chasing tails and trying to sort things that are really beyond me.

The only way forward for me is to have a lawyer who, I am hoping, will get written agreements with timescales as well as looking back over the past chaotic few years and make sense enough out of it to guide me through..in line with whatever the law has to say about it all.

There is a view, one that I have shared, that the law is an ass but I hope this particular lawyer is not one (ass) and some justice will be served.

What I have actually wanted was for those who are paid to take responsiblity to do just that and for several members of BLPT (particularly Dad's CMHT..who have been lazy, evasive and if not actually being so, have behaved like they haven't the wits to understand what action has been needed and when).

I don't like the fact it has come to this because I could do without the aggro (I could have done without it since January 08)and have done my bit to lead a quieter, less confrontational life, of late, but that does not make up for a Trust and now Social Services, that, for whatever are only consistent in being inconsistent in the delivery of their services.

And that is very much that!!!!!