When the going stays tough ....

Bit of a weird one yesterday. Well, as the day went on.

Am waking up, already with the knowledge that things are not anywhere near okay but somehow muddling through till about lunchtime...without any lorazepam. That in itself is no small achievement.

However, that is when the withdrawal symptoms kick in and I am not in a strong enough position to work through them. Will I ever be? Most probably not but dealing with each day best as I can is good as it gets here.

Was so happy to see Em and her fella but things were not okay there. Basically I think Em was knackered out from 4 full on days at work (slotting in Uni homework and making time for the man). One of those days where it was all coming in on her. I felt like the umpire between her and the man. My loyalty is to Em (always) but I also felt a need for objectivity..to keep some kind of balance in amongst the ratting that was going on.

Ended up with tears in her bedroom and I basically told her it was okay to feel shit when you feel shit. Like who am I to say that really when my everyday state veers towards shit or is shit from the start? But I am her Mum and I can see how dealing with different responsiblities and relationships clash (or more she is time managing herself into a corner) and I know her. Ultimately plenty of hugs were given, whilst I listened to her and understood. She was tired out. Alls well that ends well. As in the fella and her ended up holding hands and I said that she needed to let it all go for the night and agreements were made that the fella would let her do that without demands. He is very easy going so I didn't really need to say that but it was a reassurance all round thing.

In between this had call from Dad. I think he was in a state and trying to be brave. I know that place (it is an old stoic friend who isn't always that reliable). He says he is suffering bad stomach pains and we spoke about his medication and he had taken himself of the Quetiapin. I advised that coming straight off it could cause more problems and that, if it was me, I would cut down to half and see how that felt. That was agreed. He then wanted to talk to Em. Which he did but when he was back on the phone to me he cried. My heart went out to him. He was saying he was a useless father. I was saying "No way" and that he is (and always has been) a mega important in my life. I told him to ring me, if things didn't improve or got worse.

He didn't so later I rang, to check how his tummy was. It had settled a bit but he was still very tearful. We talked a while and afterwards I started getting a migraine. The third in as many days. Yep, pretty evident it was stress related but that doesn't make it go away.

Stayed at friend's and have decided, whilst lying in bed contemplating, that I am going to ask him to move in with me. He might be too proud. He might think he will be a burden but I think it would be better if he was here. Is not like him living apart makes me fret any less. In fact maybe more.

Here, he has company. I ain't exactly 'buddy of the year' but I love him and here he won't be alone.

Seeing him later and will take it from there.