Have been reading the blog of a younger person, who is struggling with themselves. I tried to write something relevant but in the end I thought "Shut the fuck up Mandy".
I do remember my late teens. It was a time of emotional surging and my reactions to that were mostly reckless and feckless.
The positive aspect of my late teens was the amount of energy I had. I could run around quite a bit, zonk a bit, but be up and about running around again. Okay with no particular direction but I could vent things in a more physical way then. I could party hard and I did.
These days getting out of bed seems to zap most of my energy and from then on it is a struggle to stay upright and doing.
I feel very old. I feel like I am a geriatric looking back on my life and realising that it was brutally painful and I seek the happy memories...only I can't find them. They are so distant.
People keep telling me I am still a young woman. 45 (in general terms) isn't young but it isn't old either. 45 means nothing to me. How I feel reflects how I am.
Another thing people keep telling me is that I am depressed. I get that but there is depression and depression. As in sometimes I know I am depressed and that is very foul ...now what I feel is thoroughly knackered out. It is like beyond depression.
If I could get what I wanted, it would be to be placed in a coma for a few weeks, maybe a month. No kidding. Being is exhausted....wherever I am when I am being. The act of being, in itself, is too much. Both on mental and physical levels. Even typing this is taking great effort. My body wants to stop and do nothing.
I am even asking myself why I am bothering to type and the answer is I don't really know. It is how it is...that is all.
So when I read the posting, I was sort of jealous (of not being young anymore) because at least when I was younger I was driven and had the energy to keep driving. Now, I can't find the energy to open the door to get in the car.... Let alone start the ignition and try and find an appropriate gear.
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Hugs. I know something of the feeling you describe. The way everything seems too hard is very familiar at the moment.
ReplyDeleteBe gentle with yourself is all I can recommend. Wish I had some bettter ideas.
Thanks C
ReplyDeleteAm going gently.
After 14 hours with lorazepam thought it best to take some. At least a fair bit of mental anxt has dissolved into "whatever-ness" and with that some of the physical pain has gone.
I feel quite flu-ish. As in another one flu over the cuckoo's nest.
But I have come across something. Thanks to another gem of a vid sent through to me...it led me to the one I am going to put up.
Rather flattering take on George Bush wouldn't you say?