Jumble Sales for Brains and Plenty of Tat Donated by Services

Have already taken 3 quarters of loz this morning and still veering towards hyperventilation, so dropping the other quarter pending...something.

Sure this is going to be one of those rambly postings but so what eh? Is not like I need to get it into any particular format to pass an exam or get extra Brownie points.

Highly wired up over Dad. I sense MH services have given up on him and I feel like I am drowning in the horrors of our joint history.

Dilemmas abound. Not just with my brain trying to get some level in order for me to get through today but trying to get some place where I don't have to fret the fekk over him. that I can let go a bit because there is some semblance of support that will ease his distress.

Wrote to a friend, and then was prompted to revisit that from a memory posting on another blog, about what I call Selective Memory Recall. As in the memory blocking stuff. Weird thing is it is blocking any good stuff and recalling all the pain. Must be histrionic me doing the drama queen bit. Whatever it is soul destroying!

The letter from the MH Trust Director did nothing to reassure me, although sure they tried...or maybe just tried to cover their own arses (like they do). All it basically said was they shared my concerns and were going to talk to people about them. I know any positive movement is slow in the NHS but BLPT have had years to get something right and yet they keep getting things so very WRONG!

Am furious over my care co-ordinator because I feel like she is treating me like some muppet who needs to be given leaflets about my illness and problem solving tasks in the shape of writing what my problems are and the possible answers. DOH!

The major problem is actually more to do with services leaving my father to fester, taking large amounts of medication that are dangerous (in regards to him falling over). Granted he can ask for help but he isn't. I don't know why but I feel that there is a level of capacity in him missing that the MH services need to acknowledge. Basically Dad and me are passing our mental illness back and forth to each other, either directly or indirectly and that is not right...not at all.

Another problem is that there is no one else either family of friends willing and able to offer practial or emotional help makes the situation even more intolerable for the both of us. How does my care co-ordinator think I can solve that? Conjure up some pretend family and social network from the eye of toad and tail of newt (and a bunch of herbs)?

Basically what the care co-ordinator was saying was "I can offer you basic stuff that you could easily access on the internet (and have been given several times before) but after that you are on your own". Cheers matey!

To say I feel despondant is an understatement and I have a meds review to arrange with my GP, where they will question my lorazepam use and I will tell them it is either lorazepam or you will have me swinging, from the neck!

All pressures and no let out clause. Well there is one..but am not quite at that point yet!!!!