Relationships ...

Was going to take time out from blogging. Mostly because when life seems rather stagnant, then writing that seems irrelevant. However, have spent most of my down time contemplating relationships.

I know they are often difficult to sustain for people who don't have MH problems but for me (as a bona fide loon) they are erratic at best of times.

A couple of things have been going on that have made me revisit my concerns over relationships. That is on top of the weird depressive/stressy cycle that is the relationship I have with my Dad.

One of my neighbours has spent big chunks of this week moving stuff out. The marriage that seemed to be full of love's gold dream has withered under the pressure of real life. I don't know too much of what has gone on but I think the lack of additions to the family was the biggest nail in the coffin. I won't go into the affects that wanting children and not being able to have them have on the female psyche. Cos I think they are too obvious. I think it is sad and also sad that what I saw in the couple 5 years ago (love and hope) has changed so drastically. Life does have a way of reminding us that however safe you feel you are never really safe.

The other thing is to do with a relationship I have been party to for nearly 11 years now. Where does the time go? (Down a black hole).

It is not, and never was, love's gold dream. I think it was more a case of need and some sense of belonging in a world where neither of us felt we belonged. Also when we first met, things were different. I was the strong one. I nurtured and was much more comfortable with the compulsive caring aspect of my nature. I was also working and felt more part of some kind of normal existance.

That is not to say that there's no love (make that care), only I don't really believe that love is all that anyway. Mostly love has brutalised me. Those I have loved the most have been taken from me through illness..theirs and mine....or death. That is another life lesson I have learnt the hard way.

We have had more crisis, because of who we are as individuals, than I have time to write about and they have become suicidal again. This is where I look like the bastard in all this. I am so weary of trying to find believable reasons to give them for carrying on. I am so weary of us. I am as much to blame for the rut but it is true, well for us, that 2 people in pretty much continual states of despair do not a healthy relationship make.

I do blame MH services, at least in part, because their role in this has been to tell us we shouldn't be together, whilst offering minimul support or to view us as making our own beds and leaving us to it when we are struggling the most. In fact, I mostly agree that we shouldn't be together. Only because of the lack of real support one of us ends of picking up the pieces of where the other is at.

The bottom line for me is that I am beyond caring in many ways. Years of co-nursing Mum, whilst being a mum (at best part time) to be left supporting a Dad who was pretty much done in by his years of caring for Mum to lose her..and on and on that pain seems to go. I feel enough is enough!!!!

i don't want anyone to kill themselves, far from it but I can't be anyone's reason to exist or the one who carries them through, anymore.

My reason for living, ultimately, is because I am alive. Rather crass but true.

So getting back to the title....Relationships, I find them incredibly demanding and demanding of me things that are either long buried (and at present have no desire to dig up) or simply too much.

Sure this has been a disjointed, rambly, post but it is a reflection of where I am at. It doesn't get any better or worse than that.