Thanks to Norm for caring enough to listen to my terrorised warblings in the early hours.
My friend's Mum is being cremated today. I had gone into strident mode. Was going to walk to friend's house and from there join her and her family and go to the service. I felt okay about it, was wanting to be there for her..would say the normal response to situation but last night was like melt down.
Ms Strident can be really handy. Not that I have much control over her. She takes over whenever she takes over and most probably because she has to.
Having spoken to Norm, and felt I could muddle through another night, I dropped a lorazepam and fell into sleep. Woke up (as is the case) quite groggy but Strident was there, demanding I washed my hair, sorted out what I thought was an appropriate outfit to wear,busying myself trying to organise myself and then I thought about the crematorium, a freezing cold January, the droning words of the vicar, Dad's empty body sitting next to me and Mum's coffin slowly rolling behind the curtains. Shouting my final "Goodbye".
I am so fucking sick of saying "Goodbye"...of loss.
I feel an utter shit for not being there for my friend. I rang her. Of course, she was fine about it. She even said that it most probably reminds me too much of Mum's funeral and that she knows I am ill. She made a point of saying I must get to Craig's and stay safe. I bawled. Because she was so understanding (on such a day) and because I am so useless.
It isn't all about Mum's death though. It is about losing both parents at the same time. Of not being able to share my grief with my Dad...because he was gone away himself.
I have a daughter of nearly 22 and I feel like a child. A frightened child.
Yeah, I have fought, over and over for my Dad and my own survival and I managed to get my daughter through her GCSE's and A Levels ..... and maybe I will fight some more. It isn't easy though. Being mostly alone, being targetted (although i don't take that personally..I know there are many of us that will be targetted..we are surplus to requirement).
Patient Guard, this mutt is dog tired of fighting and grieving and needs to sleep.
Thursday, 28 October 2010
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
From Dawn Willis to Zen Asylum.and back to Tommy.Gotta ask ourselves where the seeds of discrimation are sown and spread like a disease
Apologies for anyone who has already read my comment on Zen Asylum's thread but felt it important to repost here:
Reminds me of what local Mind did to my friend Tommy. He liked to dress in unconventional (challenging for the 'normalists') ways.
On several occasions he was taken for quiet chats with the user group manager (who was paid for with Mind coffers) and ultimtely he was forced to leave as they made it intolerable for him to stay within the group.
I had long since left the service user group, by this time, because I realised that Mind were actually in cahoots with MH services and the Department of Health spin rather than actively making themselves a democratic voice for local service users.
After, or maybe as part of a manic episode, which ended with Tommy going into acute care, being pumped with drugs and not being allowed to wear clothes he liked..he was sent home with minimul support from services (or anyone actually) and hung himself.
The last I saw of Tommy was in the acute unit, when my Dad was in there, and he told me he was on Olanzapine and doing okay. I asked him to take care and wished him the best. F'ing futile on my part.
All I remember is thinking "why isn't he wearing the clothes he likes?".His best friend later told me the acute unit staff refused to let him. There were a fair few organisations refusing to let Tommy be.
Another example of how diabolical charities are is: after the funeral service, Mind had organised for people who attended the day cente (run by them) to go for a drink. Tommy's best friend was not invited, even though he was a regular visitor to the day centre.
If that is charity then they can stick it where the sun don't shine!!!!
Reminds me of what local Mind did to my friend Tommy. He liked to dress in unconventional (challenging for the 'normalists') ways.
On several occasions he was taken for quiet chats with the user group manager (who was paid for with Mind coffers) and ultimtely he was forced to leave as they made it intolerable for him to stay within the group.
I had long since left the service user group, by this time, because I realised that Mind were actually in cahoots with MH services and the Department of Health spin rather than actively making themselves a democratic voice for local service users.
After, or maybe as part of a manic episode, which ended with Tommy going into acute care, being pumped with drugs and not being allowed to wear clothes he liked..he was sent home with minimul support from services (or anyone actually) and hung himself.
The last I saw of Tommy was in the acute unit, when my Dad was in there, and he told me he was on Olanzapine and doing okay. I asked him to take care and wished him the best. F'ing futile on my part.
All I remember is thinking "why isn't he wearing the clothes he likes?".His best friend later told me the acute unit staff refused to let him. There were a fair few organisations refusing to let Tommy be.
Another example of how diabolical charities are is: after the funeral service, Mind had organised for people who attended the day cente (run by them) to go for a drink. Tommy's best friend was not invited, even though he was a regular visitor to the day centre.
If that is charity then they can stick it where the sun don't shine!!!!
Monday, 25 October 2010
Connecting into Pro-Action and not just Reaction
I had closed my blog down to comments. Not going into details about why (some things are far more important than that). However, I am allowing comments because I want to connect with people who are worried about Welfare Reform, the future of disabled people and to share information in regards to protests and action that can be taken.
Due to my illness, I won't be able to get to many of the protests but hope that by connecting to other people, I will be able to get to some or pass information on. Whatever I can do, really.
If anyone else is going to the November conference, from the Bedfordshire area, please let me know. I can't afford £30+ pounds in public transport costs but am happy to contribute towards petrol.
Due to my illness, I won't be able to get to many of the protests but hope that by connecting to other people, I will be able to get to some or pass information on. Whatever I can do, really.
If anyone else is going to the November conference, from the Bedfordshire area, please let me know. I can't afford £30+ pounds in public transport costs but am happy to contribute towards petrol.
A coalition against cuts
The Coalition of Resistance Conference should be pretty good I think and it is only £3 for unemployed. If you sign up with them they send you news about what they are doing. They are on Facebook as well:
Coalition of Resistance Against Cuts & Privatisation | Newsletter 6 | October 24
Coalition of Resistance Conference | 27 November | London
Conference Registration
Name
Address - Email
The conference is filling up and it is important for people to book places now. We have managed to aquire extra space for the conference and there will be a wide range of workshops and plenary sessions.
One of the largest will be on organising against the cuts in your locality and we will be hearing from many of the new anti-cuts groups springing up around the country. Also there will be sessions on defending the welfare state, working with the unions, states of inequality, analysing the crisis and debating the alternatives and many others. A full list of speakers and sessions will be sent out shortly.
How you can help
We have just acquired some office space and are asking for volunteers to help us build the conference and help with the website. Please contact us if you can spare some time.
Please send us a small donation. We have a paypal facility on the website or just send a cheque made out to the 'Coalition of Resistance' to our address. Any money received will help us develop the campaign.
Join your local anti-cuts group and please send our website reports and photos of all your activity. If you need help setting up a group in your area please contact us and we will try and put you into contact with others close to you.
Andrew Burgin
07939 242229
http://www.coalitionofresistance.org.uk/
Coalition of Resistance Against Cuts & Privatisation | Newsletter 6 | October 24
Coalition of Resistance Conference | 27 November | London
Conference Registration
Name
Address - Email
The conference is filling up and it is important for people to book places now. We have managed to aquire extra space for the conference and there will be a wide range of workshops and plenary sessions.
One of the largest will be on organising against the cuts in your locality and we will be hearing from many of the new anti-cuts groups springing up around the country. Also there will be sessions on defending the welfare state, working with the unions, states of inequality, analysing the crisis and debating the alternatives and many others. A full list of speakers and sessions will be sent out shortly.
How you can help
We have just acquired some office space and are asking for volunteers to help us build the conference and help with the website. Please contact us if you can spare some time.
Please send us a small donation. We have a paypal facility on the website or just send a cheque made out to the 'Coalition of Resistance' to our address. Any money received will help us develop the campaign.
Join your local anti-cuts group and please send our website reports and photos of all your activity. If you need help setting up a group in your area please contact us and we will try and put you into contact with others close to you.
Andrew Burgin
07939 242229
http://www.coalitionofresistance.org.uk/
Saturday, 23 October 2010
I want to take action but where is the coalition of disabled people?
If one more person tells me not to worry cos it might never happen I will scream (again)!!!!
Maybe some people's way of coping with the inevitable is not to think about it. If you are a person that thinks (deeply) about things how can you not think about what is happening? This is all about deliberate homicide by neglect. Calculated and merciless!
Disabled people do not count, unless they can work and even if they can Britain is a country in industrial decline....the competition for what jobs are out there is high and unless the Government intends to positively discriminate, I can't see how disabled people with the ability to work (who aren't already working) are going to be 'accommodated'. And for those of us who can't work in mainstream.....there is no flexibility to work within the limitations of our illnesses. But let us be clear, the Government has no intention of supporting people with mental illness to work and I mean those with severe mental illnesses. I don't think that was the intention of the previous government either. When I spoke at their party conference about welfare reform and the disabled....and the possibility of flexible work options...I was looked at as if I had come from another planet.
It was all about recovery and that meant within specific deadlines set by the Government. It is slighly heartening to see that those who were actually part of the sub groups (ex NIMHE) are now contradicting themselves and saying 'it was all spin and no substance'. That is now the money has run out for them and they are forced to deal with the reality some of us have been living with since we can remember. However, it's too little too late. They were happy to buy into the spin when they were rewarded. Such is human nature and there will be those who will survive the culling by latching onto something, possibly government driven or by a middle class clique that intends to make itself 'the voice of the subclassed'...but I know how these things work. It's survival of the fittest and so the fittest will do alright out of it, whilst the least able get ignored.
I see some organised protests and wish I could be part of them. I just can't get to them. As ever, the more able are there, or disabled people who have those who support them to get there, whilst the least able and most isolated are left outside of things.
It would be something to see a coalition of disabled people, supported by the more able, protesting at what is to come. Sadly we haven't got the strength and against a political system that is hell bent on eradication, our time is running out.
Maybe some people's way of coping with the inevitable is not to think about it. If you are a person that thinks (deeply) about things how can you not think about what is happening? This is all about deliberate homicide by neglect. Calculated and merciless!
Disabled people do not count, unless they can work and even if they can Britain is a country in industrial decline....the competition for what jobs are out there is high and unless the Government intends to positively discriminate, I can't see how disabled people with the ability to work (who aren't already working) are going to be 'accommodated'. And for those of us who can't work in mainstream.....there is no flexibility to work within the limitations of our illnesses. But let us be clear, the Government has no intention of supporting people with mental illness to work and I mean those with severe mental illnesses. I don't think that was the intention of the previous government either. When I spoke at their party conference about welfare reform and the disabled....and the possibility of flexible work options...I was looked at as if I had come from another planet.
It was all about recovery and that meant within specific deadlines set by the Government. It is slighly heartening to see that those who were actually part of the sub groups (ex NIMHE) are now contradicting themselves and saying 'it was all spin and no substance'. That is now the money has run out for them and they are forced to deal with the reality some of us have been living with since we can remember. However, it's too little too late. They were happy to buy into the spin when they were rewarded. Such is human nature and there will be those who will survive the culling by latching onto something, possibly government driven or by a middle class clique that intends to make itself 'the voice of the subclassed'...but I know how these things work. It's survival of the fittest and so the fittest will do alright out of it, whilst the least able get ignored.
I see some organised protests and wish I could be part of them. I just can't get to them. As ever, the more able are there, or disabled people who have those who support them to get there, whilst the least able and most isolated are left outside of things.
It would be something to see a coalition of disabled people, supported by the more able, protesting at what is to come. Sadly we haven't got the strength and against a political system that is hell bent on eradication, our time is running out.
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Universal and then the much more personal bleugh stuff
Have ventured further out into blogland, tonight. Haven't done much of that lately. Call it paranoia/neurosis/cowardice but sometimes I need to keep enough of myself for myself to keep going, without the graters and haters on my case.
Well, I ventured to a site which watches what government funded return to work organisations are up to. Not sure they have been up to much post new government. All charities and projects waiting around to see how political land lies before they try and stake their claim. Back to the plot (mine such as). It's talking about the 'Universal Benefit'.
Dare those of us with mental illness speak about it? In this climate of micro living, for fear of discussing anything of real importance. Well, I dare...cos there is much to lose and fekk all to gain. That is if I am picking up the media hype correctly.
One benefit for everyone on benefits. I can see how people might see that as fair. People without disabilities, who don't live alone and have a more conventional family or extended family network cushioning/supporting/whatevering that is positive. Note to others who have never had conventional families...I am not quite sure what a conventional family means but I like the idea of it in the fluffy sense..and would like to be part of one. Maybe I need to put myself up for adoption.
Looking at what would be worst case scenario for me but most probably financially best option for government, is this going to be based on the lowest financial denominator. I mean....a weekly income of round £50 to live on? If so, it won't be long before I lose my home (marbles having been well and truly lost before hand).
This may sound like melodramatics but I think I will be looking for the opt out clause in life. I don't expect this to sway anyone's opinion. It will just be a reality for me that I won't cope with bills (I can't pay) or what might become the luxury of deciding what days to eat on. Ho hum.
What will be, will be and I may not be when what will be is!
I had previously toyed with (then shelved) a posting about what constitutes self harm. Which may or may not have proved interesting. It came about after a discussion I had with my 'phone a friend'. Have been suffering with ear ache, more itching and swooshing in ears which then seemed to spread into my jaw. Had been mostly neurotic..trying to work out what it might be...swaying between infection and cancer but 'logic' got the better of me and thought infection most likely. Anyway, sort of mid conversation it struck me...what it was and also reminded me that my memory can be very selective. Have had pretty rancid couple of weeks, fighting, mostly, losing battle with depression..but putting up one heck of a fight. Somewhere in the middle of last week I got to the angry and frustrated with self stage and punched both cheeks with my fists..and then promptly forgot I did it. May sound bollocks but that is how it was...and it was the conversation with friend that triggered something in my memory.
After that, decided best not go to GPs. What's to say, without ringing alarm bells? "I inadvertantly punched my cheeks so hard one has swollen up?" or be honest and then get that look from them..the one that means they want you out of their surgery as soon as. I certainly don't need to have 'Self Harms' as another tick on my care co-ordinator's check list. I don't consider it habitual. I have done this sort of thing before but not often. It just got to that point..the point where I did it and wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I think if I had done a post on self harm..I would have been seen as 'lame'. Actually, calling it self harm...even though my jaw is refusing to move that much and hurting like fuck when I force it to. Another daft cow moment.....payback in neurosis too high!
The final bleugh stuff..the bleughest of all for me, right this minute, is it feels like winter already. I always get the dreads around October time..followed by traditional (having never come to terms with) winter doldrums......but it seems worse this year. All the rain and the rain and then the rain. Sometimes, I like rain. Summer rain...on brave days walk about in it.......but this is dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting rain.
Then again these are dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting times. Could be personal...could be more general. That is how I am feeling it.
Well, I ventured to a site which watches what government funded return to work organisations are up to. Not sure they have been up to much post new government. All charities and projects waiting around to see how political land lies before they try and stake their claim. Back to the plot (mine such as). It's talking about the 'Universal Benefit'.
Dare those of us with mental illness speak about it? In this climate of micro living, for fear of discussing anything of real importance. Well, I dare...cos there is much to lose and fekk all to gain. That is if I am picking up the media hype correctly.
One benefit for everyone on benefits. I can see how people might see that as fair. People without disabilities, who don't live alone and have a more conventional family or extended family network cushioning/supporting/whatevering that is positive. Note to others who have never had conventional families...I am not quite sure what a conventional family means but I like the idea of it in the fluffy sense..and would like to be part of one. Maybe I need to put myself up for adoption.
Looking at what would be worst case scenario for me but most probably financially best option for government, is this going to be based on the lowest financial denominator. I mean....a weekly income of round £50 to live on? If so, it won't be long before I lose my home (marbles having been well and truly lost before hand).
This may sound like melodramatics but I think I will be looking for the opt out clause in life. I don't expect this to sway anyone's opinion. It will just be a reality for me that I won't cope with bills (I can't pay) or what might become the luxury of deciding what days to eat on. Ho hum.
What will be, will be and I may not be when what will be is!
I had previously toyed with (then shelved) a posting about what constitutes self harm. Which may or may not have proved interesting. It came about after a discussion I had with my 'phone a friend'. Have been suffering with ear ache, more itching and swooshing in ears which then seemed to spread into my jaw. Had been mostly neurotic..trying to work out what it might be...swaying between infection and cancer but 'logic' got the better of me and thought infection most likely. Anyway, sort of mid conversation it struck me...what it was and also reminded me that my memory can be very selective. Have had pretty rancid couple of weeks, fighting, mostly, losing battle with depression..but putting up one heck of a fight. Somewhere in the middle of last week I got to the angry and frustrated with self stage and punched both cheeks with my fists..and then promptly forgot I did it. May sound bollocks but that is how it was...and it was the conversation with friend that triggered something in my memory.
After that, decided best not go to GPs. What's to say, without ringing alarm bells? "I inadvertantly punched my cheeks so hard one has swollen up?" or be honest and then get that look from them..the one that means they want you out of their surgery as soon as. I certainly don't need to have 'Self Harms' as another tick on my care co-ordinator's check list. I don't consider it habitual. I have done this sort of thing before but not often. It just got to that point..the point where I did it and wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I think if I had done a post on self harm..I would have been seen as 'lame'. Actually, calling it self harm...even though my jaw is refusing to move that much and hurting like fuck when I force it to. Another daft cow moment.....payback in neurosis too high!
The final bleugh stuff..the bleughest of all for me, right this minute, is it feels like winter already. I always get the dreads around October time..followed by traditional (having never come to terms with) winter doldrums......but it seems worse this year. All the rain and the rain and then the rain. Sometimes, I like rain. Summer rain...on brave days walk about in it.......but this is dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting rain.
Then again these are dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting times. Could be personal...could be more general. That is how I am feeling it.
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