Time Away and being a Passenger in my own life

Have been staying with friends in The Peak District.

Shows you how weird I have become because I thought (and not even sure why now) that I was staying in a croft in Cumbria. Anyway, by the by, was a restful weekend.

I explained, prior to going, that I was raw and wanted to mong out and that is pretty much what I did.

Having spoken with support worker last week and the conversation veering towards a possible stay in acute care, trying new meds....I needed to get away or that might have turned out to be a reality via a 3-5 hour wait at A&E although the thought of A&E sends me into a paranoid state..along with the experiences of previous stays. Crisis care is no longer an option...beds being needed for the acute ward etc etc blah dee blah.

It was a weird weekend for me. Friends were lovely. No pressure or demands, They fed me well, looked out for me and let me mong about but I felt like a passenger. Nothing to do with them actually. It was me. Is me.

The good thing was that there were no demands. They are pretty self sufficient people and although one of them has MH problems (more to do with brutal upbringing than anything else and not writing anymore than that because is private) they have a rare balance in their relationship where they play to each others' strengths and compliment each others' foibles. I was in awe of them. Being a person whose weaknesses tend to dominate my life and certainly not finding a place where my strengths seem to compliment anyone, it was nice to know that there are couples who 'get on' and without seeming to have to compromise much to do it.

I actually found the ease of being with them did help me to relax more although the dread of coming home was something else.

I spent the weekend eating alot, resting and going for the odd trip out to the shops for choccy.

I saw a bit of the Peak District. We went right into the heart of it to pick up their caravan (they were heading off to the South Coast) after dropping me home. Beautiful it is..the District and the caravan is pretty nifty too.

Have an open invite to go back there anytime. Which is one hell of an offer and considering I consider myself as much company as an exhibit at Tring museum, I think that is more a measure of their kindness than my value as a useful addition to any situation. They even offered to pick me up ont heir way back from their holiday. Should I need more time away from homestead.

I will go there again but am hoping that next time I am a bit more lively. I remember being a sparkle once. Someone that was fun to be around. Now I am the person trying to find a bolt hole in most situations.

Perhaps I have had a bit of a breakdown. perhaps I never actually recovered from my first breakdown. I dunno but I certainly find the sheer effort of existing so much more exhausting these days.

So, am back home. The time away did some good..if only to provide breathing space amongst people who didn't demand of me.

Time for a cuppa, a cig and the next stage of my continual breakdown!!!