Contemplating next steps for myself..whilst waiting for the Virgin Media Man to turn up and fix my knackered phone line.
I might try and place my mistrust of the NHS to one side and make an appointment with my GP and try another shrinky med. It will have to be done with caution..not just because of my low tolerance to meds but also because I am taking lorazepam..so it will need to be a medication that does not react negatively with benzos. In the longer term (if there is to be one) that will be with the hope of cutting down the benzos.Maybe this is all pie in the sky bollocks because I think I have tried most meds, with the exception of Olanzapine and Lithium. Of the two I am more likely to take Lithium than Olanzapine...because more evidence is being dug up that pharma companies buried trial results and whatever anyone says the medication piles the pounds on and does something to the body which leads to diabetes. Something to do with how the body breaks down glucose..or not! Anyway, it is an option. I might also re-try amytriptalene..even if I can't spell it. I was put on it in the past and it made me high but maybe a high that is more controllable is better than this constant, trudging through the mud and fighting off paranoia (which seems to be sneaking in all over the place and I find myself having to question judgements alot).
I fear the GP will say "You need to be referred back to the psychiatrist". I don't want to be referred back to them because of the conflict of interests and my total distrust of how they diagnoses patients (namely my father). Ho hum.
Sure I get that the biggest part of dealing with lunacy is down to the lunatic themselves and staying positive (in the pits of depression) helps but a person needs things to be positive in order to see them and build on them. I am still breathing, which ,I guess, is a positive although is debatable.
The fact I am writing with a level of coherence means i haven't completely lost the plot yet although 'losing the plot' goes in varying degrees and I know that big chunks of the plot are missing in me. Someone, in acute care, once questioned my illness reckoning I couldn't be ill because I was aware of how I was. At the time I thought they were right but anyone who blogs knows that you can be acutely aware of how wrong you feel and think and able to express that but it doesn't change how wrong you feel and think. Acts of expression do not mean you are recovered. Maybe they help in a process of some kind of recovery or getting back to coping but nobody knows the illness beter than the person that has it. I do believe that is the case for the majority of people who suffer mental illness. i don't think any professional has the capacity to see inside someone's psyche and suss it out. They just get the observer's view and if they are an astute and understanding observer, who gives enough time to a person, then they may well get enough of a picture to help.
Sadly, some professionals give people 20 minutes of their time and think they are in an expert position to diagnose and prescribe. That is nonsensical and some professionals write up diagnoses that contradict how the person is. Possibly because it suits the paperwork and manpower available rather than the needs of the person. Then again, I would say that and I would say that based on experience!!!
Whatever, it is Friday. My Care Co-ordinator is coming to see me. She might be able to offer some advice or practical support. Being as objective as I can about that.
Friend sent me though this video. Glad to see Depeche Mode still rallying on...having survived and still surviving their own dramas. I am on a one woman campaign for them to get a Brit Award and is not like I am the only one who thinks they are still relevant. This song is in the top five most downloaded tracks.
I read that The Cure got the equivalent of a 'services to the music industry' accolade at the NME awards. Good for them...although I prefer their early stuff.
Time for a tune:
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Manders,
ReplyDeleteFirstly , well done for continuing to somehow stay with it while being so depressed. You obviously shouldnt have to struggle like this on your own so I'm not complimenting you in a gung ho way I'm just acknowledging your day to day struggle with depression you are enduring a level and extent of depression most people on the planet have never experienced nor ever will.
Your comments about 'expression' being mistaken for wellbeing are also spot on and worthy of wider discussion as one of the remarkable things about depression , or some forms of it , is that it is incredibly focussed and has a 'rationale' of its own in which the world and other people are perceived by the depressed individual at their most impersonal , tragic and totally fucking brutal worst.
Perhaps depressed people see all life as it objectively is , pretty fucking bleak and meaningless unless and until the individual has the stength and ability to invest life with a sense of purpose.
Depression clearly robs people of the ability to self-generate purpose or even hope , depression strips them of the defensive armoury of personality and culture replacing them with a reality of the world and life totally devoid of the usual mostly healthily distracting cultural smoke and mirrors ,leaving people struggling with a bare grim reality in which nothing is positive and everything is dark, doomladen and in decay.
In a more compassionate world we would view signs of people experiencing life in this way - including how they expressed themselves in conversation - as a sign that they needed the help of the group for a while. We wouldnt just think ' Oh, this individual seems to have a deeply insightful and unrelenting grasp of the core horror of existence ,she must be perfectly ok '.
Thanks Norm
ReplyDeleteI know that you know where it's at and you know that you know that I know too.
Wider debates...your hopeful aren't you? Ha! Ha!
No let's keep it in the closet and wear our 'Recovered from the Wreckage' t shirts with pride.
I had a visit from care co-ordinator and another worker at Crombie House. Was informed that care co-ordinator has been in tears about me. Hell, she should have come straight over and we could have had a communal tooting session. Still, she cares and even if there is not much can be done is something more than heartless bureaucratic pap being spouted out.
I don't have to see the same shrink as Dad, so I am told. I can see another (who actually was the chap I saw when in crisis care last year). Am going to be sent a list of all appropriate meds to look at. Wonder if I can do a pick and mix :>)
The crisis care, such as it is, is being provided by friends and it is better than a slap in the face with a wet salmon.
Am trying to be 'sensible' with the lozees cos I sense they are aggrevating depression but have insisted I won't come straight off them and if I am 'forced' to do so they are likely to find me in the morgue. Think the message got across loud and clear.
Had a better day..in sense that Hayley came to make cards and we did and I managed to make us lunch without dropping it on the floor.
Although a couple of other friends have hit crisis. One rang me, last night, crying and asking for advice. How ironic life is. They have gone back on Olanzapine. I put my serious scepticism to one side and said on a low dose it shouldn't do much harm. They have also been trying to cut down on lozees but I said maybe they were cutting down too much too soon and to cut down by quarters. Whether that was wise or not is too tough a call. The only advice given them by their CMHT was to go to A&E or ring The Emergency Duty Team (who will also advise them to go to A&E). Bananas or what?
If I was half fit to travel and mentally/emotionally useful would have gone to stay with them but thankfully another friend was on hand and happy to stay over.
The acute unit is a definate "No no" as there is an investigation being carried out...instigated by the wife of the man who hung himself whilst he was in there. Considering my rising levels of paranoia...I would be thinking I was going to die in there and although there is a possibility I could take my life at home...is less likely. Well, at present time.
With MH staff the proof of the pudding is always when you have got to see the damn thing (rather than be shown pictures of what it might look like) but I think care co-ordinator will try..within a system being dismantled...to help.
And so having got through until now on one lozee, I consider have done okay.
Gonna doss in front of tv.
"you can be acutely aware of how wrong you feel and think and able to express that but it doesn't change how wrong you feel and think"
ReplyDeleteThis truism should be in every health professional's hanbook!
Back, and thinking of you. sending hugs (( )) Lareve x
ReplyDeleteThanks Robert
ReplyDeleteMind you if they had a handbook, would they bother to refer to it? Hmmm
After all they know best don't they? Who am I to question their expertise?
Like that is going to stop me. ha! ha!
Hi Lareve
ReplyDeleteWelcome back honey.
xx