It all comes down to staying power

I have dropped another half a loz to deal with the squiffy eyes. Am getting cycles of migraines again...and have clocked that there is a link with lozees. In sense that if I try and leave it too long before taking one, that triggers a migraine too. Whoopie! Another added bonus.

Whilst semi offering me something that could amount to nothing, the kindly MH people who saw me Friday told me that Lorazepam is not the answer!!!!!Yep, as in if there were other answers then the lorazepam wouldn't be the answer. If Dad was getting care then I wouldn't either be at home, for whatever reason going more insane or with him going more insane.

Anyway before I rant on about how sweet but ineffectual MH staff are (well some are sweet), causing those working in services to become more affronted by my blatant disregard of how much effort they put in (that is those who are actually trying to do their job properly) and those with MH problems \9who think the sun shines out of the arses of the MH services) to become more affronted by my insistance that 'treading water' is the name of the game. Hell, why the fekk should that matter? Is not like I am going for patient of the year award.

And bless their hearts, friends are now reminding me how ill Dad is...or how much of an emotional drain he is on them too and how he must go into residential care....Cheers.

Unemotively, I can see that everyone (including me) is playing pass the parcel with Dad. I don't expect anyone (who hasn't got a professional responsiblity) for Dad to do anything but if they can't do anything, I would rather they would not do anything and then I wouldn't keep having to get negatively reinforced about how useless a daughter I am and that he is beyond them. Is worse that MH services are making it very clear that they are playing pass the parcel and that the parcel is ultimately back in my lap.

My MP's contribution to all this is to forward my letters, along with his questions as to how things can be resolved, to an acting CEO..whom I am not sure exists and certinly acts like he doesn't. I think he is hiding behind his finger and hoping no-one spots him.

perhaps I need to justify why I am an active participant in this pass the parcel game. Well, let us take Saturday as an example. My friend, the one who does offer practical support has a duff back, which quite possibly needs an operation, so I went round to Dad's with lunch. I was worried he wasn't going to eat..which seems to be a regular occurance....was there half hour and got a migraine. Ended up having to take a tablet and then getting strung out and taking a loz because Dad can't cope with himself let alone someone with a migraine.

People who have had breakdowns will clock that I am too fucked to be providing care because my illness seems to be spreading like a cancer through my psyche and pouring out through my body. And yep, I am fighting the paranoia and self destruction as best as I can..and still trying... but am severly blotting my copy book by failing. No gold star for me then. Get the Dunce Hat out.

The month is nearly up and, as expected, (although would much rather have been pleasantly surprised) nothing has been forthcoming in regards to additional support. And so am going to make an appointment to see the MP. Quite how I am going to manage to hold myself together to get there, or whilst I am there, is another matter.

I have asked a friend (a friend with varied experience in MH field and qualification enough cred wise- in the eyes of those who like qualifications) to be there with me. They have kindly agreed. They will be acting as MH advocate. More because everytime I wonder where this is going I freak out and although will be seen as a drama queen..can sense that I am heading towards something horrific. I am trying to avoid suicide - as anyone who thinks/hopes there is more to life than despair would but by fuck endless nothing feels like a better option than endless cycling into more despair.

I am fighting for something more than horror. I just can't see where it is.

Perhaps I need to apologise for any sensitivities I have rubbed up the wrong way but ultimately what point a blog if the blogger can't write it how they feel, think, see it?

and I used to think it was sad that people committed suicide but maybe it isn't so sad. Maybe it is release and maybe I am trying to find reasons to talk myself either into or out of suicide. ?????????? That buck deffo stops with me.