Outcomes of Meeting and Falling Asleep At The Seams

I consider myself a very lucky lady indeed. I got 50 minutes of the psychiatrist's time. Not only that, as was the case when I was in crisis care last year, he listened to what I said and, more importantly, seemed to pay attention to my concerns.

Before the meeting with him, care co-ordinator and support worker (yes I finally got to see her), I was given a care review sheet by care-co-ordinator. Irritating things because most of it seemed inapplicable to me as it was about my carer (what carer?). I did tick the box to discuss my diagnosis. I didn't think that would hurt but is not like I am uncomfortable with my diagnosis just I am happy to review it and seek any further clarity when it is to be found. Anyway was onlyhalf way through completing it when was called into the meeting. Bit of a DOH moment! So we discussed my moods, how I have been feeling..then went on to my history of medications (and low tolerance with negative outcomes) and finally agreed that a low dose..lower even than the minimul prescriptive dose of Lithium should be started and to see how I get on with it.

I asked about side effects and interation with Lorazepam. Side effects, that shrink knows of can be: feeling flat, severe dry mouth and putting on weight although he told me that of all the bipolar meds Lithium is least likely to cause heavy weight gain. I asked about the longer term and he said it can mess up the thyroid. Hmmm.. As for interaction with Lozees, am more likely to feel drowy because both meds have that as side effect. Not the greatest place to be but as we discussed, I can't carry on feeling as bad as I have.

I did say that the continual frustrations and worry of Dad and waiting far too long for help to be put in place for him has severaly rocked my boat...I said that just in case the clinical side of things was being addressed at the expense of the social/relationship side.

Interesting that towards the end of the meeting support worker told me that she would no longer be able to see me every 2 weeks due to added case loads. I knew summat was up because I haven't seen her every week since before Christmas. I wasn't happy about it and said that in my care plan it is agreed that I see her twice a week. The shrink was on side and asked what could be done to ensure I see someone every week. As an interim measure I will see support worker one week and care co-ordinator the next and when the new care worker is in place they will alternate weeks with support worker. Am fine with that..that is as long as it happens.

And so I now have to go see nursey at GP practise to get baseline blood tests done and have an ECG and then I will be starting the Lithium. It is pretty freaky, more so because of my history on meds, but I have to keep that in the context of how crap I have felt and have some hope that it might alleviate some of the severer sides of my illness. Not that I get so manic these days cue 'Dubstar' but the depressive and paranoid side of the illness has been pretty pants to live with.

Am hoping that, now Dad has more care support being put in place, I won't feel so stressed and can re-focus on what I want to do and how I go about doing that without being swamped. Is that wishful thinking? Maybe.

Doing my bit..as in the personal pro-active stuff by getting out every day to the local shops and back (neurosis enducing as it is) and getting some sense of achievement from that. Am also trying to cut back on lozees, cut down by a quarter for a few days and now cutting down by a half. Is bit of bumpy ride but wanting to be on lower dose when I start Lithium as I don't want to be monged out all the time...or have a withdrawal plan forced on me. I hate being forced, or feeling forced, into doing anything.

Was a bit of a weirdy day, yesterday. Got back from one friend's house..by which time was needing space. Didn't get enough time to re-aclimatize myself before Hayley turned up for card making and in between got call from another friend about her meds. It went okay from there though because card making chills me out.

The really weirdy happenings kicked in later. Hayley was in a car crash on the way home. Thankfully, she is not badly injured (mostly shock) but her car is a write off. I talked to her whilst her hubby was outside gathering evidence. Sometimes, I can be quite calm and collected...which is bizarre because I am a highly neurotic and emotive person at heart. Well, then an ex, the one that gave me a nasty present, rang me to say he had a new girlfriend. Literally told me that and put the phone down. I have to ask "Why?". I can do bitter and twisted as good as the next one but for me ex's are very much in the past.Perhaps, that will be closure for him. I hope so because you have to let go (or be eaten up by stuff..stuff that you can well do without carrying around).

Em and her fella turned up. She was quite raw due to working additional hours at the pub, a group presentation at uni that went tits akimbo and assignments getting on top of her. So it was a hug in. We had a Maccy D's at Dad's and it didn't do him any harm to have to think about someone else's problems for a change. Because of his isolation, me thinks, he becomes totally obsessed and negatively so about himself. Not like he is alone in becoming like that (I am guilty of similar thought patterns)but it was good that he saw that others (of his flesh) have hard times and are fragile too. Ironically, he was rather upbeat...in between saying how difficult things are for him. Certainly the company was good for him and by the end of the evening we were all more upbeat.

Additional personal note: I got a beautiful card and a 'yummy mummy' nightie off Em for Mother's Day. Bless her. Lots of things I am but 'yummy mummy'Ha! ha!

And the second half of the blog title comes from the previous morning. Friend and me always struggle to get our heads in gear and when she said "We are falling asleep at the seams" that about summed it up for me.

This song is going round in my head and so it is my video of the day: