Pieces of me

Yesterday would have been Mum's birthday. Normally, on this day, I either go to plot and then come home and spend time pondering 'our stuff' or just stay home and ponder.

Was not to be! Dad was flapping about THE PHOTOCOPIED LETTER and what it meant so spoke to his care-coordinator about that. Seems he is being assessed by Older People's MH Team. I feel neither positive or negative about it. It may be an opportunity to get more care or just another round of passing the buck on. He feels the CMHT have given up on him. More likely there is nothing that they can or are willing to) offer him. Anyway....I sense Dad is playing more and more 'child' in order to try and get me to be 'mummy'. Wrong fucking day DAD! He told me he didn't think he would make it to GP appointment..even though I had done my bit to organise relevant parties to help him. I just said "Is up to you". Ultimately it is and then it is up to me to blank all the 'everything is hopeless, nobody cares' talk that he aims at me. Is not that I don't understand hopelessness or that nobody really does care that much but he expects me to fill all the gaps and somehow sprinke some magic hope dust in his life. Wrong fucking person DAD! And yes, I am trying to make it clear to him that I am the wrong person..he is just stuck in 'Save me Mummy mode".

Have written back to MP, basically to keep him in the communication cycle and also to let him know that I know that all that has been happening is bits of paper being pushed around. Well one of us is actually trying to get the MH Services to be more pro-active but the other is following protocols (one must be seen to be doing one's bit in the great bureaucracy). The MH Director was keen for MP to be kept out of the equation. Perhaps they are more wary of a Tory Government!!!!

I have agreed to a 3 month review period following new action plan (when it materialises) but have made it clear that if I feel things are 'slipping through nets' again and people are not forthcoming with support then the agreement, to wait for the 3 months to have passed, means very little to me and i will do as I see fit. Not that I expect that to make much difference but is not like I have any real power and is not like there is anything any one person can do against a service that is 99%not there when needed.

Anyway, today, I have taken phones out of sockets. Will be taking whatever amounts of sedation is necessary to block this all out and will reflect back on times when Mum and I were there, together and for each other.

Have been (as is my way) avoiding all the bollocks hype surrounding Michael Jackson. Songs, like this, are what I liked about him: