4 Lorazepam and my head is still buzzing

Further revelations of the day:

My care co-ordinator turned up, this afternoon, with my STR Worker. I was not aware that STR Worker was coming along but I sense some 'Pow Wows' have gone down and the mighty bureaucrats have decided that is time I pulled my socks up and got on with 'recovering'.

I had some kind of review. I think it is called a CPA5...or a CP5. Could be a C3P0 for all I know!!! Was informed that they had to justify their existance by me doing something that is quantifiable and within acceptable (to the mighty bureaucrats) timescale. I got to the 'what the fekk?' stage and so said I will go swimming with STR Worker with a view to going swimming by myself, and or joining swimming club, after 2 months. That was when I was handed a piece of paper and asked to complete it as in their words "I am so much better at explaining things"! In other words, they hadn't got a clue what to write. Ha! Ha!

Funnily enough, I remember having a conversation with STR worker, prior to the real rot setting in with Dad, about my need to do something healthy and therapeutic. I mentioned that I liked swimming. At the time, she told me it was not her remit to do this with me. That is when she suggested I ask previous care co-ordinator to help me apply for a Direct Payment. So I could pay for someone to go swimming with me. that being the previous care co-ordinator who told me straight that she didn't like doing paperwork and promptly put that on back burner.... And so the circle completes itself now....because it is 'audit time' at HQ.

Will I actually achieve going to a swimming pool by myself or joining a swimming club and being stable enough to stick with it? I really don't know but, right now, it isn't top of me 'To Do' List.

At least it made my care co-ordinator "very excited" (her words) on my behalf. Hope she is sleeping soundly tonight...for Monday I am sure she has loads more CPA5 forms to be cobbling together.

For the record. As in the record that is my blog....there is still no sign of the 'support worker' that I was assured would be in place by May. The support worker that was going to take my case off STR worker's hands. Seems like everyone is being shafted from behind.

Wouldn't surprise me if I come back from Derbyshire to find an envelope with a formal notification that I have fully met the recovery criteria and have therefore been discharged from MH services.

Come hell or waters high I am going to Derbyshire on Wednesday. I need to get the heck out of here for a while.

Dad update:

Having rung the ward earlier, have been informed there are still concerns in regards to his liver function. He is being given another lot of blood tests and kept in hospital over the weekend. The nurse I spoke to said that he is likely to get a psychiatric assessment on Monday. Based on the physical side of things, I would assume that will depend on how is liver is functioning then.

I don't want to demand of my friend over the weekend so am going to attempt to get to the hospital by myself. That is with the aid of a taxi. Not sure whether am in best space to do this but worry that a weekend in hospital with no contact from the outside will be a miserable place for Dad. I don't know. Perhaps, he is finding the contact with staff (however slight that is), regular meals and activity going on around him stimulating. For some it would be more stimulating than staying at home and staring at four walls. Personally, the thought of being in that environment gives me the heebies. I don't find visiting much of a pleasure because it brings memories of regular emergency trips there with Mum. Is a case of duty above everything. I am really longing for a time when duty is a thing of the past and having a life that doesn't revolve around crisis coping is a reality.

Am thinking maybe the swimming might turn out to be a goer. Even if I don't achieve full independance and Miss 'Better Late Recovery Than Never' Award, I might get a couple of good sessions out of it.

Real Pozzie of the Day:

Em and her fella turned up and we put together a list of classic 90's dance tunes (with the aid of Youtube). They are going to burn a cd and we will be playing this, in the car, on Monday when we all go to the zoo together.

This was the first song that got all our approval: