Another round of revolving doors

I wasn't going to write because I haven't been filled with a new sense of purpose or well being by latest goings on with MH staff.

Reality is what it is so I am going to write. The meeting on Monday was another round of 'what can we do for you'. The Director offering to follow up on ECT, CBT, direct payments and social support. I have been promised contact numbers if I have concerns. Yes, on the surface all very warm and fluffy stuff. I have serious doubts about the CBT but I kept schtum because is Dad's choice to take that option or not...

I remember being given contact details by the other Director, who made contact once and then didn't bother getting back to me. I also have concerns (as I raised at the meeting) that things are offered and then my father is left to sort out how he gets to appointments etc..which then is left to me to get him there. Director assured me that these arrangments would be resolved by his staff.

I don't believe what was agreed will happen because I have been to plenty of meetings and things are offered and promised and don't materialise. Is all fine and dandy, a Director saying things but someone else has to deliver on their promises....other staff and their track records show that they don't. Is all in pending file...at present. As it has been for last 18 months.

Wednesday was implosion day. My new care co-ordinator turned up 45 minutes late as her previous appointment overan. Wrong day for that to happen. I had around 30 minutes with her, before I had to go to GP appointment. She said all she could offer me was the services of the Crisis Team. Yes, just what I need 10 minutes a day of someone asking me if I am sleeping, eating and what my mood is like. Too little of not much of anything for me. Care co-ordinator said "Well, you know what service are like". Yes, I do..self serving. I became pre-occupied with getting to GP appointment and so said I don't believe the system is there to help me and all I want now is as much medication as will sedate me to place where I am not likely to do something to myself. Is about survival. She made some feeble comment about it being a case of how the team help me to sustain and would contact me.

I know how the team will help me to sustain... by doing what they always do. Nothing!!! I doubt I will hear from her for a couple of weeks. That is custom and practise.

The GP was compassionate. I think those GPs who do care are aware of the gaps in MH services. He basically said there wasn't much he could do. I thought that anyway but he has given me a prescription for lorazepam. Enough to stay calm and or oblivous when I need to (for a few weeks).

I undersand how people become alcoholics and junkies. There really isn't anything there, support wise. It is all down to the individual and that is fine when people can keep focussed (on self healing and getter better..or whatever particular thing gives them a sense of purpose and meaning). When their days aren't swamped by losses past and present and the impact they have. Some will say I am making that an excuse not to do anything.

I still get up...I still do the acceptable healthy things like tidying up, washing, eating, bathing....dragging myself out for walks. I make my cards (although sometimes I think the only ends is to have used my time creatively). I see Dad...do his washing, buy him treats, cook for him when he is her, listen to his despair. I maintain some kind of relationship with my daughter. I try to keep it light...she doesn't need to be embroiled in all this 'negative stuff' Hmmmm.

Basically, I am back on me Todd, surviving and that is as good as it gets.