Which is a nightmare when you don't and that includes self belief.
Thinking about Tommy and the self belief that carried him through. Maybe, it was just an external persona he put on (one of the three). You can never know anyone else...it's fucking hard enough to know myself. I thought I knew him enough...to be the least likely to take his own life. That when the chips were down for him one of his persona's would take over and he exuded love, compassion and tolerance (not much of that ever went back his way).
Maybe it is an age thing. He was in his late thirtees...I am in my middle 40's heading downhill towards 50. Maybe people get too tired to fight especially as things start wearing thin and out and science keeps chucking pills at you that don't help.
Have been thinking of revolving doors, going to appointments with medical people who have less of a clue than I do, although they will insist that sedation isn't really the answer and I must control my self medication and focus on achievable targets. There is...if I make a big enough pain in the arse of myself or pretend that I am some threat to society... acute care which used to serve as some time out with compassionate support (some hope when there seemed none) now it is where you really find out how futile and irrelevant you are. Like I need reminding!!!!
I've done the deep breathing, the visualisations, the gritting your teeth and getting on with it..I've done everything I can possibly think of and it is getting worse. It takes ages to get to sleep...I keep suddenly coming to (hyperventilating) every time I am dropping off. I dread waking up and when I do I am so dizzy with a migraine following not far behind to confirm how defenceless I am.
Advice I am getting is go to the GP. Go to the GP!!! I struggle to get to the kitchen and back. ARRRRRGH!
And the half eaten dried up cherry on this neurosis riddled cake is that there is a meeting with a service director (for fekk knows what MH department) today. And all because the lady does not love doing their job for them. What's to say to them "WILL YOU STOP FUCKING AROUND AND TAKE CARE OF MY FATHER BECAUSE I AM TOO FUCKED TO DO SO". That about sums that up. Will have to medicate myself into mongdom to even get there.
Some people plan trips abroad to get much needed time out...A coma would suit me!!!!!!
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Just sending my best - sorry it's not more but my brain has gone awol. Dx
ReplyDeleteManders,
ReplyDeleteThere isnt any escape really , its a relentless struggle and the best we can do is try to avoid as many of the incoming demands as we possibly can.
Easier said than done, I know.
Once upon a time the people who ran the system understood that there was a need to create refuge and sanctuary...its not like that any more.
No big answers here, just a bit of solidarity.
Great timing for such meetings ! Any chance you could get GP to do home visit ?
ReplyDeleteSending hugs
Love Sis xxx
Sending a big virtual hug Mandy, wish I had an answer for you sweetie. Just keep your eyes forward and remember that bad times cannot last forever. Sounds crass I know, but it's the best I got. I hope your meeting went well and that you repeated your honest feelings as effectively as you did in that post!
ReplyDeleteHave to agree with the last comment. Get the GP to come to you. Maybe outside the conveyor belt of the surgery they'll have some time to listen closer?
Take care of yourself and just do what you need to do for YOU!
Sending much love and warm wishes
....XXXX
D
ReplyDeleteYour best is fine by me...hope brain returns from leave soon x
Norm
ReplyDeleterefuge/sanctuary and respite have all been taken out of the psychiatrist's bible.
replaced with action plans/natty patter to match the natty suits and I fear a total lack of understanding of what being an individual means.
As for complex needs...that comes under non compliance Ha!
Hi Sis
ReplyDeleteDoctor's no longer do home calls..unless you are suffering something borderin on life threatening (physical). Swaying to and fro with suicidal thouhts..err I mean ideation. Wanna get me terminology right doesn't count.
Remember the last time I tried to get GP out..had a full blown migraine and was told (in no uncertain terms) that if I couldn't make it to the surgery I couldn't see a GP.
Am not in best frame of mind to be assertive more likely to flare up and then howl. Aoooooooow :>) xx
Thanks CC
ReplyDeleteDoing what I need to do for me is sound advice.
I did, in spite of rocking about like a drunken sailor in sea storm, I said that (without the f'ffing but left service director in no doubt that am sick to death of hearing the same thing being said by different people and the outcomes not matching the words. They have asked for 3 month's grace to implement the latest action plan with a promise to be accessable by phone. The last director said that and was another empty promise. We will see but after this next round of 'sucking it and seeing if there is anything of substance behind the veneer' it will go to the Ombudsman if we are still where we are at now.
I wonder how he is going to make his staff act on the commitments he made today. That, for me, will be proof of the man's intent and the staff's capacity to actually do the things they are supposed to be doing (but haven't quite managed to..to date).
Whatever the critics say, without the lozees I would be heading for the graveyard now and the critics..well they are living this crap are they?
Love and big hugs xx
Am bunkering down for a few days avoiding situations and people who are demanding of me.
oops..I mean they aren't living this crap but if they want to have 18 months of this...they are more than welcome to it (with bright shiny knobs on) :>)
ReplyDelete