At last, I have woken up without depression. Maybe the cycle is broken, maybe it is but a brief up before the rot sets back in. I am going to ride with it...like there is much choice anyway.
Having read posting on 'Self Preservation Society's' Blog... and going off on my own tangent as I do.....am thinking about self comfort. Particularly, the singing. That is the singing that I used to hear that wasn't actually there. The first time it happened it was spooky. I was in the one of the communal rooms in an acute unit and started looking for the source (outside of myself) and when I realised there wasn't one that took some acceptance. The acceptance came with the understanding that it wasn't hurting me, in fact I soon came to realise that it is something that created itself (as in I didn't consciously create it) to provide comfort for me.
I am sad that it doesn't happen anymore. It would have helped me through a pissy weekend and some other times too. Even sadder that it hasn't been replaced by anything that has the same affect one me but such is life. I still can't get my head round it.
And so today's song has to be Enya because this is the closest thing I can find to how it was for me:
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hmm- I guess they(MHS) will say you are in an better place now (health wise) for not hearing those voices but if they provide comfort I'm not so sure. The only things that I manifest are not comforting so I'm not sure how that feels.
ReplyDeleteI know there are times when the Lozes are the only comfort, and I wish I could make it different for you. But I can't right the worlds srong or even yours, hell not even my own. If I could I would be there to help in a shot.
Thinking of you as always
Lareve x
Ditto Lareve
ReplyDeleteAs in if I could right some of the wrongs... would think I was doing alright but seems like those closest to me are either imploding or being blown up from the outside in or waiting to die.
Except Em who I am more than happy to say is doing really well and thank fekk for one big mercy like that.
I think maybe the singing doesn't come back because of the lozees. A wee theory that like most could be proved by one theorist (or group of) and disproved by another. In grand scheme of things...I think that is a small price to pay for still being alive and not stuck in some corner of a secure unit, having rice pudding hurled at the general vicinity of my mouth by an underpaid and overworked (and completely fekked off) care assistant.
Actually do they have care assistants in secure units or ex bouncers? Enquiring (and well out there) minds need to know!!
Tomorrow is D Day with the semi care, semi resolution meeting with Dad's support team. I say D Day as in it will most probably hurt me more than it will hurt anyone else but I have a contingency plan..which involves the complaints manager, my MP and a few weeks being spent on a croft with people who have no need to lay their shit on me. Here's hoping
xx