A Brief Encounter....

With a glimpse of hope and then it was gone.

Am still trying to get to a numb place..(have had fleeting encounters with that today too).but Dad has done the offski again.

I was trying to work out why (as in why almost same time as last year)....considering I don't actually know hardly any of where Dad is at (only from an observation point to far away to make any difference), it isn't easy to know anything any more.

Only perhaps because when Mum died we had to wait until the first week of January for her cremation service, there is some significance. Perhaps that anniversary, followed by the effort of trying to survive all the durge and charade playing of the festive season gets him to point where he feels he has to do something. But I don't really know.

The emotional exhaustion of yesterday left me in neurosis hell today. Is bad enough me having to deal with this but Em was involved. I try to keep her away from the pain as much as but she and fella were crashing at mine. After several attempts to ring Dad (no reply). We all went round there, no response from door bell, calling careline, waiting for Warden to turn up, walking into pitch black flat (dreading finding his body)..the police. The nosy neighbour (who for once am grateful to) as they told warden he had got in taxi around 3pm.

The police have classified Dad as low risk (seems everyone except me has done the same)..what I view of that view is beyond printable.

I have had a call from him. He is North East. I won't go into any more detail on that but for now he is safe.

This could go anyway...I certainly haven't the foggiest which way. All I have done is asked him to stay safe and eat well.

I am not even sure I want to get the MH services involved. After he was picked up last year, he spent the best part of six months being totally miserable and ignored in a psychiatric unit. I wouldnt' want to be the one to inflict that on him.

Mind you, I feel like I have no say in anything!!!

I contacted the police to tell them what I knew. They have asked me to contact them if and when he makes contact with me again. I will but I feel like telling them all to "Fuck off" and is not personal but I really can't be doing with any more hoping, trying, fighting for what? False hope...for a father who I don't have capacity to handle and a system with no capacity (or desire) to provide proper care.

Is all mind fuckingly shite!