Having wrote back to my MP seeking, more than anything guidance, on where to go from here, in regards to Dad's care, I am now beating myself up...wondering if that was the right thing to do or not.
That is the problem with trying to look out for someone else. Someone who is an adult and related. The never really knowing if I am doing more damage than good.
I think I am a control freak, although I try hard not to be.
Why I am in this quandry is that I had decided to back off a bit from Dad and would wait for him to ring me. I didn't think he would but even backing off (as in direct contact) I wanted to keep in mind the fact that he still needs care and maybe more care than he is getting from services???
I am confused a fair bit of the time. I often feel that he should be with me but, realistically, I am struggling to look after me at the moment so I am in no position to take on the responsibility for looking after him. I feel ashamed about that. If I shouldn't it doesn't stop me.
Dad rang me last night and he seemed fine. He could be in some sort of recovery. Reflecting back on the last 14 years (from when his illness either manifested or took control of him)I find it hard to believe that he is recovering in the sense that everything will be fine and dandy but maybe he is starting to lift out of the depression. I haven't written that with any conviction because I haven't got any although it would be just fab if that is the case.
If I wasn't emotionally involved I could be a lot more objective. If I wasn't fighting with myself to get some middle ground (with myself) then maybe I wouldn't be so strung out about how he is.
Everything seems tentative. Not sure that makes sense but I am tentatively trying to get through each day and am tentatively hoping that Dad is finding it easier to get through his.
If only I was the eternal optimist. Then whatever happens wouldnt't matter, it would be alright because the optimism would ensure it was (even if it wasn't????)
DOH!
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You DO beat yourself up about your dad, don't you? And I know what it's like through my own experiences - the guilty feelings about not doing enough for a loved one. For what it's worth, I feel that you are doing everything you can in the circumstances.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry Mandy
ReplyDeleteI don't think you are a control freak just that you have had to be the one that holds things together requiring a level of control
I know how that feels. the difficulty is allowing yourself and knowing when to let go. Remember you are not superwoman everyone has a breaking point don't let it get you there.
Lareve x
You know folks, I just got back from Dad's and had to take a migraine wafer.
ReplyDeleteI really think there is something going on that somebody with professional capacity can do something about.
Like he rang me 3 times today. Firstly to say he was going to shops. Then to say he had been to shops and forgotten certain items and then to say the chemist had not delivered his tablets.
I ended up going to town, thankfully my friend with car could take me, and sorting things.
Problem is that I am dropping sedatives like smarties to handle this and still getting migraines.
Am glad for these wafer tablets they help but I need to get off the pc because have pulsating pain up neck and vision is getting squiffy.
Going to lie down until this all dies down