Hollow Hills

I have felt that posting is futile although blogs are for blogging as and when and for whatever reasons but with the new year sagas I would rather not have to be involved in, I have no awe inspiring words and there is very little creative flow going on inside me. Not that this blog is here to serve the public. Is not some sort of personal recovery model in which I feel can aid others to recovery. Although if there are ones, and they do aid others, there is nothing wrong with that.

I guess I am counting my lucky stars that I am still able to get out of bed in the morning although what to do with the rest of the day is more than a slight problem.

Have been in contact with Dad. Wondering why so much of me has been absorbed in his whatever is going on. Is not like I am actually being of any positive use to him. Maybe I am (for him) a key player in some game. A game he isn't necessarily concious he is playing.I can't explain this very well...but it isn't all about me being the flesh of his flesh (although that is some of it). It is quite a bit to do with twisted history. Perhaps I do try and make things alright but I should know by now that it doesn't work. I accept that I have no control and I also accept that whatever I do is likely to be undermined by his illness and character traits. I don't know if there is an element of deliberate stubborness. I do think he is being very selfish.

When I spoke to him I said I didn't mind him going away. I was concerned for his safety but that he is a grown up and can do what he wants. The problem was the not letting me know and leaving me to try and work it out for myself (risk assessment). He was, I sensed, pissed off cos he told me he would think about it and then put the phone down. I think he felt I was telling him off. Rightly or wrongly I took that badly. I didn't tell him because i don't think he is in a position (or wants) to care about my feelings.

I thought about Mum. Our relationship was very different. We could talk pretty freely (although at times her ill states meant that I avoided things that might hurt her) and laughed alot together. We were close. I don't feel close to Dad. I feel like someone who looks out for him but he is a stranger to me and we are becoming more distant.

He could be suffering from dementia. I am not an expert in how to diagnose dementia so is more a possibility than knowing with any certainty. Having been in contact with other people (non MH professionals) I am getting feedback that old people can become self absorbed and hurtful. Hmmm.

I guess I do have to detach myself and keep myself as detached as much as I can but I don't want to let go. I don't want him to be totally alone but I can't carry on being dominated with fears for him or being rejected.

I could wail on about it being a pants time of year for me and trying to see some point in rallying through depression but that isn't going to make anything better.

I have to get on with it.

The local council sent me one of their officious letters pretty much saying that if I don't play ball they will call in the heavies. I am paying what I can, when I can. It doesn't matter how many officious letters I get, they can't have money that I haven't got.

Making some progress with the credit card company. I have to send letters to them (addressed to the companies taking the unauthorised payments from my account) and then, so the credit company says, they will stop further payments. So far I am £40 down! If that doesnt' work then the police will get involved, so the police say. I don't know what I believe anymore. I just see things going round in circles.

Ho hum!