I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED AND NOT GOING TO APOLOGISE FOR IT

Nor will I apologise for not 'conforming' to the 'accepted norms' (heartily reinforced by MH moguls) ...and if they lower themselves down from their ivory towers and read this - Yes you are all useless, wasting, self serving, wankers who have betrayed people. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves rather than patting each other on the back and giving yourselves awards for such betrayals.

Haven't ventured myself to other blogs...due to sense that there has been a conserted effort to water down mental illness, to make those who have it feel more ashamed to admit that in spite of the myriad of recovery agendas....propoganda campaigns and the millions of pounds that have gone down the swanny (even the civil servants can't put their hands on the exact amounts)...that there are still many of us flaying about trying to exist...STILL ILL!!!!

I don't need pep talks about personal responsiblity....I get my arse out of bed every morning, keep house, pay bills, go walkabouts...brush my teeth a couple of times a day and do my bit to mingle pleasantly with other members of the race I come into contact with, such times I am outside.

I don't need to be sent newsletters with pictures of 'Recovery Ron', half way up Mount Everest with the by line "This could be you" followed by phone calls from a MH charity asking me for a donation, although the last one that rang got a direct question in regards to where the money actually goes and couldn't answer it. Well, if I don't know where the money is going..then it isn't going from me to them. If I want this stuff, I will go find it for myself...and I don't.

I am heartened by and glad for those who do feel better (or feel they are heading in the right direction) but I am sickened by those who constantly manipulate in order to preserve some central control and dictate over what is other people's states of being and dumbfounded that so many believe the shit that is pumped out or, at the very least, are too scared to challenge it.

Like these organisations have the right to scare people into compliance, whether people believe in it or not.

I am scared of things in myself (my experiences/feelings past and present) but I am not scared of any of them and I won't be mediocritized into 3 point planning a recovery of their making.

Have ventured to Aethelread's blog. I don't blame him for not wanting open debates. Sometimes...the need to hold what there is of the core together is more important than allowing others to have democratic input...and anyway....often as not the pack dictates the level of democracy and don't delude yourself that blogland is any less 'pack' dominated than other walks of life. I certainly have taken a few sharp blows because I have kept comments open. I won't change that but that is my choice. I give out and I take back.....and I will keep giving out cos I am nobody's PATSY!!!!

I mentioned A's blog because of his reference to another pack. I don't do packs anymore and I certainly don't mix well with academic packs because they often miss the plot when it comes to feelings and experiences (real lives) and theorise rather than empathise. Too damn right abuse is rife in care services....and too damn right there is no accountability because that is not what is wanted (on high). It's all seeping through the cracks now with NHS Trusts (at last) being shown up for the messes they are in. The staff will blame the management, the management will try and get the lawyers to damage limit..the government will deny any responsibility..but I sense more horror stories to follow. I can hope that the overseeing bodies have the power to implement change but fear that 'bureaucracy' and pre-occupations of politicians (in regards to personal political survival) will prevent much of anything that will lead to improvements.

So another turn of the roundabout begins.

Someone spoke to me about the need for 'Champions' the other day. I think they saw themselves as a bit of a champion. Problem being they were aligned to another quango which in turn was aligned to several other quangos and so it goes. I dunno about champions but people with some savvy (and resources...independant of government funding) to develop something more democratic is long overdue. Yeah same old same as dilemmas.

Maybe just maybe the government withdrawing funding from charities will encourage them to be more independant.....or they may go under. I would rather have no charities than those acting 'undemocratically'.

And getting rid of the 'Celeb a thons'...as another friend said, those celebs who would turn up at the opening of an envelope to get some publicity...that would be good too.

Would it stop me getting depressed? Nah, but it would stop me thinking that people are being shafted something rottern for the chosen few.

Some truths.....(bullshit free) as told by the man, himself

The rise and rise of the bourjois busybodies

Haven't felt need to write a blog post.

Illness and winter = intertia

However, and as usual, am jolted back into 'angry mode' by latest politically correct do gooders (all of whom you could count the good they have done on an empty abbacus) laying into Morrisey and his comments on suicide being honourable.

Now everyone has opinions on suicide and more so those who have taken their own lives but what twats me off the most is these 'charitable figureheads' prattling on about the damage Morrisey's views do to others. Bollocks...and utter bollocks that is.

I doubt Tommy's decision to take his own life was based on any celebrity's stance on suicide and I actually think that there was some honour in Tommy's suicide. More so his absolute right to take his life if he felt it the only option for him. Could debate community's and local charity's role in his downfall alongside punitive attempts by MH Trust at providing appropropriate treatment and care for him, as the individual he was. Tommy is gone, FACT and all the meddlings of the middle classes at the 'soundbite' level aren't going to change that or much for anyone else who feels suicidal/attempts suicide in future. They really do over-estimate their significance in relation to real lives and deaths.

Going off on a tangent here because I have many thoughts bouncing around in my head about this....there is and should always be artistic license in an artist's work. I doubt the MH PC police would be seeking to have every copy of 'Romeo and Juliet' banished from the world because one of the key characters kills herself...and certainly her suicide is portrayed as 'honourable' (well I think so...but that could be another cause for debate).

Morrisey is an artist and one whose illness and experiences are reflected in his work. You don't have to like it. Is optional to buy it...but he sings and talks about what is real to him. A rarity in this world of highly commercialised and conveyor belt production music.

I guess if I heard one comment come forth from the mouths of the (doing nicely out of this racket) 'MH representatives', I might feel more inclined to let some crass statement by La Wallace go but, for fekk sake, is really like listening to a passerby telling a young child off for stealing a lolly from a shop, when, behind their back, a group of public shcool boys are ransacking the place..and that is giving La Wallace the benefit of the doubt. I actually think she is acutely aware of the games that are being played and rather deal with pressing issues such as the destruction of the NHS and betrayal of people with mental illness by charities...making a comment about Morrissey is more likely to guarantee her getting an interview with the media.

Shoddy, below the belt and typical of how these 'self proclaimed' figureheads behave.

The sooner they fekk off and find something useful to do...like stacking shelves in Sainsburies...the better!!!!!