My perfect night would consist of me dancing to this:
and ending up doing something else to this:
Tuesday, 10 March 2009
For All You Naughty Little Puppies
Okay, so the 2 key players are well out of it now (having left the doo doo growing for their successors) but the meaning is still same as.
So let that be a lesson to you! PAH!
Just saw some alert on my home page asking if Our PM Non-Elect should apologise for the financial crisis we are in....Hmmm....Perhaps he could start by apologising for existing! That would do it for me.
So let that be a lesson to you! PAH!
Just saw some alert on my home page asking if Our PM Non-Elect should apologise for the financial crisis we are in....Hmmm....Perhaps he could start by apologising for existing! That would do it for me.
Saying It With Flowers
Confess to being rather meany minded when was re-awoken by postman, at around 7 this morning, as was well asleep and wanted to stay that way.
However, was worth being woken for. Was handed a long box. The contents were a lovely bunch of carnations and some choccies. Game on! That led to my first earnest smile of the day. Hoping it isn't my last either.
I am a person who likes surprises (as long as they are nice) and a person who likes flowers and chocolates too so it was a win/win/win situation for me.
I know depression along with pretty dire situuations aren't suddenly resolved by nice surprises but they sure as hell help.
Not much else to add to that, except to say here that am more than a tad chuffed.
Is too early for me..so I might actually go back to bed for a while as I think I could sleep some more. Oh one thing, friend thinks I need to go to GP, ASAP, to look at additional medication that will help me (theory being I might not need so much lorazepam if it does). Granted care co-ordinator has said she will send me a list of meds and try and get me appointment with psychiatrist - the one I got on with whilst in crisis care - but that could take some time and she might forget. Sounds like an insult but they have been apt to forget things before. Will think on it.
This is over the top but it is the song that came into my head so here goes:
However, was worth being woken for. Was handed a long box. The contents were a lovely bunch of carnations and some choccies. Game on! That led to my first earnest smile of the day. Hoping it isn't my last either.
I am a person who likes surprises (as long as they are nice) and a person who likes flowers and chocolates too so it was a win/win/win situation for me.
I know depression along with pretty dire situuations aren't suddenly resolved by nice surprises but they sure as hell help.
Not much else to add to that, except to say here that am more than a tad chuffed.
Is too early for me..so I might actually go back to bed for a while as I think I could sleep some more. Oh one thing, friend thinks I need to go to GP, ASAP, to look at additional medication that will help me (theory being I might not need so much lorazepam if it does). Granted care co-ordinator has said she will send me a list of meds and try and get me appointment with psychiatrist - the one I got on with whilst in crisis care - but that could take some time and she might forget. Sounds like an insult but they have been apt to forget things before. Will think on it.
This is over the top but it is the song that came into my head so here goes:
Monday, 9 March 2009
It all comes down to staying power
I have dropped another half a loz to deal with the squiffy eyes. Am getting cycles of migraines again...and have clocked that there is a link with lozees. In sense that if I try and leave it too long before taking one, that triggers a migraine too. Whoopie! Another added bonus.
Whilst semi offering me something that could amount to nothing, the kindly MH people who saw me Friday told me that Lorazepam is not the answer!!!!!Yep, as in if there were other answers then the lorazepam wouldn't be the answer. If Dad was getting care then I wouldn't either be at home, for whatever reason going more insane or with him going more insane.
Anyway before I rant on about how sweet but ineffectual MH staff are (well some are sweet), causing those working in services to become more affronted by my blatant disregard of how much effort they put in (that is those who are actually trying to do their job properly) and those with MH problems \9who think the sun shines out of the arses of the MH services) to become more affronted by my insistance that 'treading water' is the name of the game. Hell, why the fekk should that matter? Is not like I am going for patient of the year award.
And bless their hearts, friends are now reminding me how ill Dad is...or how much of an emotional drain he is on them too and how he must go into residential care....Cheers.
Unemotively, I can see that everyone (including me) is playing pass the parcel with Dad. I don't expect anyone (who hasn't got a professional responsiblity) for Dad to do anything but if they can't do anything, I would rather they would not do anything and then I wouldn't keep having to get negatively reinforced about how useless a daughter I am and that he is beyond them. Is worse that MH services are making it very clear that they are playing pass the parcel and that the parcel is ultimately back in my lap.
My MP's contribution to all this is to forward my letters, along with his questions as to how things can be resolved, to an acting CEO..whom I am not sure exists and certinly acts like he doesn't. I think he is hiding behind his finger and hoping no-one spots him.
perhaps I need to justify why I am an active participant in this pass the parcel game. Well, let us take Saturday as an example. My friend, the one who does offer practical support has a duff back, which quite possibly needs an operation, so I went round to Dad's with lunch. I was worried he wasn't going to eat..which seems to be a regular occurance....was there half hour and got a migraine. Ended up having to take a tablet and then getting strung out and taking a loz because Dad can't cope with himself let alone someone with a migraine.
People who have had breakdowns will clock that I am too fucked to be providing care because my illness seems to be spreading like a cancer through my psyche and pouring out through my body. And yep, I am fighting the paranoia and self destruction as best as I can..and still trying... but am severly blotting my copy book by failing. No gold star for me then. Get the Dunce Hat out.
The month is nearly up and, as expected, (although would much rather have been pleasantly surprised) nothing has been forthcoming in regards to additional support. And so am going to make an appointment to see the MP. Quite how I am going to manage to hold myself together to get there, or whilst I am there, is another matter.
I have asked a friend (a friend with varied experience in MH field and qualification enough cred wise- in the eyes of those who like qualifications) to be there with me. They have kindly agreed. They will be acting as MH advocate. More because everytime I wonder where this is going I freak out and although will be seen as a drama queen..can sense that I am heading towards something horrific. I am trying to avoid suicide - as anyone who thinks/hopes there is more to life than despair would but by fuck endless nothing feels like a better option than endless cycling into more despair.
I am fighting for something more than horror. I just can't see where it is.
Perhaps I need to apologise for any sensitivities I have rubbed up the wrong way but ultimately what point a blog if the blogger can't write it how they feel, think, see it?
and I used to think it was sad that people committed suicide but maybe it isn't so sad. Maybe it is release and maybe I am trying to find reasons to talk myself either into or out of suicide. ?????????? That buck deffo stops with me.
Whilst semi offering me something that could amount to nothing, the kindly MH people who saw me Friday told me that Lorazepam is not the answer!!!!!Yep, as in if there were other answers then the lorazepam wouldn't be the answer. If Dad was getting care then I wouldn't either be at home, for whatever reason going more insane or with him going more insane.
Anyway before I rant on about how sweet but ineffectual MH staff are (well some are sweet), causing those working in services to become more affronted by my blatant disregard of how much effort they put in (that is those who are actually trying to do their job properly) and those with MH problems \9who think the sun shines out of the arses of the MH services) to become more affronted by my insistance that 'treading water' is the name of the game. Hell, why the fekk should that matter? Is not like I am going for patient of the year award.
And bless their hearts, friends are now reminding me how ill Dad is...or how much of an emotional drain he is on them too and how he must go into residential care....Cheers.
Unemotively, I can see that everyone (including me) is playing pass the parcel with Dad. I don't expect anyone (who hasn't got a professional responsiblity) for Dad to do anything but if they can't do anything, I would rather they would not do anything and then I wouldn't keep having to get negatively reinforced about how useless a daughter I am and that he is beyond them. Is worse that MH services are making it very clear that they are playing pass the parcel and that the parcel is ultimately back in my lap.
My MP's contribution to all this is to forward my letters, along with his questions as to how things can be resolved, to an acting CEO..whom I am not sure exists and certinly acts like he doesn't. I think he is hiding behind his finger and hoping no-one spots him.
perhaps I need to justify why I am an active participant in this pass the parcel game. Well, let us take Saturday as an example. My friend, the one who does offer practical support has a duff back, which quite possibly needs an operation, so I went round to Dad's with lunch. I was worried he wasn't going to eat..which seems to be a regular occurance....was there half hour and got a migraine. Ended up having to take a tablet and then getting strung out and taking a loz because Dad can't cope with himself let alone someone with a migraine.
People who have had breakdowns will clock that I am too fucked to be providing care because my illness seems to be spreading like a cancer through my psyche and pouring out through my body. And yep, I am fighting the paranoia and self destruction as best as I can..and still trying... but am severly blotting my copy book by failing. No gold star for me then. Get the Dunce Hat out.
The month is nearly up and, as expected, (although would much rather have been pleasantly surprised) nothing has been forthcoming in regards to additional support. And so am going to make an appointment to see the MP. Quite how I am going to manage to hold myself together to get there, or whilst I am there, is another matter.
I have asked a friend (a friend with varied experience in MH field and qualification enough cred wise- in the eyes of those who like qualifications) to be there with me. They have kindly agreed. They will be acting as MH advocate. More because everytime I wonder where this is going I freak out and although will be seen as a drama queen..can sense that I am heading towards something horrific. I am trying to avoid suicide - as anyone who thinks/hopes there is more to life than despair would but by fuck endless nothing feels like a better option than endless cycling into more despair.
I am fighting for something more than horror. I just can't see where it is.
Perhaps I need to apologise for any sensitivities I have rubbed up the wrong way but ultimately what point a blog if the blogger can't write it how they feel, think, see it?
and I used to think it was sad that people committed suicide but maybe it isn't so sad. Maybe it is release and maybe I am trying to find reasons to talk myself either into or out of suicide. ?????????? That buck deffo stops with me.
Sunday, 8 March 2009
No Sex Please - I am too poorly
having commented on a post on Marine Snow's blog...I think it is important to write. Well, important for me, that vulnerable people are often taken advantage of.
I shared one of my experiences of such a thing happening to me on Lola's site so won't go into it again here. Not that I am ashamed of it but have taken a whole lorazepam and not sure where that is going to take me. Nor, at the moment, do I care!!!
In both my extreme states i am highly vulnerable. When manic my libido can rise along with the mood. Not only does that send signals out that I am up for it, or can do but it also breaks down my own self protective barriers. I became more care free and have little regard for anything but the moment. It was rather different when I was taken advantage of the last time. My manicness was more edgy rather than happy la la and I believe I was taken advantage of because I wasn't able to say No...I was caught up in something but mostly my own neurosis and thinking it was the right thing to do, to please them...particularly as they were on the charm offensive.
Looks like I am going to re-write what I wrote after all. DOH!
Anyway, cutting to the chase, the bloke became more bullish and controlling and even after i had to go to a clinic to sort out the nasty present he had given me, he was ringing me and demanding to see me. When I refused he threatened me with legal action. Not sure quite what any more but he blamed me for having sex with him. Said it was all my fault and sent endless texts with the most foul comments. The only thing I think was wrong on my part was not using protection but when someone is not in a position to think straight and being bullied is hard to keep any control.
The problem is...and is very clear to me...that there are predatory creatures out there (part of the human race) who will not only force opportunities on others but will then manipulate people so they feel bad for allowing things to happen. Never mind what state a person is in at the time. Not only that but predators can be very charming (part of the act) so you can't always see the wood for the trees, particularly if you are off centre yourself.
Sadly, it has made me highly sceptical. I used to be a very trusting soul but now my 'bastard' alert is active 24/7. For me, that is not such a bad thing because I never want to be in situations where other people are controlling me, although I totally dread going manic because then I can be known to throw caution to the wind. One thing the lozees do is stop that side of my nature/illness. Which is one of the bonuses of being on sedation for me.
However, it is even sadder that there are people more vulnerable than I who might not be able to prevent others controlling them and you can bet your bottom dollar the predators can spot them a mile off.
so maybe is best not to wear the "No Sex Please" t shirt because they will zoom in on it and will be like a sitting target. Ho hum!
Know i have put this video up before but I love it, so here we go again:
I shared one of my experiences of such a thing happening to me on Lola's site so won't go into it again here. Not that I am ashamed of it but have taken a whole lorazepam and not sure where that is going to take me. Nor, at the moment, do I care!!!
In both my extreme states i am highly vulnerable. When manic my libido can rise along with the mood. Not only does that send signals out that I am up for it, or can do but it also breaks down my own self protective barriers. I became more care free and have little regard for anything but the moment. It was rather different when I was taken advantage of the last time. My manicness was more edgy rather than happy la la and I believe I was taken advantage of because I wasn't able to say No...I was caught up in something but mostly my own neurosis and thinking it was the right thing to do, to please them...particularly as they were on the charm offensive.
Looks like I am going to re-write what I wrote after all. DOH!
Anyway, cutting to the chase, the bloke became more bullish and controlling and even after i had to go to a clinic to sort out the nasty present he had given me, he was ringing me and demanding to see me. When I refused he threatened me with legal action. Not sure quite what any more but he blamed me for having sex with him. Said it was all my fault and sent endless texts with the most foul comments. The only thing I think was wrong on my part was not using protection but when someone is not in a position to think straight and being bullied is hard to keep any control.
The problem is...and is very clear to me...that there are predatory creatures out there (part of the human race) who will not only force opportunities on others but will then manipulate people so they feel bad for allowing things to happen. Never mind what state a person is in at the time. Not only that but predators can be very charming (part of the act) so you can't always see the wood for the trees, particularly if you are off centre yourself.
Sadly, it has made me highly sceptical. I used to be a very trusting soul but now my 'bastard' alert is active 24/7. For me, that is not such a bad thing because I never want to be in situations where other people are controlling me, although I totally dread going manic because then I can be known to throw caution to the wind. One thing the lozees do is stop that side of my nature/illness. Which is one of the bonuses of being on sedation for me.
However, it is even sadder that there are people more vulnerable than I who might not be able to prevent others controlling them and you can bet your bottom dollar the predators can spot them a mile off.
so maybe is best not to wear the "No Sex Please" t shirt because they will zoom in on it and will be like a sitting target. Ho hum!
Know i have put this video up before but I love it, so here we go again:
Friday, 6 March 2009
Seeing the right from the wrong through jaded glasses
Contemplating next steps for myself..whilst waiting for the Virgin Media Man to turn up and fix my knackered phone line.
I might try and place my mistrust of the NHS to one side and make an appointment with my GP and try another shrinky med. It will have to be done with caution..not just because of my low tolerance to meds but also because I am taking lorazepam..so it will need to be a medication that does not react negatively with benzos. In the longer term (if there is to be one) that will be with the hope of cutting down the benzos.Maybe this is all pie in the sky bollocks because I think I have tried most meds, with the exception of Olanzapine and Lithium. Of the two I am more likely to take Lithium than Olanzapine...because more evidence is being dug up that pharma companies buried trial results and whatever anyone says the medication piles the pounds on and does something to the body which leads to diabetes. Something to do with how the body breaks down glucose..or not! Anyway, it is an option. I might also re-try amytriptalene..even if I can't spell it. I was put on it in the past and it made me high but maybe a high that is more controllable is better than this constant, trudging through the mud and fighting off paranoia (which seems to be sneaking in all over the place and I find myself having to question judgements alot).
I fear the GP will say "You need to be referred back to the psychiatrist". I don't want to be referred back to them because of the conflict of interests and my total distrust of how they diagnoses patients (namely my father). Ho hum.
Sure I get that the biggest part of dealing with lunacy is down to the lunatic themselves and staying positive (in the pits of depression) helps but a person needs things to be positive in order to see them and build on them. I am still breathing, which ,I guess, is a positive although is debatable.
The fact I am writing with a level of coherence means i haven't completely lost the plot yet although 'losing the plot' goes in varying degrees and I know that big chunks of the plot are missing in me. Someone, in acute care, once questioned my illness reckoning I couldn't be ill because I was aware of how I was. At the time I thought they were right but anyone who blogs knows that you can be acutely aware of how wrong you feel and think and able to express that but it doesn't change how wrong you feel and think. Acts of expression do not mean you are recovered. Maybe they help in a process of some kind of recovery or getting back to coping but nobody knows the illness beter than the person that has it. I do believe that is the case for the majority of people who suffer mental illness. i don't think any professional has the capacity to see inside someone's psyche and suss it out. They just get the observer's view and if they are an astute and understanding observer, who gives enough time to a person, then they may well get enough of a picture to help.
Sadly, some professionals give people 20 minutes of their time and think they are in an expert position to diagnose and prescribe. That is nonsensical and some professionals write up diagnoses that contradict how the person is. Possibly because it suits the paperwork and manpower available rather than the needs of the person. Then again, I would say that and I would say that based on experience!!!
Whatever, it is Friday. My Care Co-ordinator is coming to see me. She might be able to offer some advice or practical support. Being as objective as I can about that.
Friend sent me though this video. Glad to see Depeche Mode still rallying on...having survived and still surviving their own dramas. I am on a one woman campaign for them to get a Brit Award and is not like I am the only one who thinks they are still relevant. This song is in the top five most downloaded tracks.
I read that The Cure got the equivalent of a 'services to the music industry' accolade at the NME awards. Good for them...although I prefer their early stuff.
Time for a tune:
I might try and place my mistrust of the NHS to one side and make an appointment with my GP and try another shrinky med. It will have to be done with caution..not just because of my low tolerance to meds but also because I am taking lorazepam..so it will need to be a medication that does not react negatively with benzos. In the longer term (if there is to be one) that will be with the hope of cutting down the benzos.Maybe this is all pie in the sky bollocks because I think I have tried most meds, with the exception of Olanzapine and Lithium. Of the two I am more likely to take Lithium than Olanzapine...because more evidence is being dug up that pharma companies buried trial results and whatever anyone says the medication piles the pounds on and does something to the body which leads to diabetes. Something to do with how the body breaks down glucose..or not! Anyway, it is an option. I might also re-try amytriptalene..even if I can't spell it. I was put on it in the past and it made me high but maybe a high that is more controllable is better than this constant, trudging through the mud and fighting off paranoia (which seems to be sneaking in all over the place and I find myself having to question judgements alot).
I fear the GP will say "You need to be referred back to the psychiatrist". I don't want to be referred back to them because of the conflict of interests and my total distrust of how they diagnoses patients (namely my father). Ho hum.
Sure I get that the biggest part of dealing with lunacy is down to the lunatic themselves and staying positive (in the pits of depression) helps but a person needs things to be positive in order to see them and build on them. I am still breathing, which ,I guess, is a positive although is debatable.
The fact I am writing with a level of coherence means i haven't completely lost the plot yet although 'losing the plot' goes in varying degrees and I know that big chunks of the plot are missing in me. Someone, in acute care, once questioned my illness reckoning I couldn't be ill because I was aware of how I was. At the time I thought they were right but anyone who blogs knows that you can be acutely aware of how wrong you feel and think and able to express that but it doesn't change how wrong you feel and think. Acts of expression do not mean you are recovered. Maybe they help in a process of some kind of recovery or getting back to coping but nobody knows the illness beter than the person that has it. I do believe that is the case for the majority of people who suffer mental illness. i don't think any professional has the capacity to see inside someone's psyche and suss it out. They just get the observer's view and if they are an astute and understanding observer, who gives enough time to a person, then they may well get enough of a picture to help.
Sadly, some professionals give people 20 minutes of their time and think they are in an expert position to diagnose and prescribe. That is nonsensical and some professionals write up diagnoses that contradict how the person is. Possibly because it suits the paperwork and manpower available rather than the needs of the person. Then again, I would say that and I would say that based on experience!!!
Whatever, it is Friday. My Care Co-ordinator is coming to see me. She might be able to offer some advice or practical support. Being as objective as I can about that.
Friend sent me though this video. Glad to see Depeche Mode still rallying on...having survived and still surviving their own dramas. I am on a one woman campaign for them to get a Brit Award and is not like I am the only one who thinks they are still relevant. This song is in the top five most downloaded tracks.
I read that The Cure got the equivalent of a 'services to the music industry' accolade at the NME awards. Good for them...although I prefer their early stuff.
Time for a tune:
Tuesday, 3 March 2009
Time Away and being a Passenger in my own life
Have been staying with friends in The Peak District.
Shows you how weird I have become because I thought (and not even sure why now) that I was staying in a croft in Cumbria. Anyway, by the by, was a restful weekend.
I explained, prior to going, that I was raw and wanted to mong out and that is pretty much what I did.
Having spoken with support worker last week and the conversation veering towards a possible stay in acute care, trying new meds....I needed to get away or that might have turned out to be a reality via a 3-5 hour wait at A&E although the thought of A&E sends me into a paranoid state..along with the experiences of previous stays. Crisis care is no longer an option...beds being needed for the acute ward etc etc blah dee blah.
It was a weird weekend for me. Friends were lovely. No pressure or demands, They fed me well, looked out for me and let me mong about but I felt like a passenger. Nothing to do with them actually. It was me. Is me.
The good thing was that there were no demands. They are pretty self sufficient people and although one of them has MH problems (more to do with brutal upbringing than anything else and not writing anymore than that because is private) they have a rare balance in their relationship where they play to each others' strengths and compliment each others' foibles. I was in awe of them. Being a person whose weaknesses tend to dominate my life and certainly not finding a place where my strengths seem to compliment anyone, it was nice to know that there are couples who 'get on' and without seeming to have to compromise much to do it.
I actually found the ease of being with them did help me to relax more although the dread of coming home was something else.
I spent the weekend eating alot, resting and going for the odd trip out to the shops for choccy.
I saw a bit of the Peak District. We went right into the heart of it to pick up their caravan (they were heading off to the South Coast) after dropping me home. Beautiful it is..the District and the caravan is pretty nifty too.
Have an open invite to go back there anytime. Which is one hell of an offer and considering I consider myself as much company as an exhibit at Tring museum, I think that is more a measure of their kindness than my value as a useful addition to any situation. They even offered to pick me up ont heir way back from their holiday. Should I need more time away from homestead.
I will go there again but am hoping that next time I am a bit more lively. I remember being a sparkle once. Someone that was fun to be around. Now I am the person trying to find a bolt hole in most situations.
Perhaps I have had a bit of a breakdown. perhaps I never actually recovered from my first breakdown. I dunno but I certainly find the sheer effort of existing so much more exhausting these days.
So, am back home. The time away did some good..if only to provide breathing space amongst people who didn't demand of me.
Time for a cuppa, a cig and the next stage of my continual breakdown!!!
Shows you how weird I have become because I thought (and not even sure why now) that I was staying in a croft in Cumbria. Anyway, by the by, was a restful weekend.
I explained, prior to going, that I was raw and wanted to mong out and that is pretty much what I did.
Having spoken with support worker last week and the conversation veering towards a possible stay in acute care, trying new meds....I needed to get away or that might have turned out to be a reality via a 3-5 hour wait at A&E although the thought of A&E sends me into a paranoid state..along with the experiences of previous stays. Crisis care is no longer an option...beds being needed for the acute ward etc etc blah dee blah.
It was a weird weekend for me. Friends were lovely. No pressure or demands, They fed me well, looked out for me and let me mong about but I felt like a passenger. Nothing to do with them actually. It was me. Is me.
The good thing was that there were no demands. They are pretty self sufficient people and although one of them has MH problems (more to do with brutal upbringing than anything else and not writing anymore than that because is private) they have a rare balance in their relationship where they play to each others' strengths and compliment each others' foibles. I was in awe of them. Being a person whose weaknesses tend to dominate my life and certainly not finding a place where my strengths seem to compliment anyone, it was nice to know that there are couples who 'get on' and without seeming to have to compromise much to do it.
I actually found the ease of being with them did help me to relax more although the dread of coming home was something else.
I spent the weekend eating alot, resting and going for the odd trip out to the shops for choccy.
I saw a bit of the Peak District. We went right into the heart of it to pick up their caravan (they were heading off to the South Coast) after dropping me home. Beautiful it is..the District and the caravan is pretty nifty too.
Have an open invite to go back there anytime. Which is one hell of an offer and considering I consider myself as much company as an exhibit at Tring museum, I think that is more a measure of their kindness than my value as a useful addition to any situation. They even offered to pick me up ont heir way back from their holiday. Should I need more time away from homestead.
I will go there again but am hoping that next time I am a bit more lively. I remember being a sparkle once. Someone that was fun to be around. Now I am the person trying to find a bolt hole in most situations.
Perhaps I have had a bit of a breakdown. perhaps I never actually recovered from my first breakdown. I dunno but I certainly find the sheer effort of existing so much more exhausting these days.
So, am back home. The time away did some good..if only to provide breathing space amongst people who didn't demand of me.
Time for a cuppa, a cig and the next stage of my continual breakdown!!!
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