What's it all about ...Alfie?

I think I know what it is about..at least the reasons I carry on, in spite of underlying feelings of worthlessness, pissy frustration and entrapment.

It is about some basic motivation (although I don't feel motivated to much of anything) to live. That primal, animal, instint to survive.

Moving away from the basics, there is also a responsibility to and love for my daughter that prevails. A weird kind of responsibility cos is not like I was able to match the responsibility with actions for years but I have always felt (and most probably more so at times when I was contemplating suicide) that she didn't need to have to deal with my suicide. That it would be wrong to lay any responsibility (she might feel) for my taking of my life. Not just that, but I wanted to live for her because she deserved that rather than my death. If that makes any sense. Maybe that was self delusion. I certainly have never felt I was any cop as a mother so is not like I felt she was missing much in not having me but more that I wanted to hang on to the possibility/opportunity to be better for her. I also could sense, again maybe self delusion, that my own destruction would affect her...in ways that might mess her up big time. The end of my life should not be the start of, or continuation of, her having to try and work out what my illness and death means because whatever kind of useless I was....a child is growing and developing and as one of the most central figures in her life, it would have been pretty damaging to her. I think, I don't know.

And now...now our relationship is good. We have grown together in certain ways. We know each other and I feel like a mum. Her Mum. So, even in despairing times, I want to hang on for her.

Anyway, have prattled on there.

Reason for all this is that yesterday was a bastard of a day. I was hammering myself internally. Dr J seemed to be reflecting my own internal disorder and round and round in frustrating circles I went. I got to the point where I wanted to run. That had enough fighting, want to fly, thing. Knew that would be another futile endeavour so took a loz, cried and eventually slept.

Today, well it is not like Miss Marple is going to come round and cut through all the red herrings and resolve the case and the red herrings are actually more the realities of having other damaged people in my life who need, but aren't getting, any real care (outside of the erratic and exhausting bits of nurturing they seek or get from me).

I am damaged goods...more shop soiled than flooded warehouse stock. So, to try and resolve anything is seeming pointless to me. A case of take the sedation and get on with the day..Oh and I have a letter to open from the local council. Bet it won't be a crimbo card with heartfelt wishes of good will and joy to all men/women and children!!!!!