Is my life's vocation. I think it goes with the territory but don't want to generalise.
Yesterday, having listened to that horrid interview...the horrid bit being my voice. I started analysing myself. Thinking that I should have said more about how bad things are for people with mental illness. Certainly those I am closest to and why I think that is the case. Then again it really wasn't that kind of interview. In some ways I see it as a wasted opportunity....although if you turn people off they rarely turn back on again..and so it goes. My cycle of self questioning. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
I even thought I was wrong to sink the Lifeboat. It was a reactive action (self protection), rather than one based on well thought out logic. I can do logic. There is a part of me that is a bit too logical at times. I just can't do it with any consistency. That may be down to having Bipolar or it could be a fundamental part of being me. I dunno????
Anyway, I started thinking I should be jazzing up my blog. Making it more personal, as the Lifeboat was, much more an expression of me (the whole blog) and then I stopped myself, dead. Okay so maybe I should have kept the Lifeboat but I didn't and now I need to be where I am..not reflecting back on what should have been.
Yes, I can update this blog but that needs to be when the mood takes me and because there is something I feel needs to be added or has a fun element that I can relate to. And I don't want to get wrapped up again (as I did at one point) with some feeling of competing....constantly checking hits to see how many I got. Am not saying it is wrong but it can become a negative distraction for me.
My prime directive is to write...as it is when it is..I need to feel that level of freedom when I blog plus there are so many other things that I question myself about and not enough hours in the day.
This song has come into my head:
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mandy
ReplyDeletethe interview was wonderful and your voice completely natural and the real you. this blog is just as good as the lifeboat and often highly personal. hopefully, many people will read your blog as a result of it and learn about what you are going through with your dad.
I think its is because you want so much to help him and yet seem powerless to do so. while those who claim - quite falsely, in my opiniion. to know how best to help him do f all for him, that is making you fell so badly about youself, and also affecting your physical health so drastically
you are a thoroughly worthwhile person and are doing more to help people who suffer from mental health problems than the whole rotten system throughout the country, including the so-called mental health charities.
lots and lots of love
margaret
Hi Margaret
ReplyDeleteI think there is a strong element of services not wanting or being able (because of policies and recoursing issues and down right laziness) to give Dad the sort of care that would help him.
There is also the issue of how much Dad can and wants to do. Whether it is all about the illness or there is something else going on with his behaviour. That I don't know, even though I am the best placed person outside of himself to judge..is difficult to judge what goes on inside someone else's mind. I think he is stuck in a cycle with himself that doesn't lead to positive places. I haven't got the answers to that.
What is true is that I feel swamped by his situation and I am not always the best person to be the constant for him.
There is alot of history (painful) between us and is hard to put that to one side and become a counsellor, carer, whatever he needs me to be at any given time.
I would settle for being his daughter but it isn't quite working out that way. I mean, I am still his daughter but I feel like I am multi tasking in the absence of...others with specific skills and also who have better capabilities.
What the therapy (and that is if it is agreed that it will be of any use and made available to me) might do is teach me better ways of dealing with myself, when dealing with him.
I don't know. I am kinda stuck myself. Teaching an old dog new tricks isn't easy.
And I agree with you that the system is pretty rottern. That won't please the appeasers but I don't think it is my job to make excuses for things that are wrong.
That is Wallace's job. Ha! Ha!
Take care there xx
Hi Mandy
ReplyDeleteI won't say stop being self critical cos I might as well say stop being you. But you really shouldn't be :)
I meant to tell you that I spent a good chunk of meeting with CC on monday discussing you, and your problems with Dad, will mail you with further details as don;t want to hijack this post/blog.
I appreciate things are difficult for you, having to take on parent/carer/MH support/nurse/counsellor etc for your Dad means you have no time to enjoy father/daughter thing and I think you need that, you are such a selfless person and it annoys me you don't get enough support. I am half tempted to jump on train head down your way, slap a bit of sense into his CC and yours and then take you both out somewhere nice. Anyway will mail you. x
Hi Lareve
ReplyDeleteGot e:mail and think is best I don't respond here. I might start blubbing again. Big thanks xxxxx
Want to catch up on how your day went.