Excommunications ..and other things to do with relationships

Have been away in the Hinterlands with myself. Actually thought I was making some progress in the earlier part of the week and I reckon if a medical personage had seen me they would say that I have been. Managed to curb Loz use (although is another on going battle), got out everyday for walkies and started to make tracks towards promoting cards and sussing out craft fairs.

Midweek it all went a bit boobs akimbo. Dr J's birthday was Wednesday and although I thought he might be spending it down the pub, had hoped that it would go relatively okayish..his end. Was not to be. His relationship with his family has always been strained (there is a history of child abuse that has left him scarred and his family in denial). Such is the problem with 'times of celebration', they often rake up the past and rather than celebrating, people (me for sure) find themselves swamped by those things that hurt the most. Dr J, gutted that his folks didn't send him a card went into a downward spiral and when his father turned up with 2 bottles of cider and a tenner the next day, it was too late for him.

From where I was standing (too close for comfort and too distant to provide any real comfort), I thought it was better that he accepted the offerings rather than let his emotions take over (and that is because, ultimately, it is he who gets hurt) but that is always much easier said than done (especially when it isn't about me)..certainly when I said "At least they actually bothered to give you something" he lost it with me and accused me of being on their side. If anything, I despise them for what they did to him as a child and how they refuse to take any responsibility for that...but it isn't about me. I thought about saying "I am actually trying to help you deal with it in the here and now" but knew anything I said would be wrong. So I shut up and listened to him raging. I stopped listening Friday, when was clear that there was a cycle of hurt, anger, hurt that I wasn't part of and was perpetuating itself. I do understand is much easier to rage at someone (other than the people who are responsible)but I also understand that if you can't do something about it then is best not to pretend you can.

The outcome of this latest sorry saga (and acid phone calls and texts back and forth) is that his father has disowned him (for the squillionth time) which means his family have disowned him because they are all scared to death of the man. Yep, is despicable behaviour...and Dr J didn't help himself by giving his father ammunition but some people don't need ammo..they are arseholes anyway!!!

The problem solver in me says "Fekk em" because he is better off without them..only when you are severed from your family there isn't always much else to rely on particularly if you are a person who struggles with social situations and is paranoid to the max around other people. Some people learn social skills, some people do it because it becomes the only way to survive outside of your family (or is a natural development from being in a supportive family) and some people are so damaged that they can't because their family has been their safety net and destruction at the same time.

For sure...there must be a better way but that would involve some heavy 'family' realisation/counselling that I doubt Dr J's father would volunteer for. Is all about the lightbulb wanting to change because it realises it was faulty in the first place!!!! And I sense the counselling should have happened way back. Perhaps it is never too late but I think this might only be resolved with an ending to a high drama relationship film where the father is on his dying bed apologising (making his peace so he gets to heaven). Is it cruel of me to want it to be happening now? yep it is, but I have no care for his father. Maybe the bloke is sick...but I don't think so. Some people are fundamentally vicious and controlling.

It got me to thinking about me...and being the half militant/half soft arse I am and whether my behaviour damages my relationships with people. The answer is yes but my situation is very different to Dr J's. My family has disintegrated and I see it as my job (in the absence of) to try and hold what's left of it together...whilst all the time trying to hold me together. Is tricky stuff and maybe medication can partly help in that (or therapy) but I have to say I seriously doubt it. Some things take much more than medication and talking to make okay. Some things you just have to endure.

And so is bank holiday Monday. Just snother day for me and am hoping the forecasted rain stays away because I want to be out in the garden with my book. As a byline, the book is called 'December' and is superb. Is about a family (Dad, Mum and Daughter - who has stopped speaking) who are fighting to hold each other together, at the same time as trying to hold on to themselves. Perhaps is not so dissimilar to some of what I feel but the writer is gifted in getting into each individual's psyche so I empathise with all the characters and not just one.