DIY Dentistry, The Zoo and Lychees

Tuesday night was spent prodding around my teeth and gums with medicated stick things. Really a vain attempt to get my facial orifice in some kind of half decent order. Yes! I should go to the dentist. I should but I won't...until I am in absolute agony that overides things like nasty flashbacks and the fear of being awake whilst someone hurts me...and just getting a whiff of the chemically smell sends me into a paranoid state. When it comes to dentist's visits I am an utter whimp. Plus I know that when I go (and I will have to go at some point....whenever) I will get alot of condiscending comments about the state I have allowed things to get in and will most probably be asked if I know what a toothbrush is.

So it was me and a box of toothpicks and I won't go into serious details because I am sure there is a general view that actually talking about what is done inside the mouth is a taboo area. In fact talking about dentists is pretty taboo. All I will say is that alot of bits of things came away and when I woke up the next morning my throat was dry as sand, my tongue felt swollen and I had one of several ulcers appearing (totally grosse stuff). I did contemplate (for all of 5 minutes) making an appointment with hell but opted for salt water mouth rinses and hope that whatever I have churned up settles down sharpish.

Yesterday was spent at the zoo. Friend and I became members (after 3 visits in a year we will have got our money back). Is value for me because I like it there. Lots of open space (out in the countryside) and animals, pretty much doing their own thing. Have long given up on my hope that there will be enough natural habitats for animals to remain in their rightful places although ideally and morally that is where they should be. It is man who has and will continue to destroy what there is, I am pleased that some of my species are prepared to try and conserve what is left of other species.

Anyway justifications for visit aside, I got out and about and it was an even better visit because it wasn't packed out. Some coach trips from schools, some parents with little un's in pushchairs, some couples and Debs and me.

My highlights were the Lemars and Giraffes. Usually, the highlight is going to see Azizah and I was particularly excited because she had a calf last year and I was keen as mustard to see him. Sadly, when we went to the Elephant section there were signs up saying that Donaldson (the calf) had died on Saturday. I felt pretty shite. I suppose because I have built up some human notion of emotional bonding with Azizah.. Is all twaddle really because animals aren't like humans and is all about how humans think animals are rather than what they are.

I wondered if she is grieving in her own way. I know elephants do grieve but apart from what I have seen on documentaries and read, I know little of it. Azizah was a rescue elephant, after her mother was shot when she was a calf. As I have written before, the trauma of that left her with an affliction in which she swings her head from side to side. More evident when she is getting stressed.

I saw her out with the other elephants yesterday. She was separate to them. Like she had chosen to remain private. I didn't see her swinging her head from side to side. I guess that is a good sign because the zoo staff have been working with her to get her to control that...although I don't like the control of one species over another...I do like to think that she no longer does it because she is no longer controlled by the trauma she had as a calf.

Anyway, I am imposing my own values on what I think Azizah is feeling and I don't know really but is sad, for me, that Donaldson died.

Was sort of deflated and not up for much else, although I didn't want to pressure Debs. She said her back was starting to hurt so I suggested we go see the farm animals (her favs) and then head off. Which we duly did.

I was knackered out by then. Am not used to the outside (even an outside place I like to be) and when we got back to Debs' for a cuppa all I really wanted to do was sleep. I thought when I got home I would sleep but the phone never stopped ringing and then I couldn't sleep and became pre-occupied with the ulcerated mouth situation. It doesn't take much to get me from holding it together to neurosis overload. Dr J rang and I was impatient with him. Was not him but that I didn't want to talk to anyone anymore. He said I seemed distracted. I said I didn't feel so good and was heading off. I am too pre-occupied with other people's comfort. I felt a heel and later rang back and apologised for abruptness but really if someone wants a bit of space and calm, surely if they say that then they should be given it. Oh, I dunno maybe when I am wiry I can't see anything for what it is.


Anyway, today is my birthday. Last week I was mentally cancelling it. Thinking of ways to avoid it ....only making it public amongst friends and loved ones would serve to make more of an issue of it. 'The lady doth protest too much' and all that. So I let it all be. I did decide to treat myself when I did the internet shop. Lately, I have been cutting back on what I order because the price of food seems to go up and on a weekly basis but this week I thought "Sod it" and ordered lychees. A rare treat indeed.

I am accepting my birthday with good grace. I shall endeavour not to be crabby and I shall eat my lychees and be grateful that I am lucky enough to have them to eat... but first, I shall return to my bed for a little snooze.