I think I have gone past the point where I can control my lorazepam intake. Not that I am taking 10 a day, or dropping 3 or 4 at a time but I have, until now, prided myself on being able to stick within a daily limit.
I can no longer do that. Some of that could be due to tolerance (although the counter argument could be that I spent nearly all of last year taking less than and up to 1.5 mg per day) but, I think, it is really down to the fact that I am breaking down.
It is something I know from past experience. Waking up hyperventilating...constant chundling that leads to more chundling, flapping about everything and nothing and ultimately seeing little or no point to my existance and then fighting that.
People can be pushed too far but that doesn't stop them being pushed even more. I feel that local MH services are neglecting my father (cruelly so) and the torment he suffers and torment I can't contain in myself ....we have nowhere to go with this but down and out.
I have wanted..so much..if not to be able to stay on top of things to at least be able to co exist with them. It is impossible. I just can't do that and the only way to be able to deal with the now is to sedate it.
If I had any belief..the tiniest bit...that MH services would provide a better level of care (more appropriate) for my father then I think I would have a more positive outlook...some faith that I could get through this and heal a bit myself.
I am a fighter. I don't give up at the first hurdle but I am not a marathon runner either and am really at a loss. I think Trust staff would be relieved if I killed myself. It would get me off their backs and they could leave Dad to rot without anyone questioning why.
Had thought about going back to GP to ask about another medication that might work with lorazepam to keep me on a more even keel but the whole issue of what is the right medication for my illness and possible trial on another anti-psychotic prevent me taking that step.
It isn't all about medication. Often it is about the right kind of support being in place and accessable.
Off for another round of walkies round the crazy maze of a garden (not like a teddy bear and without the tickles)
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I'm sorry things are so foul just now. I hope they improve. Battling against our local MH services is, as I know, so dispiriting. Have you thought about passing on what you have written here to your CC? Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteServices seem to have the right kind of support available for themselves. Trust executives salaries and mortgages get paid no matter what even when as in SLaM's case they provide the worst community services in the country - can you imagine a real world business keeping on a CEO who achieved that abysmal record?
ReplyDeleteThe reality is mental health is an area that people just dont care about so its low expectations and MH professionals who just cant be arsed to do anything all round.