Nor will I apologise for not 'conforming' to the 'accepted norms' (heartily reinforced by MH moguls) ...and if they lower themselves down from their ivory towers and read this - Yes you are all useless, wasting, self serving, wankers who have betrayed people. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves rather than patting each other on the back and giving yourselves awards for such betrayals.
Haven't ventured myself to other blogs...due to sense that there has been a conserted effort to water down mental illness, to make those who have it feel more ashamed to admit that in spite of the myriad of recovery agendas....propoganda campaigns and the millions of pounds that have gone down the swanny (even the civil servants can't put their hands on the exact amounts)...that there are still many of us flaying about trying to exist...STILL ILL!!!!
I don't need pep talks about personal responsiblity....I get my arse out of bed every morning, keep house, pay bills, go walkabouts...brush my teeth a couple of times a day and do my bit to mingle pleasantly with other members of the race I come into contact with, such times I am outside.
I don't need to be sent newsletters with pictures of 'Recovery Ron', half way up Mount Everest with the by line "This could be you" followed by phone calls from a MH charity asking me for a donation, although the last one that rang got a direct question in regards to where the money actually goes and couldn't answer it. Well, if I don't know where the money is going..then it isn't going from me to them. If I want this stuff, I will go find it for myself...and I don't.
I am heartened by and glad for those who do feel better (or feel they are heading in the right direction) but I am sickened by those who constantly manipulate in order to preserve some central control and dictate over what is other people's states of being and dumbfounded that so many believe the shit that is pumped out or, at the very least, are too scared to challenge it.
Like these organisations have the right to scare people into compliance, whether people believe in it or not.
I am scared of things in myself (my experiences/feelings past and present) but I am not scared of any of them and I won't be mediocritized into 3 point planning a recovery of their making.
Have ventured to Aethelread's blog. I don't blame him for not wanting open debates. Sometimes...the need to hold what there is of the core together is more important than allowing others to have democratic input...and anyway....often as not the pack dictates the level of democracy and don't delude yourself that blogland is any less 'pack' dominated than other walks of life. I certainly have taken a few sharp blows because I have kept comments open. I won't change that but that is my choice. I give out and I take back.....and I will keep giving out cos I am nobody's PATSY!!!!
I mentioned A's blog because of his reference to another pack. I don't do packs anymore and I certainly don't mix well with academic packs because they often miss the plot when it comes to feelings and experiences (real lives) and theorise rather than empathise. Too damn right abuse is rife in care services....and too damn right there is no accountability because that is not what is wanted (on high). It's all seeping through the cracks now with NHS Trusts (at last) being shown up for the messes they are in. The staff will blame the management, the management will try and get the lawyers to damage limit..the government will deny any responsibility..but I sense more horror stories to follow. I can hope that the overseeing bodies have the power to implement change but fear that 'bureaucracy' and pre-occupations of politicians (in regards to personal political survival) will prevent much of anything that will lead to improvements.
So another turn of the roundabout begins.
Someone spoke to me about the need for 'Champions' the other day. I think they saw themselves as a bit of a champion. Problem being they were aligned to another quango which in turn was aligned to several other quangos and so it goes. I dunno about champions but people with some savvy (and resources...independant of government funding) to develop something more democratic is long overdue. Yeah same old same as dilemmas.
Maybe just maybe the government withdrawing funding from charities will encourage them to be more independant.....or they may go under. I would rather have no charities than those acting 'undemocratically'.
And getting rid of the 'Celeb a thons'...as another friend said, those celebs who would turn up at the opening of an envelope to get some publicity...that would be good too.
Would it stop me getting depressed? Nah, but it would stop me thinking that people are being shafted something rottern for the chosen few.
Wednesday, 2 December 2009
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
The rise and rise of the bourjois busybodies
Haven't felt need to write a blog post.
Illness and winter = intertia
However, and as usual, am jolted back into 'angry mode' by latest politically correct do gooders (all of whom you could count the good they have done on an empty abbacus) laying into Morrisey and his comments on suicide being honourable.
Now everyone has opinions on suicide and more so those who have taken their own lives but what twats me off the most is these 'charitable figureheads' prattling on about the damage Morrisey's views do to others. Bollocks...and utter bollocks that is.
I doubt Tommy's decision to take his own life was based on any celebrity's stance on suicide and I actually think that there was some honour in Tommy's suicide. More so his absolute right to take his life if he felt it the only option for him. Could debate community's and local charity's role in his downfall alongside punitive attempts by MH Trust at providing appropropriate treatment and care for him, as the individual he was. Tommy is gone, FACT and all the meddlings of the middle classes at the 'soundbite' level aren't going to change that or much for anyone else who feels suicidal/attempts suicide in future. They really do over-estimate their significance in relation to real lives and deaths.
Going off on a tangent here because I have many thoughts bouncing around in my head about this....there is and should always be artistic license in an artist's work. I doubt the MH PC police would be seeking to have every copy of 'Romeo and Juliet' banished from the world because one of the key characters kills herself...and certainly her suicide is portrayed as 'honourable' (well I think so...but that could be another cause for debate).
Morrisey is an artist and one whose illness and experiences are reflected in his work. You don't have to like it. Is optional to buy it...but he sings and talks about what is real to him. A rarity in this world of highly commercialised and conveyor belt production music.
I guess if I heard one comment come forth from the mouths of the (doing nicely out of this racket) 'MH representatives', I might feel more inclined to let some crass statement by La Wallace go but, for fekk sake, is really like listening to a passerby telling a young child off for stealing a lolly from a shop, when, behind their back, a group of public shcool boys are ransacking the place..and that is giving La Wallace the benefit of the doubt. I actually think she is acutely aware of the games that are being played and rather deal with pressing issues such as the destruction of the NHS and betrayal of people with mental illness by charities...making a comment about Morrissey is more likely to guarantee her getting an interview with the media.
Shoddy, below the belt and typical of how these 'self proclaimed' figureheads behave.
The sooner they fekk off and find something useful to do...like stacking shelves in Sainsburies...the better!!!!!
Illness and winter = intertia
However, and as usual, am jolted back into 'angry mode' by latest politically correct do gooders (all of whom you could count the good they have done on an empty abbacus) laying into Morrisey and his comments on suicide being honourable.
Now everyone has opinions on suicide and more so those who have taken their own lives but what twats me off the most is these 'charitable figureheads' prattling on about the damage Morrisey's views do to others. Bollocks...and utter bollocks that is.
I doubt Tommy's decision to take his own life was based on any celebrity's stance on suicide and I actually think that there was some honour in Tommy's suicide. More so his absolute right to take his life if he felt it the only option for him. Could debate community's and local charity's role in his downfall alongside punitive attempts by MH Trust at providing appropropriate treatment and care for him, as the individual he was. Tommy is gone, FACT and all the meddlings of the middle classes at the 'soundbite' level aren't going to change that or much for anyone else who feels suicidal/attempts suicide in future. They really do over-estimate their significance in relation to real lives and deaths.
Going off on a tangent here because I have many thoughts bouncing around in my head about this....there is and should always be artistic license in an artist's work. I doubt the MH PC police would be seeking to have every copy of 'Romeo and Juliet' banished from the world because one of the key characters kills herself...and certainly her suicide is portrayed as 'honourable' (well I think so...but that could be another cause for debate).
Morrisey is an artist and one whose illness and experiences are reflected in his work. You don't have to like it. Is optional to buy it...but he sings and talks about what is real to him. A rarity in this world of highly commercialised and conveyor belt production music.
I guess if I heard one comment come forth from the mouths of the (doing nicely out of this racket) 'MH representatives', I might feel more inclined to let some crass statement by La Wallace go but, for fekk sake, is really like listening to a passerby telling a young child off for stealing a lolly from a shop, when, behind their back, a group of public shcool boys are ransacking the place..and that is giving La Wallace the benefit of the doubt. I actually think she is acutely aware of the games that are being played and rather deal with pressing issues such as the destruction of the NHS and betrayal of people with mental illness by charities...making a comment about Morrissey is more likely to guarantee her getting an interview with the media.
Shoddy, below the belt and typical of how these 'self proclaimed' figureheads behave.
The sooner they fekk off and find something useful to do...like stacking shelves in Sainsburies...the better!!!!!
Tuesday, 3 November 2009
'Being Boring' .....and other facts of life
Know I haven't posted for ages....sometimes I would rather not and so I didn't. Is not like any cake is going to spoil because am not around watching the oven....Lives go on (in their varying ways) and such is how it is.
Blogging today cos I feel like it but can't see it being an everyday thing....it gets pretty monot after a while and I really can't be doing with flowering myself up just to get some attention. I know cynical hag...so what?
I gather (although was not party to any of it...not doing the Twitter thing) that Stephen Fry got a strop on cos somebody made a comment that his work was getting a bit boring.
He was threatening to leave Twitter etc. I found that quite pathetic really..and yeah I know I am not Mr Fry's biggest fan but he is not a child. Someone commented to me that it doesn't matter what walk of life you are in, if you have mental illness then you should be shown compassion (as in I was not showing him compassion). I actually think that it is more to do with dramatics and over-reacting than anything else. Sure the Fry fanatics will be seeing me as Satan's sister but it is about context and it is about what is actually going on in people's lives rather than 1 non flattering comment in an otherwise adoring following. Perhaps he is so cossetted and has got to a point where he believes all he should get is fawning but I don't think that does anyone any favours really.
In fact, I think I should thank those who have taken time to come on my blog and had a real pop (even though some were as true to themselves as Britain's commitment to peace keeping in the world).
I don't actually think it is okay to be spiteful and venal but it doesn't hurt to reality check (even when you have an illness...maybe it is more important to reality check when you have an illness because there is a vast amount of fakery in this world).
Bottom line is, I think, Stephen Fry acted like a big girl's blouse but I understand all is fine in his Twitter camp...apologies and group hugs abounded..and he can carry on Twittering to his heart's content and those who find him a bit boring will, no doubt, steer clear. After all who would want to feel responsible for the man's departure from that arena????
And so my life carries on ('girl interrupted' enough by such revelations to make comment on her own blog). Still waiting for the local MH Trust to make a decision on which care home it wants to cough up any dosh to send Dad to. The preferred one (by all) having raised it's charges and budget holders recoiling at that face. That situation has rattled on for about a month now.
Dad doesn't want to see me because I really am a She Devil who dared to agree with the shrink that he should try and do a few things (OT..such as it is) and coming out for walks with me. First and last rule of being a daughter - when father is ill: You will be compromised to the max!!!! Actually, that is my interpretation. Dad is just saying he is too ill to see me. Could be paranoia on my part but I know Dad and I know he can sulk for the world when he feels he has been treated unjustly (well, everyone can but it doesn't solve anything....except maybe to serve some sense of personal affrontage).
I have made an appointment to talk to his shrink on Thursday...about compromised positions and to ask him if he really knows what the heck is going on (treatment, longer term aims) and my peripheral role as it is).
I have been advised that a Direct Payment is the next step for me and positive noises are being fed back about chances of getting it. I am not going to hold my breath. Am on 3rd care co-ordinator, this year. But if the application is made and successful, I might just get that consistency I need in my care plan...and life. That is consistency outside of myself...which is still a work in progress.
The big plus is the time I am spending with my daughter. We have a once a week (sometimes twice) time that is ours and it is great. Last week we went shopping in Milton Keynes and yesterday we went swimming.
There's still a bloody great hole in my life but accept that it will be what it will be, whilst I carry on carrying on and until such time as. In the meantime, I do what I can when I can and when I can't I don't.
Non revelationary rallying cries from here..nothing to print in a recovery newsletter. It's maintenance as usual!!
Blogging today cos I feel like it but can't see it being an everyday thing....it gets pretty monot after a while and I really can't be doing with flowering myself up just to get some attention. I know cynical hag...so what?
I gather (although was not party to any of it...not doing the Twitter thing) that Stephen Fry got a strop on cos somebody made a comment that his work was getting a bit boring.
He was threatening to leave Twitter etc. I found that quite pathetic really..and yeah I know I am not Mr Fry's biggest fan but he is not a child. Someone commented to me that it doesn't matter what walk of life you are in, if you have mental illness then you should be shown compassion (as in I was not showing him compassion). I actually think that it is more to do with dramatics and over-reacting than anything else. Sure the Fry fanatics will be seeing me as Satan's sister but it is about context and it is about what is actually going on in people's lives rather than 1 non flattering comment in an otherwise adoring following. Perhaps he is so cossetted and has got to a point where he believes all he should get is fawning but I don't think that does anyone any favours really.
In fact, I think I should thank those who have taken time to come on my blog and had a real pop (even though some were as true to themselves as Britain's commitment to peace keeping in the world).
I don't actually think it is okay to be spiteful and venal but it doesn't hurt to reality check (even when you have an illness...maybe it is more important to reality check when you have an illness because there is a vast amount of fakery in this world).
Bottom line is, I think, Stephen Fry acted like a big girl's blouse but I understand all is fine in his Twitter camp...apologies and group hugs abounded..and he can carry on Twittering to his heart's content and those who find him a bit boring will, no doubt, steer clear. After all who would want to feel responsible for the man's departure from that arena????
And so my life carries on ('girl interrupted' enough by such revelations to make comment on her own blog). Still waiting for the local MH Trust to make a decision on which care home it wants to cough up any dosh to send Dad to. The preferred one (by all) having raised it's charges and budget holders recoiling at that face. That situation has rattled on for about a month now.
Dad doesn't want to see me because I really am a She Devil who dared to agree with the shrink that he should try and do a few things (OT..such as it is) and coming out for walks with me. First and last rule of being a daughter - when father is ill: You will be compromised to the max!!!! Actually, that is my interpretation. Dad is just saying he is too ill to see me. Could be paranoia on my part but I know Dad and I know he can sulk for the world when he feels he has been treated unjustly (well, everyone can but it doesn't solve anything....except maybe to serve some sense of personal affrontage).
I have made an appointment to talk to his shrink on Thursday...about compromised positions and to ask him if he really knows what the heck is going on (treatment, longer term aims) and my peripheral role as it is).
I have been advised that a Direct Payment is the next step for me and positive noises are being fed back about chances of getting it. I am not going to hold my breath. Am on 3rd care co-ordinator, this year. But if the application is made and successful, I might just get that consistency I need in my care plan...and life. That is consistency outside of myself...which is still a work in progress.
The big plus is the time I am spending with my daughter. We have a once a week (sometimes twice) time that is ours and it is great. Last week we went shopping in Milton Keynes and yesterday we went swimming.
There's still a bloody great hole in my life but accept that it will be what it will be, whilst I carry on carrying on and until such time as. In the meantime, I do what I can when I can and when I can't I don't.
Non revelationary rallying cries from here..nothing to print in a recovery newsletter. It's maintenance as usual!!
Friday, 9 October 2009
There is no normal service to resume
Having felt slight reassurance from Minister for Care Services who, supposedly, stated that DLA payments were not under threat of being axed, it now seems that there has been a complete change around with charities claiming it is too late to save DLA and government murmerings that is more likey that DLA will have to be reformed (away).
What with time of year, overall feelings of debilitation and lack of optimism about the future of this country (under any government) plus strange goings on at 'review meeting' with Dad and visit to back consultant with friend (and the case of the disappearing and reappearing cyst and her being advised by said consultant that the best thing she can do is pray)...feel like I am living in the Twighlight Zone.
Just waiting for the next punch in the stomach.
Not much more to add. C'est la shitty vie.
What with time of year, overall feelings of debilitation and lack of optimism about the future of this country (under any government) plus strange goings on at 'review meeting' with Dad and visit to back consultant with friend (and the case of the disappearing and reappearing cyst and her being advised by said consultant that the best thing she can do is pray)...feel like I am living in the Twighlight Zone.
Just waiting for the next punch in the stomach.
Not much more to add. C'est la shitty vie.
Monday, 5 October 2009
Cannot be doing with Autumn...because
Winter is just around the corner!!!!!
It hit me today. The sudden flatness....the grey dankness of it all.
2 months to Christmas which I am cancelling on the grounds of having not much to celebrate. Real bah humbug stuff.
Managed a walk to local shops and back but felt bleugh. Spent most of day on facebook playing at Mafia. Encitment to violence? Nah? Just something more interesting than nothing to do.
Visited care home with Dad on Friday. Wasn't a good day for doing that because the joys of womanhood arrived and had the dizzy wizzy woo woos. Panick attacked (most of the way) as I walked to town. Don't know how I managed to interact without being the obvious loony daughter. Dad was outranking me on that score by telling everyone he wanted to die, whilst I tried to say that things could get better for him in the home.
It was very nice actually. Have heard such horror stories but this is a small place....bit like a guest house. Houses 6 residents and all the residents there (and staff) are female (something, I think, Dad would be comfortable with...he prefers female company to males). Dad was pre-occupied with saying how his life had fallen apart and he can't get it back together. Hmmm.
Actually, am emotionally barren now...except deeper stuff that wells up every so often and pours out (in private).
When daughter and me visited him again Friday night and he was telling us how he couldn't understand where it all went wrong and how he got to this...I felt compromised. I am trying to help him...but I can't. He is so gone and I can't bring him back. I tried to explain where I think the turn happened but I couldn't explain why (that is somewhere deep inside him..or deep enough for him not to want to share it).
Em and me both feel and shared, with him, our view that the care home seems the best of not many options and compared to other homes would seem to suit his needs, he took some kind of umbridge because he told us it was time for us to go.
He does act like a petulant or sulky child, at times. Is very frustrating and I don't know how I haven't just screamed my head off but somehow I know that is futile. Have felt it best to try to stay calm and then come home and collapse in drained heap.
I don't know whether he will agree to go in the home but I think and feel that if he goes back to his flat it won't be long before he tries to take his life again. Maybe, people think that is over-reacting but I don't want services to take that chance with him.
Oh dear. Roll on spring and hopefully some resolve of this dire situation.
Have planned to go and stay with friends in Derbyshire at end of October. Not in right place to be excited about it but feel the time away might help a bit. Friends there are nurturing and undemanding. Ho hum!
It hit me today. The sudden flatness....the grey dankness of it all.
2 months to Christmas which I am cancelling on the grounds of having not much to celebrate. Real bah humbug stuff.
Managed a walk to local shops and back but felt bleugh. Spent most of day on facebook playing at Mafia. Encitment to violence? Nah? Just something more interesting than nothing to do.
Visited care home with Dad on Friday. Wasn't a good day for doing that because the joys of womanhood arrived and had the dizzy wizzy woo woos. Panick attacked (most of the way) as I walked to town. Don't know how I managed to interact without being the obvious loony daughter. Dad was outranking me on that score by telling everyone he wanted to die, whilst I tried to say that things could get better for him in the home.
It was very nice actually. Have heard such horror stories but this is a small place....bit like a guest house. Houses 6 residents and all the residents there (and staff) are female (something, I think, Dad would be comfortable with...he prefers female company to males). Dad was pre-occupied with saying how his life had fallen apart and he can't get it back together. Hmmm.
Actually, am emotionally barren now...except deeper stuff that wells up every so often and pours out (in private).
When daughter and me visited him again Friday night and he was telling us how he couldn't understand where it all went wrong and how he got to this...I felt compromised. I am trying to help him...but I can't. He is so gone and I can't bring him back. I tried to explain where I think the turn happened but I couldn't explain why (that is somewhere deep inside him..or deep enough for him not to want to share it).
Em and me both feel and shared, with him, our view that the care home seems the best of not many options and compared to other homes would seem to suit his needs, he took some kind of umbridge because he told us it was time for us to go.
He does act like a petulant or sulky child, at times. Is very frustrating and I don't know how I haven't just screamed my head off but somehow I know that is futile. Have felt it best to try to stay calm and then come home and collapse in drained heap.
I don't know whether he will agree to go in the home but I think and feel that if he goes back to his flat it won't be long before he tries to take his life again. Maybe, people think that is over-reacting but I don't want services to take that chance with him.
Oh dear. Roll on spring and hopefully some resolve of this dire situation.
Have planned to go and stay with friends in Derbyshire at end of October. Not in right place to be excited about it but feel the time away might help a bit. Friends there are nurturing and undemanding. Ho hum!
Thursday, 1 October 2009
Not merging but drowning
Actually, the title is not as close to what is happening as could be but is more relevant to what I think is happening to patients whilst the merger/take-over/whatever people choose to call it of Beds and Luton MH Partnerships goes ahead.
I have, as commented in response to Lareve, heard murmurs of massive savings (double figure millions of pounds) needed to be done by my local MH Trust in order to be fit for purpose of merger and gaining Foundation Status.
I had also heard that the merger was imminent but haven't been informed of anything definate, as yet. I am a bit out of touch so it could have already happened.
Makes lastest communication back from MP more poignant to me. He has written to Director of local Social Services asking what can be done for me in regards to my particular needs. That was good of him (and not a hint of sarcasm) because he has been the only person (in postion to do much of anything) that has stuck by me.
With STR worker on extended sick leave and my gut feeling is they are not going to return (and if they don't, they won't be replaced)...and the change-overs of care co-ordinators... and missing (never actually arrived) care support worker, I have no faith that my care needs will be met (with much consistency) by MH services. It would be nice to think that they could but you gotta live in the real world.
So an assessment (by Social Services) for a Direct Payment..and more so if it provides me with someone to escort me to such things as swimming... could fill the gap that the unmet care plan has left. The Direct Payment could provide the person and a set amount of their time and I could pay for transport. Sounds like a fair deal to me. Not sure Social Services will see it that way but I have a dream. Ha! ha!
In spite of the fact that there is minimul support going on here, I think I am doing well not to have lost plot entirely. I have walked to town and back, by myself, a couple of times, and had lunch in a cafe, by myself, and it felt okay. The problem is the blips in between. Like I have a good day and mission accomplished and then go wobbly again (where I am fighting demons alone and losing). Such is the nature of the beast...but no one could, justifiably, accuse me of not trying.
Am keeping away from the co-dependancy relationship that had another violent eruption a few weeks back. Am clocking that habit and that type of co-dependancy break down any chances of having healthier relationships with others as well as myself (not that I am looking for romance nor want it right now)..and is not like I didn't know better or don't. Is just so hard, when you are on your own, not to cave in and that is down to my own weakness as well as others.
As an only child, I should be used to loneliness but the events of my life (personal and illness related) have left me feeling lonelier than ever. I acknowledge that..as pragmatically as I can....but it still hurts.
And I certainly don't need or want a network of people running around doing for me...just some consistency from those whose job it is to provide support...to help me to branch out and maybe gain some confidence in doing things that are good for me. I like the idea of being part of a swimming club but there is no way I could go in cold...particularly as I am going to come out cold (literally not metaphorically..as in from the water). Hmmm...I am certainly prepared to meet services half way. After all, at present, it is me doing all the work. Just can't help visualising it all going tits akimbo again.
Still, I am alive and not crawling around the floor, wailing. I consider that a plus.
For now, doing me the best to hold on to what ground I have and make the best of the good days.
I have, as commented in response to Lareve, heard murmurs of massive savings (double figure millions of pounds) needed to be done by my local MH Trust in order to be fit for purpose of merger and gaining Foundation Status.
I had also heard that the merger was imminent but haven't been informed of anything definate, as yet. I am a bit out of touch so it could have already happened.
Makes lastest communication back from MP more poignant to me. He has written to Director of local Social Services asking what can be done for me in regards to my particular needs. That was good of him (and not a hint of sarcasm) because he has been the only person (in postion to do much of anything) that has stuck by me.
With STR worker on extended sick leave and my gut feeling is they are not going to return (and if they don't, they won't be replaced)...and the change-overs of care co-ordinators... and missing (never actually arrived) care support worker, I have no faith that my care needs will be met (with much consistency) by MH services. It would be nice to think that they could but you gotta live in the real world.
So an assessment (by Social Services) for a Direct Payment..and more so if it provides me with someone to escort me to such things as swimming... could fill the gap that the unmet care plan has left. The Direct Payment could provide the person and a set amount of their time and I could pay for transport. Sounds like a fair deal to me. Not sure Social Services will see it that way but I have a dream. Ha! ha!
In spite of the fact that there is minimul support going on here, I think I am doing well not to have lost plot entirely. I have walked to town and back, by myself, a couple of times, and had lunch in a cafe, by myself, and it felt okay. The problem is the blips in between. Like I have a good day and mission accomplished and then go wobbly again (where I am fighting demons alone and losing). Such is the nature of the beast...but no one could, justifiably, accuse me of not trying.
Am keeping away from the co-dependancy relationship that had another violent eruption a few weeks back. Am clocking that habit and that type of co-dependancy break down any chances of having healthier relationships with others as well as myself (not that I am looking for romance nor want it right now)..and is not like I didn't know better or don't. Is just so hard, when you are on your own, not to cave in and that is down to my own weakness as well as others.
As an only child, I should be used to loneliness but the events of my life (personal and illness related) have left me feeling lonelier than ever. I acknowledge that..as pragmatically as I can....but it still hurts.
And I certainly don't need or want a network of people running around doing for me...just some consistency from those whose job it is to provide support...to help me to branch out and maybe gain some confidence in doing things that are good for me. I like the idea of being part of a swimming club but there is no way I could go in cold...particularly as I am going to come out cold (literally not metaphorically..as in from the water). Hmmm...I am certainly prepared to meet services half way. After all, at present, it is me doing all the work. Just can't help visualising it all going tits akimbo again.
Still, I am alive and not crawling around the floor, wailing. I consider that a plus.
For now, doing me the best to hold on to what ground I have and make the best of the good days.
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