I'M FUCKING DEPRESSED AND NOT GOING TO APOLOGISE FOR IT

Nor will I apologise for not 'conforming' to the 'accepted norms' (heartily reinforced by MH moguls) ...and if they lower themselves down from their ivory towers and read this - Yes you are all useless, wasting, self serving, wankers who have betrayed people. You should be fucking ashamed of yourselves rather than patting each other on the back and giving yourselves awards for such betrayals.

Haven't ventured myself to other blogs...due to sense that there has been a conserted effort to water down mental illness, to make those who have it feel more ashamed to admit that in spite of the myriad of recovery agendas....propoganda campaigns and the millions of pounds that have gone down the swanny (even the civil servants can't put their hands on the exact amounts)...that there are still many of us flaying about trying to exist...STILL ILL!!!!

I don't need pep talks about personal responsiblity....I get my arse out of bed every morning, keep house, pay bills, go walkabouts...brush my teeth a couple of times a day and do my bit to mingle pleasantly with other members of the race I come into contact with, such times I am outside.

I don't need to be sent newsletters with pictures of 'Recovery Ron', half way up Mount Everest with the by line "This could be you" followed by phone calls from a MH charity asking me for a donation, although the last one that rang got a direct question in regards to where the money actually goes and couldn't answer it. Well, if I don't know where the money is going..then it isn't going from me to them. If I want this stuff, I will go find it for myself...and I don't.

I am heartened by and glad for those who do feel better (or feel they are heading in the right direction) but I am sickened by those who constantly manipulate in order to preserve some central control and dictate over what is other people's states of being and dumbfounded that so many believe the shit that is pumped out or, at the very least, are too scared to challenge it.

Like these organisations have the right to scare people into compliance, whether people believe in it or not.

I am scared of things in myself (my experiences/feelings past and present) but I am not scared of any of them and I won't be mediocritized into 3 point planning a recovery of their making.

Have ventured to Aethelread's blog. I don't blame him for not wanting open debates. Sometimes...the need to hold what there is of the core together is more important than allowing others to have democratic input...and anyway....often as not the pack dictates the level of democracy and don't delude yourself that blogland is any less 'pack' dominated than other walks of life. I certainly have taken a few sharp blows because I have kept comments open. I won't change that but that is my choice. I give out and I take back.....and I will keep giving out cos I am nobody's PATSY!!!!

I mentioned A's blog because of his reference to another pack. I don't do packs anymore and I certainly don't mix well with academic packs because they often miss the plot when it comes to feelings and experiences (real lives) and theorise rather than empathise. Too damn right abuse is rife in care services....and too damn right there is no accountability because that is not what is wanted (on high). It's all seeping through the cracks now with NHS Trusts (at last) being shown up for the messes they are in. The staff will blame the management, the management will try and get the lawyers to damage limit..the government will deny any responsibility..but I sense more horror stories to follow. I can hope that the overseeing bodies have the power to implement change but fear that 'bureaucracy' and pre-occupations of politicians (in regards to personal political survival) will prevent much of anything that will lead to improvements.

So another turn of the roundabout begins.

Someone spoke to me about the need for 'Champions' the other day. I think they saw themselves as a bit of a champion. Problem being they were aligned to another quango which in turn was aligned to several other quangos and so it goes. I dunno about champions but people with some savvy (and resources...independant of government funding) to develop something more democratic is long overdue. Yeah same old same as dilemmas.

Maybe just maybe the government withdrawing funding from charities will encourage them to be more independant.....or they may go under. I would rather have no charities than those acting 'undemocratically'.

And getting rid of the 'Celeb a thons'...as another friend said, those celebs who would turn up at the opening of an envelope to get some publicity...that would be good too.

Would it stop me getting depressed? Nah, but it would stop me thinking that people are being shafted something rottern for the chosen few.