Winter is just around the corner!!!!!
It hit me today. The sudden flatness....the grey dankness of it all.
2 months to Christmas which I am cancelling on the grounds of having not much to celebrate. Real bah humbug stuff.
Managed a walk to local shops and back but felt bleugh. Spent most of day on facebook playing at Mafia. Encitment to violence? Nah? Just something more interesting than nothing to do.
Visited care home with Dad on Friday. Wasn't a good day for doing that because the joys of womanhood arrived and had the dizzy wizzy woo woos. Panick attacked (most of the way) as I walked to town. Don't know how I managed to interact without being the obvious loony daughter. Dad was outranking me on that score by telling everyone he wanted to die, whilst I tried to say that things could get better for him in the home.
It was very nice actually. Have heard such horror stories but this is a small place....bit like a guest house. Houses 6 residents and all the residents there (and staff) are female (something, I think, Dad would be comfortable with...he prefers female company to males). Dad was pre-occupied with saying how his life had fallen apart and he can't get it back together. Hmmm.
Actually, am emotionally barren now...except deeper stuff that wells up every so often and pours out (in private).
When daughter and me visited him again Friday night and he was telling us how he couldn't understand where it all went wrong and how he got to this...I felt compromised. I am trying to help him...but I can't. He is so gone and I can't bring him back. I tried to explain where I think the turn happened but I couldn't explain why (that is somewhere deep inside him..or deep enough for him not to want to share it).
Em and me both feel and shared, with him, our view that the care home seems the best of not many options and compared to other homes would seem to suit his needs, he took some kind of umbridge because he told us it was time for us to go.
He does act like a petulant or sulky child, at times. Is very frustrating and I don't know how I haven't just screamed my head off but somehow I know that is futile. Have felt it best to try to stay calm and then come home and collapse in drained heap.
I don't know whether he will agree to go in the home but I think and feel that if he goes back to his flat it won't be long before he tries to take his life again. Maybe, people think that is over-reacting but I don't want services to take that chance with him.
Oh dear. Roll on spring and hopefully some resolve of this dire situation.
Have planned to go and stay with friends in Derbyshire at end of October. Not in right place to be excited about it but feel the time away might help a bit. Friends there are nurturing and undemanding. Ho hum!
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I had that 'flat' feeling when summer started. Sitting in my car with the sunshine pouring in and somehow I didn't believe that winter would ever end. I'd become so accustomed to being cold somehow, but I know what you mean, it's a strange feeling.
ReplyDeleteLife isn't consistent either. Forever changing, good times/bad times that never last. How do you accept things as they are without harping back to happier times and wondering where it all went wrong? It's just the way it is, and always will be. I hope your dear Dad does get settled in his new home with all those ladies for company. It will be another one of the many changes that occur and hopefully one that will lift his spirits (and in turn yours) back up. Take care Mandy, I'll see you on the facebook thingy later lovely lady xxx
Hi Mandy
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about feeling a little aprehensive about approaching winter. Recently have been finding it difficult to get out and about and leave the house so I'm sure the cold weather and frosty morning will see me being somewhat of a recluse if not careful.
I hope for your sake as much as his your Dad doesn't just return to his flat. It would render the last few months pointless and likely result in further bad times for you both and likely in lead up to xmas, which is stressful in its self.
Will try and mail you soon
Take care
x
Hi CC
ReplyDeleteIt's always seems so strange and yet I do look back and know that every year has been the same. As soon as autumn rears it's head, I start to dip.
Considering the year (and the year before) I wonder how I have made it till now. I don't know but there have been some personal achievements and ups. I have fought on when I thought I had nothing left.
There must still be something left. Apart from the pain. Depression always makes everything bleak so I have to accept that and try to grit teeth a bit more and most probably take more loz. OMG cycles within cycles that lead back to more cycles and 'professional concern' that amounts to not much else, for me, but feeling like a failure.
How many months till spring? Maybe I will get to see hedgehogs skuttling around the garden at night and little birds nesslin' in the bird house. Things like that lighten my day (well for a while).
I finally got my solar night lights working in the garden. They look pretty groovy and I got round to making some sauce with the parsley I grew from seed.
Not making much progress on the card front and with Mr Cameron on the 'bash the incapacitated' war front am inclined to be drawing purse strings tighter pending natzi style re-assessments and 'newer new deals' on the horizon.
I like my MP but I hate the party he is affiliated to. Argggh!!!!!!
Rambling so will head off..well after I have replied to Lareve.
Take care there sweetie xxx
Hi Lareve
ReplyDeleteThis time of year can be absolute shite for people who have bipolar. I know of a couple of people, locally, who get iller in winter, although wouldn't want to generalise.
Fact that the C word is slap bang in the middle of it all does nothing to lift my spirits. More like some 'emotional' Krypton Factor that I know I am going to lose but have to go through anyway.
Maybe there is still some sunny days to come. They do make quite a bit of difference to me. Yesterday, I was out in the garden with Suki, and mostly watching a tiny bird eating off the sunflower bell I put out. Which prompted me to think of getting a book on garden birds. I could become a Twitter (but won't stretch to buying an anorak..maybe a cheap pair of binoculars Ha!)
So...the nights draw in..the cold creeps in the the bones and it is out with the thermals and hot water bottles.
Look forward to hearing from you.
Hang on in there..like the options are all that.
xxx
Winter just round the corner? I'm envious Mandy. Fog, rain, snow, sleet, grey dank and flat, seriously, nothing lifts my mood more than that sort of weather. My daughter is the same. If we get up in the morning and the TV weatherman is apologising, then you can bet we'll soon be high-fiving :)
ReplyDeleteGood to read that news about your dad too, bit of a ray of hope. I'm also a dad (with a loopy daughter) who prefers female company and can well appreciate his better chances of healing in that 'gentler' environment ... which he hopefully will agree upon in due course. Fingers crossed for you all there!
Thanks Diver
ReplyDeleteCan't share much optimism at present.
Just surviving through each day..pending.....x
Season of mists and mellow fruitfullness
ReplyDeleteClose bosom friend to the maturing sun....
The poets' time of year Mando - when everything erupts in beauty - the smells, the subtleties of light and shade. The third movement of Vivaldi's four seasons with the wonderfully evocative fourth promised.
HEDDWCH girl. And hugs.
Mike.
Hi Mike
ReplyDeleteI get it. Some people love Autumn and here's to all that do.
Confess to having had a poetical moment a few days back..so where was your contribution?
As in favourite poems link on FB?
Some of us are much better snuggled under the quilt with their hot water bottles...supply of choccies clost to hand
Hugs heading Norfolk way :>)