My daughter got home safe

In the midst of utter waste of space that is trying to piece myself back together only to fall apart, or pull myself apart, there is something real and worthwhile that happened today.

My daughter, who is covering for a manager on annual leave, had to travel a ways in the snow. My achievement of the day, such as it was, was to get to the care home crimbo buffet, aided by Craig. He is very helpful (at times) but mixed in with that is his jealousy, paranoia and come downs off alcohol. Both of us know it is a relationship based on needs (both of ours)..every once in a while I dare to be honest about that and another game starts, manipulation, threats...and other really pantsy stuff that does neither of us any good. Anyway, whilst trying to be all things to everyone around me, doing an adequate enough job (well I thought so)...until I got home and gave my cat some fusses. Fekk, you'd have thought I had ignored Craig all day. As I was close to ab dab point I said "Maybe we need to talk now...cos there's things need sorting out". Answer "No, you don't know how lonely I get" and I don't. I understand loneliness but I can't know how lonely anyone else gets. I don't know what actually goes on in their heads and more so I am too tired to double guess.

The conversation ended there. He sulked for most of rest of the night. I twisted myself into wondering how I make any of this positive...apart from packing bags and fekking off. Not realistic cos would be taking me with me!!!! So it was put up and shut up until I could get away to my bedroom...and some breathing space.

Anyway, that is all the negative crap and yep, I deserve it because I haven't got the bollocks to be totally alone.

The good stuff is that daughter got to and from work. She is safe and I am relieved. And if I should compare myself realistically to anyone it should be her because she is getting on and doing what she has to do and I admire her.