Confused ramblings about MH care and why it hurts my head even more

Don't know where this is going to go but it's a case of I've started so I'll finish..somewhere.

The good news is I am getting a Direct Payment for another year. When my care co-ordinator put the paperwork together (and from what I saw, really well) I was sort of optimistic. Well, that was one stage of the process done and dusted. Then he went on 4 week's leave and a social worker was covering for him...then he went on sick leave, came back for a week and is back on sick leave again.

Was woken by a phone call, yesterday, from the lady who is covering for the social worker, covering for my care co-ordinator, to tell me she was at the panel meeting to discuss the application and (in a nutshell) what did it mean? DOH! DOH! DOH! I tried to explain...through the total fugg that is my brain, first thing in the morning, but don't think I made a good job of it. All I said was "Do your best and good luck"??????????????????

The application was for an extension of 6 hours and payment for care lady to attend activities with me.

What did I expect? Nothing! I know that councils have to make massive cuts, benefits are to be reduced to fekk knows what and quite how that will equate to living costs....AND the mentally ill are the hidden disabled. As in, if you can't actually see it, it doesn't exist. Well...for those who don't suffer it. Not dissing any other disabled group but is not like ATOS are going to be able to get inside my head and go "Fekk, it's a mess in there".

Anyway, I digress, what I have got is another year of the same payment. The lady covering social worker, covering care co-ordinator said the panel have said "How you use it is up to you but you have to fit that into the payment"..£21 per week. So if I want care lady to attend activities with me, I guess I have to save up enough hours so that I can cover costs and paying for her time. Nosebleed cos it may well mean no weeks of seeing her to then pay for a course of yoga or tai chi. Well have to jiggle it about. Will think on that after the festive farce.

She also told me I got the payment because I was not so reliant on MH services??? Have reflected on that. 2 things that affect that 1) The successive STR workers that gave me support directly from CMHT have been scrapped 2) When I try and make contact with care co-ordinator, or recently social worker covering for them...they take ages to get back in touch with me or are on sick leave.

Not sure what to make of that either in respect of emergency appointment I had with shrink in October, where new meds were tried. Maybe that is just a red herring in amongst all the crap in my head.

It could be paranoia but to me is like MH services are being dismantled (maybe bit by bit and they hope nobody actually notices!!!!!!!!!!!)

The lady covering etc etc blah fucking blah informed me that the panel EXPECT me to be living independantly at the end of this Direct Payment. I assume that means independantly of any support services. That could be because there won't be any left by then. I don't know. I do know that I live on my own and running my home (well the council's home I live in)..it's pretty scrappy round here. Not all ship shape and Bristol fashion in fact it is pretty run down..DIY not a strong point and housework gets done as and when mood and energy levels permit.I am surviving (for now) with intermittent okay times and lots of anxt ridden stressed times.

Friend rang me today to say that GPs are now going to take control of care across the board. Err...WTF does that mean for people with mental illness? Will GPs be expected to provide MH services? If so, wonder what the GPs think about that? Personally, I can't envisage them being able to cover both a person's mental and physical health within a 5-10 consultation meeting but maybe I have got wrong end of the stick. Hands up...am bewildered by most things that are going on...

My bottom line is that I will hack what I can hack for as long as I can hack it and then the get out clause will be applied. Sounds meladramatic. Actually, it is a bit of a relief to think that I can have some control when it comes to ending this torment (both internal and external).

As for those people who believe it is selfish to take your own life. I have thought about this alot, in relation to myself. When my daughter was younger, she was one of the reasons I kept going.

Times change, she has changed. She is still awesome. However, she is actually living a really independant life. She's all grown up and doesn't need me anymore. In fact, I know I am more of a burden in her life now than I was then. I am more miserable, less able to hide my hurt and anger at what is happening.

All the hopes I had in the past that there would be a medication that could balance me out are gone (through having tried them) and I am reliant on benzos. If things were not going to get worse, I would think on coming off them but with what is to come, I would rather take them and have some relief...some calms within the storms.

I know, I am pessimistic person. I think that is based on my view of what is real and really happening...and just because the latest big buzz is around resilience that doesn't mean I can become more resilient than I have had to be to survive this far.

Ah bollox.