Universal and then the much more personal bleugh stuff

Have ventured further out into blogland, tonight. Haven't done much of that lately. Call it paranoia/neurosis/cowardice but sometimes I need to keep enough of myself for myself to keep going, without the graters and haters on my case.

Well, I ventured to a site which watches what government funded return to work organisations are up to. Not sure they have been up to much post new government. All charities and projects waiting around to see how political land lies before they try and stake their claim. Back to the plot (mine such as). It's talking about the 'Universal Benefit'.

Dare those of us with mental illness speak about it? In this climate of micro living, for fear of discussing anything of real importance. Well, I dare...cos there is much to lose and fekk all to gain. That is if I am picking up the media hype correctly.

One benefit for everyone on benefits. I can see how people might see that as fair. People without disabilities, who don't live alone and have a more conventional family or extended family network cushioning/supporting/whatevering that is positive. Note to others who have never had conventional families...I am not quite sure what a conventional family means but I like the idea of it in the fluffy sense..and would like to be part of one. Maybe I need to put myself up for adoption.

Looking at what would be worst case scenario for me but most probably financially best option for government, is this going to be based on the lowest financial denominator. I mean....a weekly income of round £50 to live on? If so, it won't be long before I lose my home (marbles having been well and truly lost before hand).

This may sound like melodramatics but I think I will be looking for the opt out clause in life. I don't expect this to sway anyone's opinion. It will just be a reality for me that I won't cope with bills (I can't pay) or what might become the luxury of deciding what days to eat on. Ho hum.

What will be, will be and I may not be when what will be is!

I had previously toyed with (then shelved) a posting about what constitutes self harm. Which may or may not have proved interesting. It came about after a discussion I had with my 'phone a friend'. Have been suffering with ear ache, more itching and swooshing in ears which then seemed to spread into my jaw. Had been mostly neurotic..trying to work out what it might be...swaying between infection and cancer but 'logic' got the better of me and thought infection most likely. Anyway, sort of mid conversation it struck me...what it was and also reminded me that my memory can be very selective. Have had pretty rancid couple of weeks, fighting, mostly, losing battle with depression..but putting up one heck of a fight. Somewhere in the middle of last week I got to the angry and frustrated with self stage and punched both cheeks with my fists..and then promptly forgot I did it. May sound bollocks but that is how it was...and it was the conversation with friend that triggered something in my memory.

After that, decided best not go to GPs. What's to say, without ringing alarm bells? "I inadvertantly punched my cheeks so hard one has swollen up?" or be honest and then get that look from them..the one that means they want you out of their surgery as soon as. I certainly don't need to have 'Self Harms' as another tick on my care co-ordinator's check list. I don't consider it habitual. I have done this sort of thing before but not often. It just got to that point..the point where I did it and wasn't even consciously thinking about it. I think if I had done a post on self harm..I would have been seen as 'lame'. Actually, calling it self harm...even though my jaw is refusing to move that much and hurting like fuck when I force it to. Another daft cow moment.....payback in neurosis too high!

The final bleugh stuff..the bleughest of all for me, right this minute, is it feels like winter already. I always get the dreads around October time..followed by traditional (having never come to terms with) winter doldrums......but it seems worse this year. All the rain and the rain and then the rain. Sometimes, I like rain. Summer rain...on brave days walk about in it.......but this is dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting rain.

Then again these are dismal, cold, hard, unrelenting times. Could be personal...could be more general. That is how I am feeling it.