Thanks to Norm for caring enough to listen to my terrorised warblings in the early hours.
My friend's Mum is being cremated today. I had gone into strident mode. Was going to walk to friend's house and from there join her and her family and go to the service. I felt okay about it, was wanting to be there for her..would say the normal response to situation but last night was like melt down.
Ms Strident can be really handy. Not that I have much control over her. She takes over whenever she takes over and most probably because she has to.
Having spoken to Norm, and felt I could muddle through another night, I dropped a lorazepam and fell into sleep. Woke up (as is the case) quite groggy but Strident was there, demanding I washed my hair, sorted out what I thought was an appropriate outfit to wear,busying myself trying to organise myself and then I thought about the crematorium, a freezing cold January, the droning words of the vicar, Dad's empty body sitting next to me and Mum's coffin slowly rolling behind the curtains. Shouting my final "Goodbye".
I am so fucking sick of saying "Goodbye"...of loss.
I feel an utter shit for not being there for my friend. I rang her. Of course, she was fine about it. She even said that it most probably reminds me too much of Mum's funeral and that she knows I am ill. She made a point of saying I must get to Craig's and stay safe. I bawled. Because she was so understanding (on such a day) and because I am so useless.
It isn't all about Mum's death though. It is about losing both parents at the same time. Of not being able to share my grief with my Dad...because he was gone away himself.
I have a daughter of nearly 22 and I feel like a child. A frightened child.
Yeah, I have fought, over and over for my Dad and my own survival and I managed to get my daughter through her GCSE's and A Levels ..... and maybe I will fight some more. It isn't easy though. Being mostly alone, being targetted (although i don't take that personally..I know there are many of us that will be targetted..we are surplus to requirement).
Patient Guard, this mutt is dog tired of fighting and grieving and needs to sleep.
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When I wrote that I got my daughter through her exams......I meant I helped her. She did all the hard work
ReplyDeleteHi Mandy, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend's Mum. This must be especially hard for you. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI didn't realise you were writing again until recently. Have to agree with what you say about feeling frightened and vulnerable. If life wasn't hard enough already this current policy of benefit cuts is scaring the Hell out of many a legitimate claimant I'm sure. Feels like persecution in all honesty.
Just joined 'The Broken of Britain'. Hope they can convey our message and make voices heard. The people most in need of a empathy and care tend to be the ones who quietly suffer in silence.
Truly sorry that time seems to have caused a drift.
Wishing you peace and serenity. Steph x
Hi Steph
ReplyDeleteIt isn't just time that caused the drift. I am apt to paranoia (which sometimes I have no control over) and I can confuse quietness with rejection. I mean to say that one of my fears is that my friends stop friends because I am apt to blogging outbursts and maybe being a bit too open about myself and after it leaves me feeling vulnerable (more vulnerable). Then the paranoia kicks in and I try and over protect myself.
I know it's pathetic but hell if I can't be honest about being pathetic, how can I be honest about much of anything lols
Thanks for commenting and the hugs. I do love hugs and reconnections with friends are
much better than disconnecting completely.
xx
Manders,
ReplyDeleteHope you're ok and glad L was so understanding about you not being able to make it today. Little steps mate.
I hear your pain ... I am so sorry for yet another loss that adds to grieving weight of being alive and feeling vulnerable ..
ReplyDeleteSmall steps accompanied by sleeps and rest seem the best way ...
Cheers Norm
ReplyDeleteOkay bit ambitious, my friend. Have gone back to basics and if I can handle them then will have sense of some achievement.
Hope you are baring up there. Gissa ring :>)
PG
ReplyDelete:>)
Hugging grieving teddy to bits here
know how you feel:( (((hugs)))
ReplyDeleteBig snuggly warming hugs back to everyone. Think we all need them right now :>)
ReplyDeleteIf that is a bit to cheesy for some...you can have a quick unintrusive hug
It's Halloween...my Christmas. I intend to celebrate..hell I might go 4 lozees and a bottle of pear cider (spread over the day so I don't head into a coma too soon and miss the fun)