Other things

Haven't done a blog post for a while. I got really f'ffed off with blogging and it had started to become a very insular and negative thing for me. I threw myself into facebook with gusto....and I really like it there. I know it isn't everyone's cup of tea but people can leave it alone if they don't like it.

What I like about it is that I come across people sometimes through doing the same quizzes or sharing concerns over 'serious' issues or cyber games or it could be that they make me laugh or show care about me. It is pretty diverse and it allows for diversity.

I have to say, I have yet to come across any STIGMA....that cancerous evil negative thing that crawls around waiting to pounce, hidden behind a mask, from Jo Public (if you believe the hype). Most of my friends there don't have illness, although I don't prefer them to friends who have illness. I don't need them to prove that I am 'normal'. Either I have chosen them or vice versa because we like each other and that is what it should be about. I can't be arsed with adding the world and it's mother to get my numbers up...plus I don't think I could keep up with 100 plus people. Needless to say, I spend alot of time there...Fairyland is addictive and I have built up a mini network through that too.

Outside of Cyberworld I have been making progress against the agoraphobia. Been on a fair few walks in beautiful countryside with my friend (sometimes with one of her goats, always with her dog...my travel buddy 'Sally'). I have, once a week, eats with my daughter and her fella. We now go to restaurants (with special offers on). Dad has managed to get out with us and we took him for a carvery meal. I thought (a bit too prematurely) that was a positive sign. Since then he has taken another nose dive.

The collection of filled pots in my garden is growning, along with the contents. I am growing some herbs from seeds and others from the early stages of development. Next year, my aim is to dig up a section at the bottom of my garden and replant the herbs there. I have a bird house attached to one of the water pipes on my outside wall (too high up for the cats to get at). Hope this serves to keep some little birds safe in winter. So all in that particular garden is quite rosey!

After flapping about the stall I have booked for the local festival and trying to mass produce (fit to scale of capacity and materials to hand) cards, have decided that the therapeutic reason for making them outways desire to impress or sell really. I am back to making what I want and if they sell, they sell. If not, I will downsize to making cards for friends and fam. The priority has to remain the pleasure of creating.

What with that and going to a local music festival last Saturday, my life has been busy and in positive ways. Was totally pooped out on Sunday but it was worth it to see some live music. Dr And The Medics were the main attraction and put on a brilliant show.

Finally, before I chill down for the night, I saw the new shrink today. I was all geared up (as written elsewhere) for clipboards at 20 paces but no need. I can tell, after about 1 minute, whether or not things are going to be okay. It is about how I am welcomed and how the conversation gets started. It started well and I was pleasantly surprised that the doctor was not only conversant with my and my father's situation but empathetic and not wanting to mess up the status quo. I think he realised that I am doing okay..all things considered... and to add an unkown quantity (like Lithium) into the equation was too much too soon. There is an agreement for me to continue on lorazepam until such time as I am ready to withdraw (quite alot of that to do with how stable Dad gets..and what the long term care situation ends up being). Perhaps, and I am not afraid to admit it, it isn't just about my father. He hasn't caused my illness, his illness and deteriation have made me worse but I was ill long time ago so I don't expect to suddenly be able to withdraw off benzo's if his situation improves (or proper long term care is provided). That is something I will need to discuss, at a later date, with the doctor and look at the alternatives and support that will be provided as and when.

For now, I am doing alot better than I could be doing. I don't assume it will last..nor do I expect to suddenly get worse. I simply know that my illness could get worse and might (at some unknown point). I live in the day...and that is as good as it gets..pending..something or other :>)