Waking up with my head on fire

I knew it was too good to be true. As in the Stemetil, which I am taking for Labrynthitis) was having a very positive effect on my mood.

Tuesday afternoon was pretty grim. What with the earache, dizziness and an ensuing migraine was heading in downward spiral but after taking combo of wafer thingy, stemetil and lozzie I picked up. Enough to get to the doctor's. She was okay..good even..but doctor's don't really understand mental illness. It is something quite alien and scary to them. Hell, it is often quite alien and too scary for me. Actually, it is more like a phantom that roams the corridors of my psyche and will suddenly and for no apparent reason take control of the helm.

Anyway, from Tuesday through till this morning I was starting to think that Stemetil might be a tablet that could help with some of my mental issues (states). I seemed to be on the up...the problem is, I kept going up and i could sense it getting to point where it would get out of hand.

Some might argue that was nothing at all to do with Stemetil but the cyclical nature of my illness. Fair comment but I don't know. I really don't.

All I do know is that I can't hack waking up at 4.30 (having had 4 hours sleep), feeling like my head is about to explode.

The only course of action, that made any bloody difference, to me was to take a whole lorazepam. The issue of tolerance is one of great concern for my GP. I understand her moral and ethical stance but she isn't on the receiving end of mental distress. She is an observer (educated to medical standards) who, and I sincerely hope so, will never have to be in the predicament I am in.

You know I have even toyed with the idea of buying Lorazepam over the internet. 1)to cut out all the guilt that I feel when I get the pep talks from medical experts 2) so that I can manage myself. Okay, so it is not in line with the self management courses being pumped out by the government or charities...but in the absence of (sanity that is achievable through usual means)...access to something that can get me through each day without 'exploding head' syndrome will do for me.

The problems, the only 2 I care about, in regards to buying lorazepam over the internet are that I might not get actual lorazepam and might be swallowing a combination of talcum and washing powder. Who can tell, when it is not done through 'official' channels and secondly...it means I am going to have to use my DLA on self medicating. Still everything has a price and it is a case of weighing things up till I get to a point where I can do what I have to do to survive...and not just survive but survive with some basic level of stability and deffo not by being monged out to the max on anti psychotics.

Is always a tight rope walk to find anything like a happy medium and much more like the tightrope is swinging trying to maintain that.

Ho hum!