The Art of Compromise and where Love fits in (a ramble)

This has been prompted by Panic Room's posting.

Alot of the time, for me, Love is just a four letter word. Vastly over-used and too complicated for me. Sure I hanker for something pure and heart filling (with plenty of fluffy fluffy) but it has never worked out that way.

Being of old enough years to have experienced the highs (but mostly the lows of affairs of the heart)and more so dealing with the demise of 2 of the people who are part of my core, I can say, with enough experience, that love comes at a very high price. It is tested to the max...to breaking point...but it does still prevail in some perverse way.

I think love is, fundamentally, a very selfish feeling. Certainly the search for it is in order to improve one's state of being...to fulfil of the self (through or with someone else). The best deal is when it is 2 way traffic with both people helping fulfil each other. To me that is Disney though. In practise it tends to be one person doing alot more giving than the other...or some very heavy compromise on both sides.

I can and do compromise but I often feel that I have been compromised too far and that is more down to me than anyone else. Either through feelings of insecurity or of trying to hold on to something (a dream), a relationship that has changed beyond recognition... even to try and hold on to someone who was dying (not easy when the biggest part of you knows they are dying).

That is not to say I don't believe in love. I do. Perhaps part of me is still sentimental and romantic (am still partial to a soppy film) although I think the reality is more to do with family history, bonds and duty.

What struck me about Panic Room's post was the need for some attention and affection ( a pretty basic human need), that was lacking. I can relate to that (but for different reasons). Dad (as only remaining parent) is very distant from me. Mostly not his fault. His illness has robbed me of any of the comfort I used to get from him. Actually, it has robbed me of most of anything remotely like a parent/daughter relationship.

I have had to compromise my way through a very different relationship. I now accept, although not without having to struggle with my own needs, that things will never be the same and that, for the most part of any interaction with him, I am playing 'mummy'. I am not up to it. I do the best I can for him but I cannot (either practically or emotionally) stay in Mother mode. Perhaps I should be able to but I can't.

The reason I have written this is because there are often some very serious unmet needs in us and that can lead us to dangerous liaisons/places trying to get those needs met. Not only have I done more damage to myself in that pursuit but am sure I have hurt others along the way.

At least I have got to the point where I see that in myself and although I now spend my time doing more damage limitation than anything else, for now, it is the best place to be. I have enough on my plate without CBT'ing myself into the emotional equivalent of the bionic woman.

Maybe there will be time...in the not too distant future...for me to be me for myself and for others to accept that (because it is easier for others to accept you when you accept yourself..or so they say).

All I can say is that hugs (the ones that are given without false/dubious purpose) are wonderful things and I am lucky to have someone who hugs me when it is most needed and vice versa. Well, actually not everytime it is most needed (cos I could do with alot of hugging) but enough!