Thank heavens for Whistleblowers, I say
Daily Mail Article -
Whistle blown on South Essex Mental Health Partnership Trust
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Beds Mental Health Trust goes SEPT-ic
Yep....it's merging and blurring and all round a bit of a cock up.
Oh Beacon of the South East hasn't turned out quite to be the shining light that everyone assumed.
I heard, via the grapevine, that an amount of money that was 'supposed' to be allocated for carers was used to cover financial probbies elsewhere and when South East Essex Partnership Trust were asked where it had gone, they replied "Well, nobody told us it was ringfenced".
Dr Geohegan...that self proclaimed bearer of the silver slipper in this Cinderella service land, seems to have been missing in non action for the past year he was 'caretaker' managing..Literally nobody could communicate with him and he refused to communicate with anyone else (including my MP).and not much has been heard of him since he officially took to the helm of a very much run down Bedfordshire and Luton MH Service.
In fact, the only thing anyone has noticed since he started is that jobs are not being re-advertised, caseloads are doubling (likely to treble now) and quality staff (such as my most recent care co-ordinator) are leaving Community Mental Health Teams pretty sharpish...needless to say the dead wood is being left to float around in the mire with no one having the balls to either breathe some life back into them or pile em up and ship em off.....apart from some of the more angry and vocal patients. Others are doing the usual talking on corners and the talk is not of a renewed faith in a kind of seconded management team overseeing their care service more a depressed acceptance that it can get even crappier than it is. When you are having your care services delivered by one of, if not, the worst MH Trust in the country there isn't much to be optimistic about.
I understand (altough don't have the full details) that SEPT is once again being called to task about some other misdemeanors in the core (Essex) part of it's service. That is the one with Beacon Status.. the Trust that everyone in the Eastern Region bows down to before it's glory or gets their eyes burnt by the glare.
I have to say I am not surprised my care co-ordinator is leaving. She was one of the bright young things, intelligent and eager and run ragged...doing the job of 2 (maybe more) people.
Finally, between her, my MP and lawyer (although the latter seems to have sauntered through the gate after the horses had bolted) my direct payment has been paid into my account. That was last week. I remember the frantic day my care co-ordinator turned up and insisted I opened a new bank account that day, because the panel had agreed it and she had been informed I must have an account for the impmending payments to be paid into. That was the week before Christmas.
It does..and that is mostly due to correspondence between my myself MP (a rather vacant MH Director who wrote an Action Plan that seemed to be for someone else). In this plan the Director, who had informed me in November that it was looking positive in regards to the Direct Payment Application. In the plan he made a key point of stating there was an option of going for a Direct Payment to support my needs viz a vie my care plan. Did he take an amnesia pill at some point.
Actually, the commitments he made in regards to Dad's CMHT input into his care have amounted to fekk all. Dad hasn't seen anyone from that team for a couple of months.
All this is bureaupap is now with the lawyer. I am sick of dealing with complete cretins who obvisously are better at writing Action Plans (incorrect as the information within them may be)..than keeping staff informed of and ensuring they adhere to what they should be doing.
If I were to give Dr Geohegan one piece of advice, it would be to find out what his Directors are up to..and if they are up to directing. After that, I would say that I think he bit off way more than he could chew. He is most probably relieved that the Tories got in, with their agenda to slash public services...it now gives him an excuse to carry on what he has been doing (pretty much unchecked) for the last year.
I wonder if Mr Cameran is planning to look at the management styles and salaries of those in top tier positions within MH Trusts and to equate that with what is actually being delivered to patients. Not that anyone will give a stuff.
People are going to be so stressed and hard pressed. Dog will eat dog, anything smaller, less cunning, injured...The time for the survival of the fittest is nigh.
Hark..I hear the bell tolling! Nope it's just the pinger on me microwave oven, telling me the pizza baguette is ready.
Oh Beacon of the South East hasn't turned out quite to be the shining light that everyone assumed.
I heard, via the grapevine, that an amount of money that was 'supposed' to be allocated for carers was used to cover financial probbies elsewhere and when South East Essex Partnership Trust were asked where it had gone, they replied "Well, nobody told us it was ringfenced".
Dr Geohegan...that self proclaimed bearer of the silver slipper in this Cinderella service land, seems to have been missing in non action for the past year he was 'caretaker' managing..Literally nobody could communicate with him and he refused to communicate with anyone else (including my MP).and not much has been heard of him since he officially took to the helm of a very much run down Bedfordshire and Luton MH Service.
In fact, the only thing anyone has noticed since he started is that jobs are not being re-advertised, caseloads are doubling (likely to treble now) and quality staff (such as my most recent care co-ordinator) are leaving Community Mental Health Teams pretty sharpish...needless to say the dead wood is being left to float around in the mire with no one having the balls to either breathe some life back into them or pile em up and ship em off.....apart from some of the more angry and vocal patients. Others are doing the usual talking on corners and the talk is not of a renewed faith in a kind of seconded management team overseeing their care service more a depressed acceptance that it can get even crappier than it is. When you are having your care services delivered by one of, if not, the worst MH Trust in the country there isn't much to be optimistic about.
I understand (altough don't have the full details) that SEPT is once again being called to task about some other misdemeanors in the core (Essex) part of it's service. That is the one with Beacon Status.. the Trust that everyone in the Eastern Region bows down to before it's glory or gets their eyes burnt by the glare.
I have to say I am not surprised my care co-ordinator is leaving. She was one of the bright young things, intelligent and eager and run ragged...doing the job of 2 (maybe more) people.
Finally, between her, my MP and lawyer (although the latter seems to have sauntered through the gate after the horses had bolted) my direct payment has been paid into my account. That was last week. I remember the frantic day my care co-ordinator turned up and insisted I opened a new bank account that day, because the panel had agreed it and she had been informed I must have an account for the impmending payments to be paid into. That was the week before Christmas.
It does..and that is mostly due to correspondence between my myself MP (a rather vacant MH Director who wrote an Action Plan that seemed to be for someone else). In this plan the Director, who had informed me in November that it was looking positive in regards to the Direct Payment Application. In the plan he made a key point of stating there was an option of going for a Direct Payment to support my needs viz a vie my care plan. Did he take an amnesia pill at some point.
Actually, the commitments he made in regards to Dad's CMHT input into his care have amounted to fekk all. Dad hasn't seen anyone from that team for a couple of months.
All this is bureaupap is now with the lawyer. I am sick of dealing with complete cretins who obvisously are better at writing Action Plans (incorrect as the information within them may be)..than keeping staff informed of and ensuring they adhere to what they should be doing.
If I were to give Dr Geohegan one piece of advice, it would be to find out what his Directors are up to..and if they are up to directing. After that, I would say that I think he bit off way more than he could chew. He is most probably relieved that the Tories got in, with their agenda to slash public services...it now gives him an excuse to carry on what he has been doing (pretty much unchecked) for the last year.
I wonder if Mr Cameran is planning to look at the management styles and salaries of those in top tier positions within MH Trusts and to equate that with what is actually being delivered to patients. Not that anyone will give a stuff.
People are going to be so stressed and hard pressed. Dog will eat dog, anything smaller, less cunning, injured...The time for the survival of the fittest is nigh.
Hark..I hear the bell tolling! Nope it's just the pinger on me microwave oven, telling me the pizza baguette is ready.
Saturday, 29 May 2010
How do you create work in a country whose production industries are dying or long gone?
Is it only me who is not so quiety panicking about the debt this country is in?
Perhaps the new government has, by coming out with guns blazing, got me to talking about things I have been thinking about for ages. I did used to write about them but nobody seemed that concerned..or other concerns were more important to them. No crime but the 'ostrich' years are over.
In some ways I respect the new government for 'SAYING' it is going to be responsible and for seeming to take, at the moment, action to resolve the debt problem with it's first emergency budget due and already attempting to clear £6 billion of the debt but that is just a piddle in a massive ocean and where is the other £144 billion to be found from?
The notion of that kind of money is beyond me...particularly as I have always thought the money market is based on little substance and actually alot of notional money seems to have been moving around (heaven knows where or why). Actually, to me it is all notional rather than substancial. It certainly doesn't seem to bare any significance to anyone's life until there comes a point where debt has to be paid back...because who are 'the national we' to be paying it back to?
And then...it all gets very scary indeed because, you have to look at the hows and that means the country's capacity to do so.
Will a massive cut in public spending clear that amount of debt? I don't think it will in itself. If I put the argument about how necessary public services are to one side (because surely everyone believes there should be a public sector of some kind or other) and look at the money...I don't believe that level of debt will be cleared....and the bigger issue is ..how are we to sustain when alot of our production industries are in decline, or gone?
I was actually contemplating this notion of a 'big society' and wondering if I could sustain within work because in spite of my scepticism, I would like to be part of a society that does care, does work together and is 'better'. However, on a personal basis, I know that I would not cope nor would employers and other employees cope with me or for those who believe that illness is not all that a person is....how 'we' would cope with with my illness because, as yet, I am unable to be 'consistent' or maintain a level of coping that would fit with conventional work environments. Could start to talk about flexible work....working from home etc but as a society we haven't come that far yet. Maybe we will get there but before we get there we need to have work opportunities and lots of them...and unless I am completely oblivious to what is actually happening the work isn't there and companies are still closing down on a daily basis.
I don't see the growth of new industries...and not on a scale to replace the old and I am not sure quite what a'Big Society' means in realilty. Is it something like modern China? Because how can we compete with that? Do we want to be like that?
I am not clever enough to comprehend all this in a way that doesn't confuse me or stop me getting headaches but I do have to wonder at consistent governments who have allowed the financial sector to be so greedy...possibly encouraged it..who knows?????
Maybe the financiers pull the strings? Hmmm. Nosebleed stuff
Perhaps the new government has, by coming out with guns blazing, got me to talking about things I have been thinking about for ages. I did used to write about them but nobody seemed that concerned..or other concerns were more important to them. No crime but the 'ostrich' years are over.
In some ways I respect the new government for 'SAYING' it is going to be responsible and for seeming to take, at the moment, action to resolve the debt problem with it's first emergency budget due and already attempting to clear £6 billion of the debt but that is just a piddle in a massive ocean and where is the other £144 billion to be found from?
The notion of that kind of money is beyond me...particularly as I have always thought the money market is based on little substance and actually alot of notional money seems to have been moving around (heaven knows where or why). Actually, to me it is all notional rather than substancial. It certainly doesn't seem to bare any significance to anyone's life until there comes a point where debt has to be paid back...because who are 'the national we' to be paying it back to?
And then...it all gets very scary indeed because, you have to look at the hows and that means the country's capacity to do so.
Will a massive cut in public spending clear that amount of debt? I don't think it will in itself. If I put the argument about how necessary public services are to one side (because surely everyone believes there should be a public sector of some kind or other) and look at the money...I don't believe that level of debt will be cleared....and the bigger issue is ..how are we to sustain when alot of our production industries are in decline, or gone?
I was actually contemplating this notion of a 'big society' and wondering if I could sustain within work because in spite of my scepticism, I would like to be part of a society that does care, does work together and is 'better'. However, on a personal basis, I know that I would not cope nor would employers and other employees cope with me or for those who believe that illness is not all that a person is....how 'we' would cope with with my illness because, as yet, I am unable to be 'consistent' or maintain a level of coping that would fit with conventional work environments. Could start to talk about flexible work....working from home etc but as a society we haven't come that far yet. Maybe we will get there but before we get there we need to have work opportunities and lots of them...and unless I am completely oblivious to what is actually happening the work isn't there and companies are still closing down on a daily basis.
I don't see the growth of new industries...and not on a scale to replace the old and I am not sure quite what a'Big Society' means in realilty. Is it something like modern China? Because how can we compete with that? Do we want to be like that?
I am not clever enough to comprehend all this in a way that doesn't confuse me or stop me getting headaches but I do have to wonder at consistent governments who have allowed the financial sector to be so greedy...possibly encouraged it..who knows?????
Maybe the financiers pull the strings? Hmmm. Nosebleed stuff
Sunday, 23 May 2010
A slightly (actually not sure how slight) bisexual's ponderings on gay and lesbian celebrity...and possible equality issues
Before I head off into territory that is going to darken my name further, amongst the PC police and their snitches, I can say that it is for reasons of curiosity that I am posting this post.
The first thing I want to look at is the growing fashion statement, amongst gay presenters, that is the 'orange fake tan' . I thought David Dickinson had the monopoly on this one. Disclaimer coming... if Mr Dickinson is gay then not openly so...and assume that he is a happily married man...assume because you never really know what goes on anywhere except in your own life and even then I am not sure that anyone can ever be 100% about anything..."We fade to grey"
Anyhows....the first presenter I clocked going for the full on orange effect was Dale Winton. Not sure if Graham Norton came on board next or Stephen Fry but, recent viewings of Mr Fry on QI (which I still find quite interesting and much more so when Johnny Vegas is on)have had me toning down the brightness on my tv. Am wondering if it is part of a 'gay celeb' status symbol. Or just really shit taste.
Let it not be said that I am totally biased, although confess to a high level of biast when it comes to Stephen Fry. I have clocked a more svelt like SF, lightening his hair (easy on the eye) and seeming to have become more aware of how to co-ordinate his costumery. Not that that actually makes much difference of my opinion of him as an 'essential item in anyone's recovery tool kit'. I didn't mind him on the plumpish side, with greying hair and not being a dedicated follower of fashion. I was more worried about this iconic status, as a MH gugu and spokesperson for us loonies at every MH gala event/media opportunity going.
No...it is for me a question of why? Why fake tan and why so orange? I mean I know us Brits love our gay celebs on the camp side. Not sure we are quite ready for a non camp gay celeb (for years we watched John Inman... telling us he was free... and although I am sure we knew in our heart of hears that he was gay...we couldn't quite bring ourselves to speak about it openly) but it wouldn't hurt for the water to be tested on that. There are possibly (because it is a pool full of lots of celeb fishes) that there are gay presenters who no one clocks are gay because they (for whatever reasons) haven't got a camp side to their personality. I am not knocking 'camp' in itself...more asking what the options are. What I am trying to say is that there must be more to gay people than being camp.
Possibly it is the historical comedic appeal of camp that prevails (stamped on the Brit psyche) but I am not sure that does gay people any favours if they actually are looking at equality or if it doesn't matter so much when they make celeb status as long as they make celeb status. Or maybe it does..and they just don't dare think about it????? Whatever, the orange thing does not look good on anyone (Gay or not) but is guaranteed to get a person noticed.
My second concern.... and this is much more serious.... is about Lesbian celebrities. How many can you name? I can only think of one: Ellen Degenereusse..I can't remember how to spell her surname but it sounds like that. If I remember rightly, she is an AMERICAN comedienne turned presenter turned talent contest judge. I have a certain amount of respect for her because I think she has actually done some trail blazing. Problem is the trail hasn't blazed it's way across the Atlantic. We reckon the Americans can be 'conservative' but I, unless oblivious to what is happening on the celeb scene, can't think of any celebs who are Lesbians. Perhaps people think this is petty but if we are talking about equality...then surely that means 'accessing all areas', being able to be open about one's sexuality (or not if one doesn't want to..but not being in the closet because ambiguity seems the most popular/safe route to take).
Are we 'as a nation' happy to stick with the camp gay male celebs but see lesbians as far more of a threat? If so a threat to what? Along the same lines but off on a bit of a tangent...female celebs seems to be becoming camper as well. What is all that about?
Maybe the fact that I am writing about celebrity is the crutch of this issue. In order to be a celebrity now...you gotta be brighter or louder or cleverer or polyfilled to the max and ORANGE!!! You gotta have a gimmick and a gimmick that keeps the suckers wanting more even if you have no real talent at all (had to get Katie Price in there somehow)...and in my books they don't get anymore camp than her.
What a backwards step for equality it all seems to be and a forward step for faking it for fame.
And maybe the orange thing is a bit tongue in cheek or maybe it is about something a little more complex. Hmmmmmmmm
The first thing I want to look at is the growing fashion statement, amongst gay presenters, that is the 'orange fake tan' . I thought David Dickinson had the monopoly on this one. Disclaimer coming... if Mr Dickinson is gay then not openly so...and assume that he is a happily married man...assume because you never really know what goes on anywhere except in your own life and even then I am not sure that anyone can ever be 100% about anything..."We fade to grey"
Anyhows....the first presenter I clocked going for the full on orange effect was Dale Winton. Not sure if Graham Norton came on board next or Stephen Fry but, recent viewings of Mr Fry on QI (which I still find quite interesting and much more so when Johnny Vegas is on)have had me toning down the brightness on my tv. Am wondering if it is part of a 'gay celeb' status symbol. Or just really shit taste.
Let it not be said that I am totally biased, although confess to a high level of biast when it comes to Stephen Fry. I have clocked a more svelt like SF, lightening his hair (easy on the eye) and seeming to have become more aware of how to co-ordinate his costumery. Not that that actually makes much difference of my opinion of him as an 'essential item in anyone's recovery tool kit'. I didn't mind him on the plumpish side, with greying hair and not being a dedicated follower of fashion. I was more worried about this iconic status, as a MH gugu and spokesperson for us loonies at every MH gala event/media opportunity going.
No...it is for me a question of why? Why fake tan and why so orange? I mean I know us Brits love our gay celebs on the camp side. Not sure we are quite ready for a non camp gay celeb (for years we watched John Inman... telling us he was free... and although I am sure we knew in our heart of hears that he was gay...we couldn't quite bring ourselves to speak about it openly) but it wouldn't hurt for the water to be tested on that. There are possibly (because it is a pool full of lots of celeb fishes) that there are gay presenters who no one clocks are gay because they (for whatever reasons) haven't got a camp side to their personality. I am not knocking 'camp' in itself...more asking what the options are. What I am trying to say is that there must be more to gay people than being camp.
Possibly it is the historical comedic appeal of camp that prevails (stamped on the Brit psyche) but I am not sure that does gay people any favours if they actually are looking at equality or if it doesn't matter so much when they make celeb status as long as they make celeb status. Or maybe it does..and they just don't dare think about it????? Whatever, the orange thing does not look good on anyone (Gay or not) but is guaranteed to get a person noticed.
My second concern.... and this is much more serious.... is about Lesbian celebrities. How many can you name? I can only think of one: Ellen Degenereusse..I can't remember how to spell her surname but it sounds like that. If I remember rightly, she is an AMERICAN comedienne turned presenter turned talent contest judge. I have a certain amount of respect for her because I think she has actually done some trail blazing. Problem is the trail hasn't blazed it's way across the Atlantic. We reckon the Americans can be 'conservative' but I, unless oblivious to what is happening on the celeb scene, can't think of any celebs who are Lesbians. Perhaps people think this is petty but if we are talking about equality...then surely that means 'accessing all areas', being able to be open about one's sexuality (or not if one doesn't want to..but not being in the closet because ambiguity seems the most popular/safe route to take).
Are we 'as a nation' happy to stick with the camp gay male celebs but see lesbians as far more of a threat? If so a threat to what? Along the same lines but off on a bit of a tangent...female celebs seems to be becoming camper as well. What is all that about?
Maybe the fact that I am writing about celebrity is the crutch of this issue. In order to be a celebrity now...you gotta be brighter or louder or cleverer or polyfilled to the max and ORANGE!!! You gotta have a gimmick and a gimmick that keeps the suckers wanting more even if you have no real talent at all (had to get Katie Price in there somehow)...and in my books they don't get anymore camp than her.
What a backwards step for equality it all seems to be and a forward step for faking it for fame.
And maybe the orange thing is a bit tongue in cheek or maybe it is about something a little more complex. Hmmmmmmmm
Tuesday, 11 May 2010
Some light relief in Suffolk
My first and, possibly, last break with carers' group. I loved it but I think funding is going to be tighter than a duck's you know what in future.
From tap dancing to karoake, to magical mystery tours to the broads with some hopi ear candle massage and a couple of swims thrown in for good measure, it was a full and really enjoyable weekend. The piece de resistance being, sharing chalet with my mate Hayley, the friendliness of other carers I met and then meeting up with 2 other good friends (who travelled to meet up with me) on Sunday. Not forgetting the natives...squirrels, ducks and other types of birdies. I was told there were otters in the lake (on the grounds of the leisure park) but, sadly, didn't get to see them.
Now it is back to reality and I am very tired (everything seems to be coming back in at me). Had plan to visit a respite place today but am wobbling all over the place..so staying put, sedated and resting as much as I can.
Have some happy memories to carry me through today :>)
From tap dancing to karoake, to magical mystery tours to the broads with some hopi ear candle massage and a couple of swims thrown in for good measure, it was a full and really enjoyable weekend. The piece de resistance being, sharing chalet with my mate Hayley, the friendliness of other carers I met and then meeting up with 2 other good friends (who travelled to meet up with me) on Sunday. Not forgetting the natives...squirrels, ducks and other types of birdies. I was told there were otters in the lake (on the grounds of the leisure park) but, sadly, didn't get to see them.
Now it is back to reality and I am very tired (everything seems to be coming back in at me). Had plan to visit a respite place today but am wobbling all over the place..so staying put, sedated and resting as much as I can.
Have some happy memories to carry me through today :>)
Tuesday, 27 April 2010
The reluctant prostitute
Bare with me here cos am just thinking aloud.
I don't like sex. Maybe that is shocking to read> Maybe that sets me apart from most of the rest of the species but it is fact.
I find it uncomfortable, complicated and frustrating.
I am a sexual being and I understand how to make the best of myself....usually for myself as well as the people I am going to be around. Viz a vie a night out.
However, sexual acts, with others, I view as purely perfunctory...mostly to keep the peace and am internally breathing a sigh of relief when the act itself is over although...it warrants a bit more acting afterwards....again to keep the peace.
I don't know exactly why. It doesn't go with 'Bipolar' territory. Or so I have been told. I wouldn't actually know...because I only know a handful of people who have bipolar disorder and they are alot more sexually active than I am (if their words are to be believed). I can't talk about other people's sex lives or drives with any certainty..cos I am not them and don't live their lives.
Some people might think "Why is she writing this and why now?" Weeeeeeelll...was having conversation with a friend and they were talking about a theorist called Simone Weil. A woman who, again by all known accounts, had no interest in sex.
I said..something like "I can relate to this woman" although I know little of anything else about her but am going to find out. She interests me enough to start reading up.
For me it is not that I have no interest in sex or sex drive (erratic as it may be)...I just find the pre-conceptions, expectations, possible demands, assumptions that go with sexual relations (and based on most previous experiences of sex...lots of mess for not much pleasure) put me off before I even start to feel horny.
The rare times I have enjoyed it, have tended to be because it was more impulsuve, most probably more base animal than anything. Allowing me some freedom that I feel I don't have when it is part of a 'relationship'.
Perhaps, it is something to do with my illness but I think it is more to do with me....things that have happened in my life. Not just sexual but 'relationship' wise and the sort of person I am.
In spite of being 'the spikey fridge' around the sexual act, I crave affection. I would say I need affection but because I get so little and am still alive, assume it is more hunger. I see affection and sex as 2 separate entities. I totally get that it is possible for the 2 to be combined but I have to say, again due to my experiences, usually sex is one thing and affection is the missing link.
Hmmmm....I don't see myself as needing or wanting therapy to get to the bottom of this and make me a 'normal' sexually functioning person.
I do get really pissed off with myself at times for having sex when I don't want it (that is because I am in some kind of relationship and appreciate the other person's need for sex) but it is a type of compromise that I am prepared to compromise on. That sounds sad and it is for both of us...but don't be telling me to "Come out of the closet" with the boyfriend. It ain't that simple. If it was, I would have come out of the cloest years ago!!!!
But oh for some affection....there is something that reinforces the positive, a sense of worthiness, an acceptance of my being (as an individual)without demanding something else and a sharing with another person, something warm and comforting, which is pleasureable to me (and hopefully to them) on the rare occasion it happens.
Ho hum. Maybe, I should be bawling my eyes out here. I think I used to...and then think I should be in therapy to be "normalised". I spent years thinking I was a freak.
Now I know I am freaky...but it is Mandy Freakyness...I am more accepting.
I really do wish things were different or I could meet someone who has similar feelings and wouldn't be expecting certain performances but I don't think life works like that. I am a little too leftfield and is hard enough trying to find someone who accepts me (the bipolar thing mostly..well and my attitude problem) let alone doesn't want to paw all over me for self gratification.
Yeah! I know I am warped but sex is very important to most people. It just isn't to me. I much prefer a good read of a book, half decent DVD to watch and big box of choccies.
C'est ma vie.
Deprived of Dunstable....Desperately seeking affection...well not that desperately but could sure do with some!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't like sex. Maybe that is shocking to read> Maybe that sets me apart from most of the rest of the species but it is fact.
I find it uncomfortable, complicated and frustrating.
I am a sexual being and I understand how to make the best of myself....usually for myself as well as the people I am going to be around. Viz a vie a night out.
However, sexual acts, with others, I view as purely perfunctory...mostly to keep the peace and am internally breathing a sigh of relief when the act itself is over although...it warrants a bit more acting afterwards....again to keep the peace.
I don't know exactly why. It doesn't go with 'Bipolar' territory. Or so I have been told. I wouldn't actually know...because I only know a handful of people who have bipolar disorder and they are alot more sexually active than I am (if their words are to be believed). I can't talk about other people's sex lives or drives with any certainty..cos I am not them and don't live their lives.
Some people might think "Why is she writing this and why now?" Weeeeeeelll...was having conversation with a friend and they were talking about a theorist called Simone Weil. A woman who, again by all known accounts, had no interest in sex.
I said..something like "I can relate to this woman" although I know little of anything else about her but am going to find out. She interests me enough to start reading up.
For me it is not that I have no interest in sex or sex drive (erratic as it may be)...I just find the pre-conceptions, expectations, possible demands, assumptions that go with sexual relations (and based on most previous experiences of sex...lots of mess for not much pleasure) put me off before I even start to feel horny.
The rare times I have enjoyed it, have tended to be because it was more impulsuve, most probably more base animal than anything. Allowing me some freedom that I feel I don't have when it is part of a 'relationship'.
Perhaps, it is something to do with my illness but I think it is more to do with me....things that have happened in my life. Not just sexual but 'relationship' wise and the sort of person I am.
In spite of being 'the spikey fridge' around the sexual act, I crave affection. I would say I need affection but because I get so little and am still alive, assume it is more hunger. I see affection and sex as 2 separate entities. I totally get that it is possible for the 2 to be combined but I have to say, again due to my experiences, usually sex is one thing and affection is the missing link.
Hmmmm....I don't see myself as needing or wanting therapy to get to the bottom of this and make me a 'normal' sexually functioning person.
I do get really pissed off with myself at times for having sex when I don't want it (that is because I am in some kind of relationship and appreciate the other person's need for sex) but it is a type of compromise that I am prepared to compromise on. That sounds sad and it is for both of us...but don't be telling me to "Come out of the closet" with the boyfriend. It ain't that simple. If it was, I would have come out of the cloest years ago!!!!
But oh for some affection....there is something that reinforces the positive, a sense of worthiness, an acceptance of my being (as an individual)without demanding something else and a sharing with another person, something warm and comforting, which is pleasureable to me (and hopefully to them) on the rare occasion it happens.
Ho hum. Maybe, I should be bawling my eyes out here. I think I used to...and then think I should be in therapy to be "normalised". I spent years thinking I was a freak.
Now I know I am freaky...but it is Mandy Freakyness...I am more accepting.
I really do wish things were different or I could meet someone who has similar feelings and wouldn't be expecting certain performances but I don't think life works like that. I am a little too leftfield and is hard enough trying to find someone who accepts me (the bipolar thing mostly..well and my attitude problem) let alone doesn't want to paw all over me for self gratification.
Yeah! I know I am warped but sex is very important to most people. It just isn't to me. I much prefer a good read of a book, half decent DVD to watch and big box of choccies.
C'est ma vie.
Deprived of Dunstable....Desperately seeking affection...well not that desperately but could sure do with some!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, 6 April 2010
A game of little consononts..or maybe big ones
Yes, folks, Ms Vordeman may have left the building but it doesn't mean the fun and games have to end.
Think of your favourite or actually any MH related word (or sets of) that you can fit into 9 letters (jumbled them up) and put them up in the comments box.
Let the lurkers have a field day with their gray matter. Ha! Ha!
Here's another mix to get you started:
ZENZOBZUB
Think of your favourite or actually any MH related word (or sets of) that you can fit into 9 letters (jumbled them up) and put them up in the comments box.
Let the lurkers have a field day with their gray matter. Ha! Ha!
Here's another mix to get you started:
ZENZOBZUB
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