The reluctant prostitute

Bare with me here cos am just thinking aloud.

I don't like sex. Maybe that is shocking to read> Maybe that sets me apart from most of the rest of the species but it is fact.

I find it uncomfortable, complicated and frustrating.

I am a sexual being and I understand how to make the best of myself....usually for myself as well as the people I am going to be around. Viz a vie a night out.

However, sexual acts, with others, I view as purely perfunctory...mostly to keep the peace and am internally breathing a sigh of relief when the act itself is over although...it warrants a bit more acting afterwards....again to keep the peace.

I don't know exactly why. It doesn't go with 'Bipolar' territory. Or so I have been told. I wouldn't actually know...because I only know a handful of people who have bipolar disorder and they are alot more sexually active than I am (if their words are to be believed). I can't talk about other people's sex lives or drives with any certainty..cos I am not them and don't live their lives.

Some people might think "Why is she writing this and why now?" Weeeeeeelll...was having conversation with a friend and they were talking about a theorist called Simone Weil. A woman who, again by all known accounts, had no interest in sex.

I said..something like "I can relate to this woman" although I know little of anything else about her but am going to find out. She interests me enough to start reading up.

For me it is not that I have no interest in sex or sex drive (erratic as it may be)...I just find the pre-conceptions, expectations, possible demands, assumptions that go with sexual relations (and based on most previous experiences of sex...lots of mess for not much pleasure) put me off before I even start to feel horny.

The rare times I have enjoyed it, have tended to be because it was more impulsuve, most probably more base animal than anything. Allowing me some freedom that I feel I don't have when it is part of a 'relationship'.

Perhaps, it is something to do with my illness but I think it is more to do with me....things that have happened in my life. Not just sexual but 'relationship' wise and the sort of person I am.

In spite of being 'the spikey fridge' around the sexual act, I crave affection. I would say I need affection but because I get so little and am still alive, assume it is more hunger. I see affection and sex as 2 separate entities. I totally get that it is possible for the 2 to be combined but I have to say, again due to my experiences, usually sex is one thing and affection is the missing link.

Hmmmm....I don't see myself as needing or wanting therapy to get to the bottom of this and make me a 'normal' sexually functioning person.

I do get really pissed off with myself at times for having sex when I don't want it (that is because I am in some kind of relationship and appreciate the other person's need for sex) but it is a type of compromise that I am prepared to compromise on. That sounds sad and it is for both of us...but don't be telling me to "Come out of the closet" with the boyfriend. It ain't that simple. If it was, I would have come out of the cloest years ago!!!!

But oh for some affection....there is something that reinforces the positive, a sense of worthiness, an acceptance of my being (as an individual)without demanding something else and a sharing with another person, something warm and comforting, which is pleasureable to me (and hopefully to them) on the rare occasion it happens.

Ho hum. Maybe, I should be bawling my eyes out here. I think I used to...and then think I should be in therapy to be "normalised". I spent years thinking I was a freak.

Now I know I am freaky...but it is Mandy Freakyness...I am more accepting.

I really do wish things were different or I could meet someone who has similar feelings and wouldn't be expecting certain performances but I don't think life works like that. I am a little too leftfield and is hard enough trying to find someone who accepts me (the bipolar thing mostly..well and my attitude problem) let alone doesn't want to paw all over me for self gratification.

Yeah! I know I am warped but sex is very important to most people. It just isn't to me. I much prefer a good read of a book, half decent DVD to watch and big box of choccies.

C'est ma vie.

Deprived of Dunstable....Desperately seeking affection...well not that desperately but could sure do with some!!!!!!!!!!!