In the midst of utter waste of space that is trying to piece myself back together only to fall apart, or pull myself apart, there is something real and worthwhile that happened today.
My daughter, who is covering for a manager on annual leave, had to travel a ways in the snow. My achievement of the day, such as it was, was to get to the care home crimbo buffet, aided by Craig. He is very helpful (at times) but mixed in with that is his jealousy, paranoia and come downs off alcohol. Both of us know it is a relationship based on needs (both of ours)..every once in a while I dare to be honest about that and another game starts, manipulation, threats...and other really pantsy stuff that does neither of us any good. Anyway, whilst trying to be all things to everyone around me, doing an adequate enough job (well I thought so)...until I got home and gave my cat some fusses. Fekk, you'd have thought I had ignored Craig all day. As I was close to ab dab point I said "Maybe we need to talk now...cos there's things need sorting out". Answer "No, you don't know how lonely I get" and I don't. I understand loneliness but I can't know how lonely anyone else gets. I don't know what actually goes on in their heads and more so I am too tired to double guess.
The conversation ended there. He sulked for most of rest of the night. I twisted myself into wondering how I make any of this positive...apart from packing bags and fekking off. Not realistic cos would be taking me with me!!!! So it was put up and shut up until I could get away to my bedroom...and some breathing space.
Anyway, that is all the negative crap and yep, I deserve it because I haven't got the bollocks to be totally alone.
The good stuff is that daughter got to and from work. She is safe and I am relieved. And if I should compare myself realistically to anyone it should be her because she is getting on and doing what she has to do and I admire her.
Sunday 19 December 2010
Wednesday 15 December 2010
Confused ramblings about MH care and why it hurts my head even more
Don't know where this is going to go but it's a case of I've started so I'll finish..somewhere.
The good news is I am getting a Direct Payment for another year. When my care co-ordinator put the paperwork together (and from what I saw, really well) I was sort of optimistic. Well, that was one stage of the process done and dusted. Then he went on 4 week's leave and a social worker was covering for him...then he went on sick leave, came back for a week and is back on sick leave again.
Was woken by a phone call, yesterday, from the lady who is covering for the social worker, covering for my care co-ordinator, to tell me she was at the panel meeting to discuss the application and (in a nutshell) what did it mean? DOH! DOH! DOH! I tried to explain...through the total fugg that is my brain, first thing in the morning, but don't think I made a good job of it. All I said was "Do your best and good luck"??????????????????
The application was for an extension of 6 hours and payment for care lady to attend activities with me.
What did I expect? Nothing! I know that councils have to make massive cuts, benefits are to be reduced to fekk knows what and quite how that will equate to living costs....AND the mentally ill are the hidden disabled. As in, if you can't actually see it, it doesn't exist. Well...for those who don't suffer it. Not dissing any other disabled group but is not like ATOS are going to be able to get inside my head and go "Fekk, it's a mess in there".
Anyway, I digress, what I have got is another year of the same payment. The lady covering social worker, covering care co-ordinator said the panel have said "How you use it is up to you but you have to fit that into the payment"..£21 per week. So if I want care lady to attend activities with me, I guess I have to save up enough hours so that I can cover costs and paying for her time. Nosebleed cos it may well mean no weeks of seeing her to then pay for a course of yoga or tai chi. Well have to jiggle it about. Will think on that after the festive farce.
She also told me I got the payment because I was not so reliant on MH services??? Have reflected on that. 2 things that affect that 1) The successive STR workers that gave me support directly from CMHT have been scrapped 2) When I try and make contact with care co-ordinator, or recently social worker covering for them...they take ages to get back in touch with me or are on sick leave.
Not sure what to make of that either in respect of emergency appointment I had with shrink in October, where new meds were tried. Maybe that is just a red herring in amongst all the crap in my head.
It could be paranoia but to me is like MH services are being dismantled (maybe bit by bit and they hope nobody actually notices!!!!!!!!!!!)
The lady covering etc etc blah fucking blah informed me that the panel EXPECT me to be living independantly at the end of this Direct Payment. I assume that means independantly of any support services. That could be because there won't be any left by then. I don't know. I do know that I live on my own and running my home (well the council's home I live in)..it's pretty scrappy round here. Not all ship shape and Bristol fashion in fact it is pretty run down..DIY not a strong point and housework gets done as and when mood and energy levels permit.I am surviving (for now) with intermittent okay times and lots of anxt ridden stressed times.
Friend rang me today to say that GPs are now going to take control of care across the board. Err...WTF does that mean for people with mental illness? Will GPs be expected to provide MH services? If so, wonder what the GPs think about that? Personally, I can't envisage them being able to cover both a person's mental and physical health within a 5-10 consultation meeting but maybe I have got wrong end of the stick. Hands up...am bewildered by most things that are going on...
My bottom line is that I will hack what I can hack for as long as I can hack it and then the get out clause will be applied. Sounds meladramatic. Actually, it is a bit of a relief to think that I can have some control when it comes to ending this torment (both internal and external).
As for those people who believe it is selfish to take your own life. I have thought about this alot, in relation to myself. When my daughter was younger, she was one of the reasons I kept going.
Times change, she has changed. She is still awesome. However, she is actually living a really independant life. She's all grown up and doesn't need me anymore. In fact, I know I am more of a burden in her life now than I was then. I am more miserable, less able to hide my hurt and anger at what is happening.
All the hopes I had in the past that there would be a medication that could balance me out are gone (through having tried them) and I am reliant on benzos. If things were not going to get worse, I would think on coming off them but with what is to come, I would rather take them and have some relief...some calms within the storms.
I know, I am pessimistic person. I think that is based on my view of what is real and really happening...and just because the latest big buzz is around resilience that doesn't mean I can become more resilient than I have had to be to survive this far.
Ah bollox.
The good news is I am getting a Direct Payment for another year. When my care co-ordinator put the paperwork together (and from what I saw, really well) I was sort of optimistic. Well, that was one stage of the process done and dusted. Then he went on 4 week's leave and a social worker was covering for him...then he went on sick leave, came back for a week and is back on sick leave again.
Was woken by a phone call, yesterday, from the lady who is covering for the social worker, covering for my care co-ordinator, to tell me she was at the panel meeting to discuss the application and (in a nutshell) what did it mean? DOH! DOH! DOH! I tried to explain...through the total fugg that is my brain, first thing in the morning, but don't think I made a good job of it. All I said was "Do your best and good luck"??????????????????
The application was for an extension of 6 hours and payment for care lady to attend activities with me.
What did I expect? Nothing! I know that councils have to make massive cuts, benefits are to be reduced to fekk knows what and quite how that will equate to living costs....AND the mentally ill are the hidden disabled. As in, if you can't actually see it, it doesn't exist. Well...for those who don't suffer it. Not dissing any other disabled group but is not like ATOS are going to be able to get inside my head and go "Fekk, it's a mess in there".
Anyway, I digress, what I have got is another year of the same payment. The lady covering social worker, covering care co-ordinator said the panel have said "How you use it is up to you but you have to fit that into the payment"..£21 per week. So if I want care lady to attend activities with me, I guess I have to save up enough hours so that I can cover costs and paying for her time. Nosebleed cos it may well mean no weeks of seeing her to then pay for a course of yoga or tai chi. Well have to jiggle it about. Will think on that after the festive farce.
She also told me I got the payment because I was not so reliant on MH services??? Have reflected on that. 2 things that affect that 1) The successive STR workers that gave me support directly from CMHT have been scrapped 2) When I try and make contact with care co-ordinator, or recently social worker covering for them...they take ages to get back in touch with me or are on sick leave.
Not sure what to make of that either in respect of emergency appointment I had with shrink in October, where new meds were tried. Maybe that is just a red herring in amongst all the crap in my head.
It could be paranoia but to me is like MH services are being dismantled (maybe bit by bit and they hope nobody actually notices!!!!!!!!!!!)
The lady covering etc etc blah fucking blah informed me that the panel EXPECT me to be living independantly at the end of this Direct Payment. I assume that means independantly of any support services. That could be because there won't be any left by then. I don't know. I do know that I live on my own and running my home (well the council's home I live in)..it's pretty scrappy round here. Not all ship shape and Bristol fashion in fact it is pretty run down..DIY not a strong point and housework gets done as and when mood and energy levels permit.I am surviving (for now) with intermittent okay times and lots of anxt ridden stressed times.
Friend rang me today to say that GPs are now going to take control of care across the board. Err...WTF does that mean for people with mental illness? Will GPs be expected to provide MH services? If so, wonder what the GPs think about that? Personally, I can't envisage them being able to cover both a person's mental and physical health within a 5-10 consultation meeting but maybe I have got wrong end of the stick. Hands up...am bewildered by most things that are going on...
My bottom line is that I will hack what I can hack for as long as I can hack it and then the get out clause will be applied. Sounds meladramatic. Actually, it is a bit of a relief to think that I can have some control when it comes to ending this torment (both internal and external).
As for those people who believe it is selfish to take your own life. I have thought about this alot, in relation to myself. When my daughter was younger, she was one of the reasons I kept going.
Times change, she has changed. She is still awesome. However, she is actually living a really independant life. She's all grown up and doesn't need me anymore. In fact, I know I am more of a burden in her life now than I was then. I am more miserable, less able to hide my hurt and anger at what is happening.
All the hopes I had in the past that there would be a medication that could balance me out are gone (through having tried them) and I am reliant on benzos. If things were not going to get worse, I would think on coming off them but with what is to come, I would rather take them and have some relief...some calms within the storms.
I know, I am pessimistic person. I think that is based on my view of what is real and really happening...and just because the latest big buzz is around resilience that doesn't mean I can become more resilient than I have had to be to survive this far.
Ah bollox.
Tuesday 14 December 2010
Just who are the police protecting and why are the media becoming such suck arses?
This is footage of Jodie McIntyre being dragged from their wheelchair by the police during recent protests.
When I saw this I had to ask "Why?". What possible threat could Mr McIntyre pose to a group of policeman?
I didn't watch the news yesterday. I have been deliberately avoiding it, although by doing that I am avoiding things like the interview BBC News did with Mr McIntyre. I have been told it was biased and that he was made to look like a villain. Well, if someone in a wheelchair being pulled about by the police is an act of crime then nobody is safe to do anything without it being seen as deviant behaviour (except the police).
I dont' usually bad mouth the police force, although I still think the shooting of Jean Charles de Menenez was an utter cock up on policing front (and the man died uneccesarily) because my experience of dealing with them has been that they have been obliging, kind and actually found my Dad when he was wandering around the Yorkshire Moors in a state of mental distress. However, I fear their prime directive is to serve the government rather than serve the public.
And what next: Water Canons, calling the army in to every protest? The British Government condemned China over the student protests in Tiananmen square, in 1989
but now the government labels all UK protestors as rioters (and the media follow suit) and the police are to be their henchmen. It won't be long before the state starts controlling everything.
Thursday 9 December 2010
Disabled woman beaten up on bus while everyone just watches
THE disabled mum beaten up in a pram rage attack on a crowded bus told yesterday of her disgust that no one tried to help her.
Nova Willet, 36, said fellow passengers ignored her cries for help and some even laughed as she was beaten unconscious by a foul-mouthed thug. She felt “sickened” nobody intervened when she was punched and kicked in front of her three-year-old daughter.
They just watched as she screamed, “Help… he’s trying to kill me!” while the yob repeatedly smashed her head on the floor.
Her attacker, who was with two small children, laid into her then tried to drag her off the bus.
He leaned over her bloodied face and snarled: “I’m going to f****** kill you.” Nova, who has debilitating auto-immune disease lupus, said: “People don’t want to get involved. The community spirit just isn’t there any more.”
She lost a tooth and suffered internal bleeding after the attack in which her 32-year-old husband was also battered.
Advertisement - article continues below »
Nova decided speak out in an effort to catch the man who lashed out on the No 85 in Kingston, Surrey, after their baby buggies became entangled. She said: “I smiled and said, ‘Sorry can you get through?’ To which I got abuse. He said, ‘You’re going to have to move your buggy’.”
When she explained she couldn’t move he unleashed a torrent of abuse. The man, who had a baby and a girl of about six with him, then launched the brutal attack.
Nova said: “He threw me all over the bus and was whacking my head against the hand rail. He was punching me in the head and kicking me. When I fell he started ramming my head into the floor. I remember my husband trying to pull him off and my daughter screaming. But nobody on the bus tried to help in any way.”
Nova thought she had been stabbed after her glasses were smashed into her face.
She said: “There was a time when people would not have stood by and allowed this to happen.”
Anyone with information about the attacker should call Kingston police on 020 8247 4946.
Read more: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/12/08/disabled-mum-beaten-unconscious-in-pram-rage-attack-tells-how-bus-passengers-ignored-her-pleas-115875-22768468/#ixzz17eltOuF3
Nova Willet, 36, said fellow passengers ignored her cries for help and some even laughed as she was beaten unconscious by a foul-mouthed thug. She felt “sickened” nobody intervened when she was punched and kicked in front of her three-year-old daughter.
They just watched as she screamed, “Help… he’s trying to kill me!” while the yob repeatedly smashed her head on the floor.
Her attacker, who was with two small children, laid into her then tried to drag her off the bus.
He leaned over her bloodied face and snarled: “I’m going to f****** kill you.” Nova, who has debilitating auto-immune disease lupus, said: “People don’t want to get involved. The community spirit just isn’t there any more.”
She lost a tooth and suffered internal bleeding after the attack in which her 32-year-old husband was also battered.
Advertisement - article continues below »
Nova decided speak out in an effort to catch the man who lashed out on the No 85 in Kingston, Surrey, after their baby buggies became entangled. She said: “I smiled and said, ‘Sorry can you get through?’ To which I got abuse. He said, ‘You’re going to have to move your buggy’.”
When she explained she couldn’t move he unleashed a torrent of abuse. The man, who had a baby and a girl of about six with him, then launched the brutal attack.
Nova said: “He threw me all over the bus and was whacking my head against the hand rail. He was punching me in the head and kicking me. When I fell he started ramming my head into the floor. I remember my husband trying to pull him off and my daughter screaming. But nobody on the bus tried to help in any way.”
Nova thought she had been stabbed after her glasses were smashed into her face.
She said: “There was a time when people would not have stood by and allowed this to happen.”
Anyone with information about the attacker should call Kingston police on 020 8247 4946.
Read more: http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/top-stories/2010/12/08/disabled-mum-beaten-unconscious-in-pram-rage-attack-tells-how-bus-passengers-ignored-her-pleas-115875-22768468/#ixzz17eltOuF3
Wednesday 8 December 2010
Is it pessimism or realism that makes me question the latest Govt consultation?
I have just printed off the easy read version of the government consulation on 'Changing Disability Living Allowance'.
The government site is below.. and sorry I can't do a direct link. I have been shown how to, several times, but always forget :<(
http://www.dwp.gov.uk/consultations/2010/dla-reform.shtml
I do intend to respond and am grateful that the cut off date is February because I am in no fit state to respond right now.
Am going to attempt to play at normal human (best as) because it is my daughter's birthday tomorrow and our quality time to 'celebrate' is later today. Fekk, it is so hard to keep up with the jollies.
Wish I was more 'Grace under pressure' than her ugly sister 'Ava panic stricken'.
Anyway, before I take another benzo and hope I settle...I can't help wondering if it is all just a faitez complis. That could have wider meaning than specifically talking about this consultation.
Because I have believed that it is worth people having their say and being given opportunities to have their say, I have been involved in consultations before.
Biggest one..in regards to personal involvement was the Herts and Beds 'Investing in Your Mental Health' consultation that took place a few years back. As a service user rep (and I look back on that time as a total waste of my time) I was involved in meeting with other MH service users and gauging their views on the consultation paper, what it meant to them and what they actually wanted.
In the May, the SU group was given the deadline end of September to get views back. So all through the summer myself, and 2 other reps, organised meetings across the county. It wasn't the easiest of things to be involved in (my travel phobia meant I had to be escorted) but by early September all the meetings had been carried out. Due to some management issues and my desire to do things fairly, I ended up typing the response, getting coppies back to the people we met and other SU reps..to ensure I hadn't missed anything and was staying true to what people had said.
The response did get back to the Strategic Health Authority in time. I later presented the responses at a mini conference type thing. Not only do I hate public speaking but loathe it with a passion but, as ever, no one else wanted to or was available.
What were the actual outcomes of the consultation? 'Investing in Your Mental Health' ...as a project..was scrapped...the project lead (head of MH in Strategic Health Authority) moved sideways and it was never heard of again. Apart from me saying what a criminal waste of time it was..particularly for those of us who took it seriously.
I can't help thinking "Here we go again". There is no such thing as democracy and what point actually raising concerns when the decisions have already been made?
Gonna put the paperwork to one side and rethink this. My expectations have been raised in the past, I have believed in democracy and, ultimately, been lied to and totally disillusioned. :<(
The government site is below.. and sorry I can't do a direct link. I have been shown how to, several times, but always forget :<(
http://www.dwp.gov.uk/consultations/2010/dla-reform.shtml
I do intend to respond and am grateful that the cut off date is February because I am in no fit state to respond right now.
Am going to attempt to play at normal human (best as) because it is my daughter's birthday tomorrow and our quality time to 'celebrate' is later today. Fekk, it is so hard to keep up with the jollies.
Wish I was more 'Grace under pressure' than her ugly sister 'Ava panic stricken'.
Anyway, before I take another benzo and hope I settle...I can't help wondering if it is all just a faitez complis. That could have wider meaning than specifically talking about this consultation.
Because I have believed that it is worth people having their say and being given opportunities to have their say, I have been involved in consultations before.
Biggest one..in regards to personal involvement was the Herts and Beds 'Investing in Your Mental Health' consultation that took place a few years back. As a service user rep (and I look back on that time as a total waste of my time) I was involved in meeting with other MH service users and gauging their views on the consultation paper, what it meant to them and what they actually wanted.
In the May, the SU group was given the deadline end of September to get views back. So all through the summer myself, and 2 other reps, organised meetings across the county. It wasn't the easiest of things to be involved in (my travel phobia meant I had to be escorted) but by early September all the meetings had been carried out. Due to some management issues and my desire to do things fairly, I ended up typing the response, getting coppies back to the people we met and other SU reps..to ensure I hadn't missed anything and was staying true to what people had said.
The response did get back to the Strategic Health Authority in time. I later presented the responses at a mini conference type thing. Not only do I hate public speaking but loathe it with a passion but, as ever, no one else wanted to or was available.
What were the actual outcomes of the consultation? 'Investing in Your Mental Health' ...as a project..was scrapped...the project lead (head of MH in Strategic Health Authority) moved sideways and it was never heard of again. Apart from me saying what a criminal waste of time it was..particularly for those of us who took it seriously.
I can't help thinking "Here we go again". There is no such thing as democracy and what point actually raising concerns when the decisions have already been made?
Gonna put the paperwork to one side and rethink this. My expectations have been raised in the past, I have believed in democracy and, ultimately, been lied to and totally disillusioned. :<(
In case anyone feels discriminated again...
In the words of the 'Disney Corporation' ..."It's a small world after all"
Tuesday 7 December 2010
Who will help the homeless?
I try, really hard, not to watch the news. It is not like I need any more reasons to feel utterly miserable. However, I stayed with Craig last night.
There is another more personal story in here but I am so angry with my inability to continue to perform at a level near normality at present. Yes, I know that mental illness renders people incapable (varying degrees) to lead normal lives and certainly not without alot of help. I can imagine the recovery natzis insisting that there are many people with mental illness leading normal leaves. I would question how ill they are in the first place? and what levels of support (where it comes from too) are in place for them.
Anyway, my battles with my illness aside...I was in tears yesterday when watching the local news, at Craig's.
Two YMCA centres in Cambridge have been closed down due to lack of financial support. I don't suppose Cambridge is the only place this is happening either. It is the thinnest edge of the wedge and, not surprisingly, assistance to the most vulnerable is being shaved off first. These centres provided essential support for homeless people and now these people will be left to fend for themselves and I can only imagine (although expect that there may well come a time when I will be forced to join them) what it is like to be living out on the streets and at the mercy of the savage winter weather being experienced across the UK at this time.
My heart goes out to them and I am acutely aware that I have so much more in common with them than the people who are taking away any support they have. Very sad :<(
There is another more personal story in here but I am so angry with my inability to continue to perform at a level near normality at present. Yes, I know that mental illness renders people incapable (varying degrees) to lead normal lives and certainly not without alot of help. I can imagine the recovery natzis insisting that there are many people with mental illness leading normal leaves. I would question how ill they are in the first place? and what levels of support (where it comes from too) are in place for them.
Anyway, my battles with my illness aside...I was in tears yesterday when watching the local news, at Craig's.
Two YMCA centres in Cambridge have been closed down due to lack of financial support. I don't suppose Cambridge is the only place this is happening either. It is the thinnest edge of the wedge and, not surprisingly, assistance to the most vulnerable is being shaved off first. These centres provided essential support for homeless people and now these people will be left to fend for themselves and I can only imagine (although expect that there may well come a time when I will be forced to join them) what it is like to be living out on the streets and at the mercy of the savage winter weather being experienced across the UK at this time.
My heart goes out to them and I am acutely aware that I have so much more in common with them than the people who are taking away any support they have. Very sad :<(
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